I opened the door to my apartment and trudged in. I threw off my coat, kicked off my shoes, loosened the noose around my neck that was my tie and collapsed onto my bed. It was another boring day in my already boring life. I literally hate my life. It was the same crap over and over again. Going to my stupid IT job in the morning, address the stupid complaints that the stupid bankers file and fix their stupid computers. And Janet was the worst of all. She was my boss. She was possibly the worst person I had ever met in my life and I had met some terrible people. She is the most self-entitled and arrogant woman alive, and that accent, I could not stand that fake British accent. That is the only time I can stand my co-workers, when we all get together and hate on her. We can all hear you slip in and out of your accent during the day, when you are on your phone, and when you talk to yourself, YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE! Worse than her accent? The dreaded stapler.
You see, Janet has this habit of carrying a fully loaded stapler with her at all times and whenever she is mad at a someone, she will walk over to their desk and as she is yelling at them, she will slam her stapler onto their desk repeatedly. The cacophony would go something like:
“You forgot CLACK to file CLACK the reports CLACK on the CLACK Johnson’s bank CLACK account!” she would yell.
My quantum of solace in my miserable life? My best friend Keith. Keith and I were extremely close, we knew each other since college. He met me at a bar when I was going through a bad break-up. He bought me a round of shots and convinced me that there was much more to life than women and that we should go with the flow, that was his mantra, “Go with the flow.” Now that the weekend was here, he would pick me up tomorrow evening and we would party until midnight. That was Keith, wherever he went, he was the life of the party. He was good-looking, and had a certain charm about him that made him really popular with the ladies. Everyday, he could be seen with a different woman. He would call me and tell me about them everyday. It’s not like I was jealous or anything,  I would love to be able to talk to women as easily as Keith does, sure, but he was practically my brother and I was happy for him. It was a long day and I felt my eyelids becoming the 50 pound dumbbells that Keith works out with.
*******
I woke up the next morning feeling really groggy. I made myself some coffee and poured some cereal into a bowl. I went to the fridge and pulled out the carton of milk. As I opened it, the stench of curdled milk wafted up to my nose. Not again, I thought. I grabbed the carton and poured the milk down the drain. I pulled out a frozen breakfast burrito from the fridge and tossed it in the microwave for a minute and 30 seconds and turned on my stereo. It began blasting my favorite Eminem song. You better lose yourself in the music, the moment, you want it, you better never let it go-o...Man I loved that song! It was another thing that Keith and I loved so much, Eminem music. Yup, we were true fans of The Real Slim Shady. Keith once got me tickets to Eminem’s Lose Yourself concert back in 2011. It was one of the greatest experiences of my life! I mean seeing my idol with my best friend at my side, what more could I ask for? DING. Oooh, my burrito was ready. Maybe this won’t spoil like everything else in my life.
*******
As I was getting ready, I took an inventory of myself. I noticed that I was really in fit shape which was odd considering that I practically live off JImmy Dean microwavables and Ramen Noodles. High metabolism? I also never really exercise. I am what some would describe as lazy.
I am the kind of person that would go without dinner just to avoid having to get up and make something. I am the kind of person that would buy new underwear just to avoid washing my dirty underwear. I am the kind of person that would sit through Keeping Up With The Kardashians just because the remote is out of reach, even though Keeping Up WIth The Kardashians combines the two of my least favorite things in the world: The Kardashians and Reality TV. Actually, come to think of it, I’m sure that I’ve actually done all those things in the past. Did you see that? I was too lazy to think of an original example of someone being lazy.
The weird thing is that I was finding myself more and more tired recently. I’ve been having body aches, muscle soreness, and overall fatigue. It was probably the mental stress of work taking its toll on my body. I made a mental note to ask my doctor about some stress medication.
I donned my favorite black shirt and a pair of dark jeans. I then immersed myself in a cloud of Versace cologne. I actually hate this particular scent, as a matter of fact, I could not stand it, but Keith somehow convinced me that women find it really attractive. I wasn’t going to argue with him on this subject. I might as well have debated theoretical physics with Stephen Hawking.
Speaking of Keith, where was he? He said he would be here by now. I called his number and as usual, it went directly to voicemail.
“Yo, you’ve reached the Keithster! You know what to do after the beep. BEEP.”
“Hey Keith, where are you dude? You said you would pick me up by now. Alright, call me back as soon as you get the message.”
“I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady, all you other SIim Shadys are just imitating, so will the real Slim Shady please stand up?” My ringtone rapped. As I guessed, it was Keith. That was the weird thing about Keith, he never picks up his phone, but if you leave him a voicemail, he will get back to you faster than Eminem can rap! I answered his call.
