My father was an intriguing man, albeit a successfully unsuccessful businessman, a partial drunk, and an excellent role model of the man I should not become, he did teach me one thing though. While you shake a mans hand with your right, hold a rock in the left. The world spins like a dime, rocking ever which way, leaving us to ponder if it'll crush us or save us. Maybe it was this philosophy that led him to dismay, but I believe he just didn't know how to play the cards he was dealt.

My thoughts fall to my father as yesterday was his funeral, a bleak representation of his life’s accomplishments. A few patrons of his past life were present in their dull, black cloaks, an offering was made of his favorite flask buried with him, and a few closing words to conclude. Did I say anything? No. Why would I, it gives me nothing, and it certainly wouldn’t give any of those who wanted sweet words of solace. I must say though, if it were not for him, I would be a far different man. The bodies slowly depart, leaving the stone and myself.

A feeling overcame me while I peered over it, most would have a sense of depression, weeping for the loved one they'd lost, but I am different. Depression no, motivation. A distasteful feel crept in the back of my mouth, this is something I do not want to share with my father; not death so much, this emptiness, I look around the vast cemetery that is his new home and what is left? A cold marble stone, with an engraved name and the words 'He is loved and is lost, may he rest in peace'. What had he left behind, no legacy, no fortune or name to bestow upon his children and their children. Forgotten. This is something I refuse to have in common with him. You may feel I am cruel and selfish to think these things, he is, for all intensive purposes, my father. I do not hate him, on the contrary, I think I must thank him. He had opened my eyes, to see the world how it really is, not the kind and free-loving one it pretends to be. You only need to look passed the mask to see the real beast.

His office hadn’t changed much since I visited last, the air stale and old, the musk of old paperbacks, dust mites and screeching floorboards. In his final will and testament, he had named all that was in his office mine. Here is where I may finally meet my father, these books may tell me more about him than I have ever known. As I rifle through a stack of yellow sheets and books stacked on his shelf, a small, leather bound book catches my interest, familiar. I rub my hand over it, ah yes, I remember now. The cover, old and wrinkled, bared only the word 'Alexandre' upon it. I open the cover, its pages untouched, the edges worn by age. I hesitate to flip the first page, afraid of what I may find?

Date: June 14th

It was a beautiful day today, the sun was up, the sky was clear. I got most of my work done today, but overall a productive day. Pa came around after I was done and glanced over it, he didn't say much but I think he was impressed.

Naive.

I did get to see Leena today, although its embarrassing to admit, I love every second shes here with me. She just fills me with happiness and a warmth I cant really explain... I feel as though I could spend the rest of the time with her. Her beautiful blond hair, her sweet smell, her cleansing aura, attracts me like a hummingbird to nectar.

Childish.

Date: June 23rd

Pa's back was in pain today, so I had to do all my work and then help him around the house, I wish he'd stop traveling around so much, its taking its tole on him. He seems to get worse every week, he doesn’t move around as much as he used to. On a nicer note, the Henry's down the road are throwing a party for their retirement, everyone on the block is invited. I wonder if Leena will be there, I hope so, that would be a lot of fun.

I look up at the portrait of my father on his desk, I feel him glaring at me, I stare back. I know what you're thinking I say aloud to him.

I hope she doesn’t bring Tom though, I don’t like him at all. Hes so rude to her, she doesn’t get the respect she deserves from a guy like that, she'll see.

Date: July 2nd

I sneeked out last night to see her, its not like I haven’t done it before many times. Its worth the heat from Pa. Just to see her face... we sit and talk for hours about life, what we think our futures are like. Shes told me she doesnt like Tom much, I dont bring it up much but she gives little bits here and there. I cant wait till were older so I can take her away from here. I love her.

So foolish and credulous. An open heart such as this leaves it vulnerable. Even Caesar, the most powerful man in Rome, was stabbed 23 times to the chest by those he deemed trustworthy.

Date: Oct 2nd

Pa gave me some lashings today... He said the crying I was doing did no good to anyone, he said he was making me tough. I hate him.... I hate her... I thought we were in love, but it was nothing but lies. I caught her and Tom alone together.. they were kissing.. I was supposed to be the one who cared for her, who was there, and she cast me aside like garbage..

There it is, that feeling of self-loathing, being recognized as nothing more than a single cloud in a sea of endless winds. Dont worry boy, this is only the beginning for you.

This is really all I came for, there's nothing in this office that I need or care for. I just wanted to re-live these moments, as a final memoir to my father, for all that he had shown me. Although I hate to admit it, I did have a few good times here but, a drop in the bucket compared to the train riding the disheveled tracks that was my past. I'm done here. I take a final look at the Journal, and throw it on the table, saying a last good bye to the novel of my disarrayed childhood. I'm done pondering on the past, its time to envision for the future.