Most of my relationships have been online. Therefore they don't really see my body, usually just my face or Shoulders and up. About two months ago I got with Gabe so he sees me in person since he goes to my school. I’ve always been very aware of my weight so I'm self-conscious about it. Specifically my stomach and my face. I never liked how I looked because I thought that I was ugly just because I had a little chub. 

Going into my friendship with Gabe back in drivers ed I never thought we would date just because of my weight. I always caught myself thinking about how athletic and to fit he was so there's no way he would like someone “like me.” Someone so ugly and overweight Because of this my thoughts would come crashing down like waves with me stuck underwater.  But then we would talk for hours and hours about our home life and goof off in and out of class. I always wished time would stop when we were walking around. My heavy ocean of water always filled my head, but it stayed still and calm with him. 

Once we got together I started being more worried about how he would feel about my face and stomach since I thought they were my biggest flaws. He would constantly reassure me that how I saw myself wasn't at all how he did, even trying to show me it was not as bad as I thought. He started to make me realize that my face wasn't as bad but I was so stuck on my weight. He would constantly hold my face in his hands and look at me. I would always be embarrassed and feel silly because I thought I looked so ugly when he looked at me. Then I stopped wearing makeup around him because I felt safe and he made me not want to wear it. He made me feel like I was prettier without it. 

I was still embarrassed and ashamed of my stomach chub so I wasn't convinced he saw it as an attractive feature. The ocean in my head was overflowing with dangerous waves salted with doubt to the point where I never let him hold me the way he wanted because I didn't want him to touch it because the ocean told me it was gross and flawed. Throughout the time I've spent with him in the beginning he never took much interest in my stomach so I never had to make a big deal of not wanting him to touch it. But eventually, when we were snuggling or laying together he would want to hold me and pull me close or simple things like that. I always tried to make sure he wouldn't grab my stomach and if he did I’d move away or move his hand/arm away. 

I was drowning myself in this ocean because I was letting the waves get too big. He started noticing and would question me on it, I’d always just end up talking myself down and he’d reassure me that it wasn't bad. Then one day he held me and wouldn't let me go. He told me how he did not find it gross and at the time I just didn't understand.  That day was more or less the main moment to sway my thinking when it came to how I saw myself. On top of that small things like that continued for a few weeks.

 Since this was happening I was getting more comfortable with him touching me and I was starting to notice I wasn't putting myself down as much; because he was showing me it wasn't that bad. Then one day I took the initiative to let him hold me by my stomach. He was a little surprised and even asked me if I was ok with it a few times. Skip to the present day I’ve never felt more comfortable around another person than how I am around him.  

I learned to love myself and my body because he showed me it’s not as bad as I saw myself. A Lot of the time people say you have to love yourself in order to love someone else, but I’ve never believed in that because I've had my fair share of love interests and boyfriends/girlfriends, and I never loved myself but with Gabe, I love him so very much. Through loving him I started to love myself because he showed me that I'm not ugly or super overweight like the ocean tried in my head tried to show me. 

Dedicated to the love of my life, Gabriel. <3

Thank you for everything you do! <3