There are certain moments in your life when it takes all you've got just to keep on living. This is my story about how I felt like I had nothing to live for but knew that in the end I had so much left to do.
The worst day of my life was when I found out that my step-father was dying from years of alcholism.
I remember that day exactly. We had taken him to the hospital. His skin was the color of piss. He was laying on one of the hospital beds, his breath comming out in short ragged gasps. It was just my mum and myself there with him. When the doctors came back into the room they had this look on their faces that made my my heart stop and my palms go clammy. They gave the whole " we cant do anything to save him" speech. All the while all i could think about was how their expressions never changed. It was like it was a play that they had rehearsed over and over and they were now just reading their lines. Of course my mum broke down right then and there. I couldnt make myself cross the room to comfort her. What would I have said anyway? I was on auto-drive... I couldnt think ... I couldnt breathe...I remember my lungs felt like they had been filled with cement... they were so heavy it felt like they were going to come crashing out of my body... it hurt so bad...
All of a sudden I jump up and grab my car keys and walk down the hallway towards the exit. It seemed like everyone was staring at me. I do suppose looking back on it now that i probably looked terrifying.
As soon as the automatic doors shut behind me I took off at a sprit to the car. I ignored the screetching tires and the honking of a car as i dashed across the road. As soon as i got to the car I got the keys and tried to unlock the doors. My hands were shaking so hard I couldnt even manage to keep a hold on the keys. Before I could unlock the doors they fell to the ground. I slumped to the ground in a heap. I felt my throat tighten and my eyes sting. " dont cry Damnit!" I yelled at myself... to late... I felt hot tears roll down my face... my world had just collapsed around me and there was nothing I or any of those damn doctors could do about it! I sat there on the ground by my car in the middle of the parkinglot rocking myself as ragged sobbs overtook my body.
Unlike before my mind wouldnt turn off... I just kept thinking and thinking! I wanted to go numb, to not feel anymore. I would have given anything to have that luxury at that moment.... I wanted to shrivel up and die just like that man in the hospital bed. How could I be here when everything around me was leaving?...God! and my mum! what was she going to do?!
At that moment I snapped back into reality.. It hit me like a ton of bricks! While I was out her feeling sorry for myself my Mum was inside that damn place by herself feeling just as bad as me! I knew that I had to stay strong for her... I had to help her through this... After all who had cared for me these last seventeen years and dried my tears? I quickly dried my eyes and walked back into the hospital towards the one thing in my life that i couldnt afford to lose.