“Go home and write

a page tonight.

And let that page come out of you”

What kind of a writing prompt is this? What is it that you want me to write about? How am I supposed to know what you want the reader to read? Not that I care about what other people think because I don't, however I would like to get a good grade on this. 

 This reminds me of when you're just getting to know someone and you are asking people questions and it gets to the point where you say “What do you want to know? I am an open book”.  The only difference is I am not an open book. I am many things but an open book is not one. I never have been and never will be. Nothing personal. I just do not think that telling someone my life story is the way I wanna go. People know what I allow them to know about me and I can not allow someone to know something when I do not trust them. Trust is not given, it is earned. Trust is a very hard thing for me. I have some serious trust issues that have been here for a long time. And trying to explain my life to someone is a lot harder than you may think. 

For starters, where do I even begin? Do I start with how I have devoted my entire life to doing one of the most dangerous sports in the world? Do I try to explain to them the amount of things I have had to sacrifice in order to succeed as an equestrian and how I am NOT a ‘Horse girl’ and it's actually a sport that I  plan on going to the Olympics in. I could always simply dive right into the death of my older brother when I was ten years old if the horse conversation got old. And how I will never be able to smile the same way again. Or how one of my sisters has despised me since the day I was born and I have not seen her in over three years. We could always talk about how people say I lead a ‘perfect life’ even though it is far from. Do not get me wrong, I am happy however nothing in life is what it seems to be. Or we could just mention how I never cry and how I am ‘coldhearted’ and I am a ‘psychotic b*tch’.  But if people took the time to actually get to know me they might just discover that why yes, I may be those things but however there is more than just that to me. There is a different side to me that most people do not see.  No matter how you look at me I am only human. More than a pretty face. More than a horse girl.  More than a junior in high school. More than the girl whose brother died. Those are all titles on a cover to someone. But there is always something behind a title, a story. There always is something behind a title whether it is good or bad there's something there. Part of me wonders if people are afraid to look beyond titles due to fear of the unknown. 

Fear is the strangest thing…The things that scare us are very random sometimes. You could have done something 1000 times and still be scared of it. How is that possible? Someone asked me one time “How did you get rid of your nerves?” and what I said was “If something scared me or made me uncomfortable I did it until I wasn't afraid anymore”, and it's true. I am not afraid to ride an animal that could kill me but I am afraid of people. How is that possible? I gallop at full speed to jump something that is bigger than me without even blinking but when it comes to opening up to someone I am terrified. I am afraid of flying in a plane, boats, loss, heartbreak, and love.  I have been flying on planes since I was six weeks old and it still scares me to this day. However, that fear does not stop me from flying… Never has and it never will because I am not going to let fear control my life. I have always had a fear of boats. Being in a boat means being on the water and if I am on the water then it raises my chance of drowning right? My uncle drowned. But I still go out on the water anyway because someday I will not be scared anymore. And I do not want to miss out on life because I am scared of what might happen. Fear of what might happen is no way to live life. Ever since my brother died I have never been able to stop thinking about losing more people. It messed me up pretty good because I am now very cautious of who I get attached to. But at the end of the day it is just the hope that you will not lose them.

And love… I am SO scared of love. I am scared of opening my heart up to someone and then having it ripped right out of my chest. I am scared of the thought of losing the person I love. But then again someone said “it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.  Speaking from experience heartbreak hurts more than you will ever know… especially when it comes from the person you least expect it. From the person that is supposed to be with you at Christmas, birthdays, graduation, your wedding, ec… But at some point you have to open your heart back up. It is a leap of faith. It is something that you can not control.  You just jump in with both feet and hope you can swim. That is the only way we learn. Fear makes you live your life on the cautious side and life is too short not to take risks. I don't want to live my life wondering how different things would be if I had taken that chance. 

Speaking of wonders…Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you had brushed your teeth for an extra 30 seconds? Or skipped breakfast that day? Gone home straight after school?  Stayed home instead of going to that party? Told someone about the nightmares you have that come true? Who knows… you could have saved someone's life if you had done that. But did you? No, you did not. Even though you know it was technically not your fault you will always blame yourself. If there was any chance you had to save the person you love, you would have taken it. But that's all life really is… full of what if’s and if you focus on those you are not really living because you are so focused on the what if part that you are not paying attention to the could be part. 

What I hope you get from this is there is a lot more to me than most people think. Do not judge a book by its cover… cause if you do without knowing the reasoning behind it you could be missing out on something spectacular. So go ahead, judge me, I dare you. But just remember this… You know nothing about me.