People are often surprised when I tell them that my birthday wish is to banish happiness. A certain helium-filled-and-held-on-a-string kind of happiness. Balloons are a decades-old symbol of childhood delight and liveliness. They are also, in my opinion, the most narcissistic way to solicit birthday wishes from total strangers. As if receiving gifts wasn’t already enough, some students go the unnecessary mile to buy floating tokens—a materialistic affirmation that they are loved. 

There are two main types of balloons: mylar and latex. Mylar balloons, also known as foil balloons, are metallic and typically have more elaborate designs written on them. Since mylar balloons last a long time, they are generally considered to be on the “higher” end of the balloon industry, costing as much as $15 for a large one. While this may seem like a decently priced gift for someone you care about, do not buy mylar balloons! Aside from their grotesque shininess, mylar balloons cause a host of problems year-round. 

In 2020, Southern California Edison estimated that over 1,000 outages were caused by mylar balloons. Since the metals in the balloons are conductive, if they manage to float near electrical lines, the wires can actually short-circuit as seen here in this shocking video. These electrical dangers can cause fires and destroy homes amongst other things. Now if you’re thinking that releasing balloons somewhere away from wires is sufficient, keep in mind that helium filled balloons can travel miles before they settle to the ground. This journey of destruction can interfere with aircraft, distract migratory birds, or even end up ingested by ocean animals who are drawn in by the glimmer. 

Despite popular belief, latex balloons are just as terrible even if they are advertised as “eco-friendly”. Latex or rubber balloons are the typical balloons that you can buy deflated in packs upwards of 20. Rubber comes from the sap of rubber trees, but has to be treated with various chemicals and additives to keep it stretchy and long-lasting. Because of this decision made for commercial profit, rubber, which is ordinarily compostable, is no longer as “natural” as some businesses claim. An experiment conducted by theconversation.com found that latex balloons put into simulated composting and environmental conditions had no signs of biodegradation after 16 weeks. The balloons either took on a bleached look or just even gained mass from absorbing the water. 

Plus, latex balloons are equally detrimental to our beloved wildlife. The stretch factor can cause serious obstructions in the intestinal tracts of animals that eat them, since they can get stuck around the bendy guts more easily than stiffer objects. 

Another little-known fact is the process behind which helium is made. It’s a byproduct of collecting natural gas. Helium is released when uranium within the earth decays, and once it gets into the atmosphere, there’s no way of getting it back. With this in mind, doesn’t it feel pointless to waste this depleting resource on fake plastic happiness? Helium lives a more purposeful life when used medically or for research, not when swallowed for a temporary falsetto.

Next time you realize you’ve forgotten to buy your friend a present, don’t run to the dollar store to pick up a bouquet of balloons; get a nice gift card or some snacks for them instead. Better yet, be like me and publicly denounce the effects of birthday balloons.