October 3, 2012
I am addicted to my sadness. The pain reminds me that I’m living, involuntarily, but yes, my heart still beats its sad song, and my lungs continue to draw in breath. I’m cold, but its not the snow outside or the chilly wind that sends shivers down my body...This cold is different, I can’t warm it up with hot tea or a soft blanket. This always stays with me, behind every smile and laugh. They seem almost real and then I wish that this feeling...this dead feeling would go away. I wish to cut my thighs and wrists, the scars are ugly against my pale skin but, they can’t make me hate myself more than I already do…I just wish that I don’t have to pretend that I’m not sad all the time. I just want to be alone. Being alone does not mean I am lonely. I am the loneliest among the ones I have to fake myself for, I feel the loneliest in a family that doesn’t know me, or understand me. Have you ever wanted to die? Not for attention but to truly stop your lungs from taking in air or to stop your heart from giving you that same sad beat? I have...I still do. I need help but I’m afraid to ask for it...they won’t understand. I doubt they ever will.
                                                      Eternally Yours, Kora

The blood from my wrists turned to water in the tub a pinkish color. My chest feels heavy and it’s hard to breath. Everything in my vision is turning blurry, my head is pounding, I can hear my heart beat in my ears. I’m so sorry mom; I never wanted to hurt you or anyone who actually cared about me. I just need a way to make the endless pain stop. I love you and please, for the love of god, live your life, live it for me. Forgive me. Goodbye. Focus, focus, breath in, breath out, in, out, I pushed myself beneath the surface of the water, I forced out all of the breath in my lungs and laid there, it felt like they were on fire, my lungs, don’t succumb to the pain, stay beneath the surface of the water, everything screamed at me. It was clear that I was dying and every cell in my body knew it. I can do it, this is it, this is my end, I feel it coming. I’m so sorry…I felt my body go limp, my vision went black, everything went numb, this is my blissful oblivion. I don’t want it to end, ever. I let the feelings settle in and the blackness consume what was left of my pathetic self, f*** you world.

Kora! Not my baby girl! Kora, my poor baby!! Wake up baby girl! I heard my mother wailing for me to wake from my permanent slumber. This confused me, I am dead…how can I hear her? Her painful moans stabbed me in the chest, how could I do this to her? I am such a selfish person…why didn’t I see that before I took my own life?..I need to see her. I opened my eyes and I saw her, my mother, laying in her bed, crying. “Mom?” She didn’t respond…she couldn’t hear me…or see me. I walked to the edge of her bed and sat just a few inches away from her. “I love you mama.” I lay beside her and listened to her sob until she fell asleep. This continued for two more days.

Mom woke up early to get ready for the funeral of her only child, me. I sat in the middle of her bed and watched as the skirt of her black dress fluttered with every movement. She only put on top eyeliner and Chap Stick; smart, even with the death of me she still contains composure. I walked out of the house with her, systematically. It’s a cloudy day, looks like rain, my favorite. We walked to the church and met the rest of my family there, all of them didn’t want to be there, and I could feel it in their auras. They certainly can hide it perfectly fine.
“She was so beautiful, what would make her feel like this was a way out?” my aunt Ruth remarked.

Me, beautiful? Hah that I couldn’t believe.

I shook my head and that’s when I saw it, the coffin that held my body. I walked to it slowly, steadily, one foot in front of the other. I reached the side of it and the girl I saw took my breath away. That can’t be me…it can’t be. James strolled into the church, he was wearing his suit, he looked stunning. I had always had a crush on him since we were little kids but, I didn’t want to ruin the friendship we had. He went straight to my coffin, he looked heart broken.

“Kora,” he sighed, “I miss you, already. I remember the day we met and I knew from that moment that you were meant to be with me. You were perfect to me. I could care less about what happened to the rest of the world. And now your gone and I never got the chance to tell you that I love you. I don’t wanna live another day without you.” The tears started to run down his face, “ I just wanted you to love me.”

I moved closer to him, “I did, James, I always did.”

“Your so far away,” he sobbed.
“I’m right here.”
He leaned in so that his face was inches away from my corpse and whispered, “There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion, Edgar Allan Poe.”  He placed his lips to my forehead, only I really felt his kiss. Please, I want to be alive, for him. But…it never ends that way in real life. I’m dead, he’s alive.
“If it’s meant for you, you won’t have to beg for it. You will never have to sacrifice your dignity for your destiny.”…Edgar Allan Poe, my favorite writer.
“Goodbye James.”