“Yo dude, I’m right outside your building, come down.” he said in his very relaxed, nonchalant tone.
“Down in a sec.” I replied.
*******
“Yo, listen to this brah, I found this chick right? She is perfect for you! She is totally your type and you will love her! I told her to meet us up at the L Street bar.” Keith exclaimed with excitement.
“Wh-wh-wh-why would you do that?” I asked with frustration. Just like Keith, to act impulsively, without thinking things through. “You know I hate blind dates!”
“Yeah, but you’re gonna have to trust me on this one. Just meet this girl, just talk to her for five minutes and then let me know if you’re still mad at me.” He shot me one of those iconic Keith grins that made it impossible for me to be mad at him for more than a minute tops.
“Alright, fine. Just a conversation.” I agreed reluctantly. “But if I don’t like her, I will never take romantic advice from you ever again!”
“Come on now, you and I both know that’s a lie!” He said. We both laughed. I pulled up to the L Street bar and got out of the driver’s seat. Keith and I entered the bar.
*******
Oh my God, Keith was right, this girl was drop-dead gorgeous! She was around 5’ 7”, and had the facial features of an angel. She has a slender figure and beautiful, thick, and curly blonde hair. She was in a striking red dress and was waiting for me with a glass in her hand. I would have stood there across the bar, staring with my mouth forming a waterfall of saliva had Keith not nudged me from the side.
“Well? You gonna talk to her or just stare all night?” He asked.
“Are you kidding me, she is way out of my league!” I protested.
“Don’t be ridiculous. Dude, you are so in there!” Keith said. “It’s ok, I already showed her your picture so she already knows what you look like. Look her name is Sally and she is already into you. Just go over there and talk to her.” He said. “What could possibly go wrong?”
“Okay, I guess.” I said. I walked over to her, consciously aware of my every action. I fixed my collar and wiped the sweat off my hands.
“Hey Sally.” I said.
“Hey, how are you?” She said to me, with a bright smile.
“I’m good. You know how life is, with the terrible job and the other responsibilities.” I said, feeling like an idiot. Other responsibilities? I was hopeless. She let out a cute laugh. “Anyway, how’s your job?” I asked, to get the conversation over my stupid comment.
“I suppose it’s pretty good. Like I told you, I’m an accountant and I guess my job is pretty normal but I have this supervisor named Jerry and he is a total idiot! He has no idea what he is doing, just bosses everyone around and inappropriately flirts with every woman in the office, despite the fact that he is married and has 2 kids!” She said.
“Ugh, tell me about it! My boss is a waste of oxygen named Janet! She has this fake accent and it’s like, ‘we all know you’re not really from Britain Janet, you can cut it out now.’” I said. Yeah, this is something we have in common that we can talk about!
“Oh my Gosh, that’s like, so hilarious!” She said laughing. I guess she found me funny. I saw Keith on the other side of the bar. He shot me a cool grin with a thumbs up. I smiled back.
“Anyways,” I said, “enough about people that ruin our lives, we’re here to have a good time. Can I buy you a drink?”
“Sure, I’ll have a Passion Pop Rocks Martini.” She said
“Excellent choice.” I turned to the bartender and said, “A Bloody Mary for me and a Passion Pop Rocks Martini for the lady.”
We talked and talked and we really hit it off! Man I was in love with this girl! After a couple hours, it was time to go. We took a cab to her apartment building. I walked her to her to her apartment on the 13th floor. She opened the door to her apartment and turned  around to face me. She looked me in the eye for a second and before I even knew it, her lips were on mine.
She went back and softly said “Good night.”
“Good night Sally.” I said, still in disbelief at what happened. I went back to the cab, with my adrenaline pumping. In the cab, I saw that Sally had left her purse in the cab. I told the driver to wait one more minute. I went back up to the 13th floor and went to her apartment. I was surprised to find the door ajar. I entered her apartment and I could not have prepared for what I saw. I saw Keith making out with Sally! How could he do this to me? He could get any girl in the world that he wanted, but he had to go after the one I liked!
“KETIH!” I yelled, enraged! “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?”
“Wait, you don’t understand, let me explain!”
“Oh, I’ve seen enough, Keith!” Without even thinking, I tackled Keith over the balcony and we were in free fall from the 13th floor. About halfway down, it hit me, but it was too late to do anything about it.
******
Later, when the police questioned Sally, she gave the following report: “I met this guy at the bar, we went home and after he dropped me off at my apartment and after he left, he came back 3 minutes later and as we were making out, he suddenly burst! He was yelling random things about someone named Keith and out of nowhere, he suddenly went to the balcony and jumped over.”