Snapshot #1

Winter Break 2019. I was 13 years old. I had no plans whatsoever, which wasn’t anything new whatsoever, but this time was different. I stayed in bed more than usual. All of a sudden every day, I have no appetite, and I find myself thinking about how I really didn’t have any real friends my whole life. I always tried my best to be apart of the cult, the popular girls in my class, and yes sometimes I did succeed, and I had good moments with them and I actually felt seen, but majority of the time, no one really did care about me. I was always sitting back watching them plan things right in front of me knowing damn well I wasn’t invited. They’d have inside jokes and groups chats that I had no idea about until they’d mention it right in front of me as well, but that wasn’t the only things that came to haunt me. Memories that go way farther back, from 8th grade, specifically third grade, where every person felt the need to body shame a 8-9 year old girl, who happy before she was told she has to “lose weight”. Suddenly this 14-year-old who still looks more or less the same, thinks she’s ugly and there’s nothing good about her. One of the things that hurt the most was that, when I was in my room crying every hour, not one person in my house knew or even seemed to notice, when I needed it the most.

Snapshot #2

Thanksgiving Break 2020. I was 14. Thanksgiving break had just started, and I have a break from school, even though I should really be doing my 40 something missing assignments, but instead I decide to sleep in. It’s Monday morning, and I get a call from my mom saying she’s already on her way home from work. She wasn’t feeling well two days ago so she went to tested at the hospital she works at just to be safe. The first thing she told me when I answered the phone half-awake was that she got tested positive for covid. I couldn’t even believe it. Fast forward a couple days, my mom is quarantined in her room, while my dad brother and I have the rest of the house. We were all tested negative thank God. What had sucked the most is that were weren’t able to have Thanksgiving as we usually would. Had no dinner at all. I stayed in room the whole time watching all the shows I could, until I eventually realized how sad this all was. Bam! It comes back again. The negative thoughts, the regrets and other memories I hate. The thought of how bad I was doing in school at the time, suddenly become I’ll end up homeless on the streets and inevitably die alone, speaking of dying what if my mom dies from this virus, what am I going to do now? I of course knew she was going to be fine in the end, but my overthinking mind can’t allow me to relax. But once again loss of appetite. I didn’t even want to talk to anyone at all, and that’s what I did then I wonder why I’m always so lonely. The cycle never ends.

Snapshot #3

Spring Break 2021. I was 15. I have never thought it would get this bad. My grades were still pretty bad, but all of a sudden, I stopped caring, it wasn’t going to matter later anyway, right? My life isn’t going anywhere. Hell, I don’t even want to be here anymore. No one loves me. I’ll never find love in the future. I’m not even pretty. Look how long you’ve been saying you want to lose weight; you’ve only gotten fatter. You’re a f*cking Disappointment, you parents know it too. Everyone else is doing better than you right now. Why do you even have best friends, there’s nothing good about you. They’re going to leave you sooner or later. You are so pathetic. Why do you even exist……? This and many more, was all that was trailing through my mind these past few months. Me just walking out of my room to get water you can see the storm cloud above my head, you can see the darkness. And I finally had to somewhat voice to my parent that I was depressed, unwillingly. How the conversation even started was completely unrelated. But not too long after that I went to see a counselor for the first time. I’ve desperately been wanting one, but I didn’t want to have that conversation with my parents, so I guess I should be grateful. But I actually felt better after talking to the counselor. I honestly didn’t get everything out, but I did get a good portion out. I had a good cry and felt a sort of sense of peace. I was supposed to go back two weeks after, that never happened.

Snapshot #4

Today March 2022. Looking back, I am so grateful for how far I’ve come. I am in a much better headspace. I’m happier and I can proudly say that. My thoughts used to be so dark that I would constantly have the urge to cut myself with a piece of glass. I’m glad I never actually got myself to do it. I still can’t believe I wished I had never existed at one point. I finally lost some weight and started taking better care of myself, but I actually feel…beautiful. I actually feel like I’m worth something. Yes, I still have some bad days, but they don’t last. Those negative thoughts still take up space in my brain but It almost doesn’t affect me anymore. On the days they do take hold of me, the really bad thoughts swarm in quickly, it’s almost scary, but like I said they don’t last anymore. I bounce back pretty quick. It’s almost like I’m bipolar. I’m proud I can say that I’m not the same person anymore. I have a sh*t ton of things I can still improve on but, I don’t let it slow me down I always try to move forward and keep going to achieve my goals or just to get rid of bad habits. But overall, I really, truly am in a better place, and I am so grateful.