I had always been programmed that I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t worth my own father’s time. He has multiple jobs and he is the textbook definition of a workaholic. His daily routine consists of getting up, showering, breakfast while doing work, bus to train, train-reviewing his students papers, running his department at the hospital, getting back on train, going to his private practice, coming home, making dinner, watching news, grading papers, editing chapters for books he’s writing, then finally around 1 or 2am going to bed and waking up at 5:30. I was neglected in his household, and once I got myself out of his house I regretted my choices and felt like I had failed to preserve the little relationship I had with him. My relationship with my father has destroyed me inside and out. I fell into a hole of depression after I told him that I didn’t want to see him until he started working on his own problems. Until he loved himself, and acknowledged his own self worth, he wouldn’t be able to show his love for me. I want to have a father figure in my life, and I do, my step dad, but it’s not always the same. I’m still left with scars from my father’s neglectfulness and I have to deal with them on a daily basis.
I want to be stripped of all my worries. I want to be lifted into the deep blue seas, and be bathed by the hands of the earth. The hands that created me can wash my troubles from my body and revive me like a doctor and patient. My body is dry and cold, all the warmth and energy has been sucked out. My relationship with my father, or lack of relationship with him has drowned me in worries and lack of warmth. My fingers and nose get so cold; you would think I was just running naked in a huge white snowstorm. I want to regain my warmth and sense of self worth. I’m in search of a place to escape to when I’m cold and lonely. Imagine we lived in a place with no trouble. That we had a place to escape to, one place to put our feet up and let go. Let go of everything we struggle carrying daily. One place that catered to all our needs and took all pains away. One place that we could enter and our fears and worries would be drained out of us. One place where when we left, we felt weightless and prepared to face the world again. I know this place doesn’t physically exist, but my soul can act as this place for me once I train myself to believe it.
I wish I could leap out of my body and just live as a flying soul. I wish I could soar above the city, looking down, and know that there was nothing to stress about anymore. All I needed to focus on was preserving my inner being. I need to plunge deep into my own unconscious and fine myself beyond what the world sees me as. I want to live in my true body that doesn’t carry the physical pains I have. My true body that lets me think deep and doesn’t just see what lays on the surface. My true happy place. I wish that my physical body would vanish to eliminate my coldness and let me break away from the pains I’m stuck to. I need to break away from the physical aspects of life and focus on what they mean.
I was sure that the one I fell in love with was the one whom could bring me up, and not leave me flat on my back, pressed against the cold stone ground. It turns out that I was left out to freeze and only fall deeper into the earth, eventually burning. I’ve realized that I need to connect to my true self- my warm soul. The one place that is my solo home. One place that can only teach me to get through all the pains that come with life. The one person whom can throw a rope down and pull me up- my inner self. My outer body doesn’t understand how to stop falling, and its only getting harder for myself to pull me back up. My physical self has convinced me that I am trapped and permanently frozen. I’ve become a giant ice block. I’m convinced I cannot defrost myself, but deep down, I know that I will start to melt and dry off as well. I know this because when tears stream down my face and create puddles filled with sorrow, I’m able to step over them. My emotions pour out in every droplet and are washed away from my physical self. Every tear is a sign from my sold, telling me that I can push my worries out of my body. My soul needs to become the one person who can always be there for me. It is the only person that never gets mad or frustrated with my actions. One person whose words never hurt my ears. One person that loves me no matter what. One person that is always easy to talk to. One person who always knows what to say and knows how to use comforting words. One person that doesn’t let anyone get in the way of the friendship and love we share. One person that understands all. This one person is only me. My inner self is the one who can be my everything.
I feel like now that I’m able to climb the ladder of awareness, I can move outside the walls of my body and plunge deeper into my unconscious to understand myself. Now that I know that I’m my own everything, I can understand how to not let one person make me feel like I’m not worth anything. I’ve accepted that if someone doesn’t want to show me they care, its not worth fighting for them. If they don’t want to show me they care, they aren’t worth my time. I’m worth it. I deserve to be cared about and I deserve to realize that some people are impossible to deal with. The deep blue seas can’t bathe me and wash my problems away, but connecting with nature is almost like connecting with yourself, some higher being created us both. Now that I have truly found my inner Ana, I can fully love my self. I have a tight grip on how much I’m worth, and not letting anyone tell me otherwise. I’m now able to forgive the one I feel in love with. I’m able to understand why he couldn’t pull me back up; I had to do it myself. Now that I’ve achieved this state of happiness, my next step is to figure out what to do with myself, besides loving my soul.