Trust
There are people in this world that act on impulse, or people who think everything over to much. There are those that follow their heart and those who follow what their minds tells them. I like to consider my self as one who thinks everything over too much, but I actually always end up following my heart. That’s why when I tried to find faith; it took me longer then six months. My heart felt it right away, I knew that I wanted it, but something in my head was holding me back. Something was telling me think this through and make sure it’s for you. This made the decision that much more important to me when it was finally made. I became a Christian and it was the best and smartest decision I’ve ever made.
I was raised a Catholic, and I guess I started off as this badass kid who did things despite her parents. When I was young, I believe because my family believed and I taught to believe. But in middle school, I didn’t want to believe in a god because my mother did. I wanted to believe because I wanted to. And so, because I thought I believed for my mom I decided I didn’t believe at all.
My mom is my hero and my inspiration. The one thing that I would never understand is after all she’s been through how could she possible believe in a god. She got cancer when I was in second grade, only 2 years after my youngest sister was born. The Kowalski kids are extremely active; we all play sports and snowboard together. My mom couldn’t participate in any of it. The cancer left her with extremely bad joints to the point where it’s hard for her to use a pencil and some days even walk. Yet there she was trying to tell me that she was thankful for everything god had given her. She knew she had gotten cancer for a reason and the god always had a plan. She told me that we have to thank him for what we have, and ask for strength to get through everything else.
At the time, I thought she was weak.
I thought she needed a crutch.
I thought she looked to God, and tried to convince herself everything would be okay.
I thought she was stupid.
I couldn’t believe she believed in something so ridicules.
When you do something you never done before or are put in a situation that you’ve never been in before, you tend to look around at everyone and everything with judging eyes., I went to Windy City Community Church for the first youth group of the year I was just looking to have a good time, and I wasn’t even thinking about God. My friend had invited my to go, and I figure it was a good excuse to hang out late on a Sunday night. All I could think about was winning the one-man dodge ball game. I remember thinking how nice and friendly everyone was, how welcoming the whole place was, and how eager everyone was to find out my name, and a little bit about me. It was nice, and I came back the next week.
But the second week was nothing like the first. Sure, we started off with another game, but then things changed. We went into the church and we worshipped. I shouldn’t say we. They worshipped. I just looked around at everyone getting so into singing to someone who wasn’t even there, hands raised and eye closed.
Then after that strange experience, we separated into small groups and talked about faith and why bad things happen to good people.. The first thing that popped into my mind was why would my mom get cancer. It was the one question I had about faith, and we talked about it the first night there.
It had to be a sign.
There was one girl there, her name was Hannah. She started crying. Out of no where. She told me that we had to trust God. That we had to believe he had a reason for everything. We had to learn form what he was trying to show us. She had the strongest faith I’d ever seen. She tried so hard to get her point across to me, and to be honest she succeeded.
From that point on, there was something in my heart that told me I just needed to trust him. That all I had to do was believe I would be saved. Except, my mind held me back. It told me it was so illogical for some one to be looking down at us, there was no such thing as a man who could cure people just by touch.
So after battling with my heart saying “yes”, and my mind saying “no” for a whole six months, I decided to go on a retreat. I wanted to see other kids and their faith. The second night there during worship, which I had gotten used to by then, and sometimes even enjoyed, it hit me. If all I had to do was believe, why not let my heart go for it. I mean, it’s a win win situation. It finally all clicked. All I had to do was believe.
That’s it.
I wasn’t weak.
I wasn’t stupid.
I was believing.
Jesus Christ died on the cross for my sins. If I believe that with my heart, I was saved. When you’re heart and mind both tell you yes, you know you are making the right decision. I didn’t make it for my mom, or anyone else. I made it for myself. For myself. That feeling is fantastic.