Sitting in a room full of girls you grew up with, after everything changed, feeling like things were going back to the way they were, a thing, a place, a feeling you never wanted to feel again. That you weren’t trusted or that people weren’t comfortable around you, had an impression of you, I thought it went away, maybe not maybe it was always there and just hidden very well but there all along?

To bring things up that were not brought up for a long time. They speak of your mother as though she can not be trusted as though she is not loyal. So, just because I have a good relationship with my mom and tell her everything she is not trustworthy? She is the most trustworthy mom here, simples minded she is not and she WILL help you. She will tell you what you NEED to hear and not what you want to hear.

Then you try to do better, to MAKE SOMEONE ELSE FEEL BETTER DAMNIT! Afraid of you? She was afraid of you? Afraid to tell you something? I thought I knew her better, I thought she was a friend but honestly, would a friend say something like that, feel like that about you? No. the answer is simple. No she would not.

It hurts. It hurts bad. Things changed, maybe they really didn’t. they think I will take it the wrong way? Really? It hurts deep. A sad pain that dose not go away easy of painlessly. To heal the pain sometimes you have to add more pain, cut the wound deeper to make it better. Bleed it out I guess.

They asked why I was crying. Well tings are going back to the way they used to be thinking I was cold n heartless. And I brought up the topic that hurts most. I lost a best friend, or who I thought was a best friend. I was there for her. She left. Not in a nice way either. They threw her to the ground like a puppy. I was her only friend. She leave me for the ones who threw her out! And I thought it was going to happen AGAIN! If it happened again I couldn’t take it. I told mom what was going on with her. No matter what happened it was not going to happen again. The subject is still painful for me. it hurts because I trusted her we were so close and in the snap of fingers poof. Magic. Shes gone. You cry. You cant help it. She left me.. so close and then bye bye not even in a nice way either she threw me like they threw her. I made my friends and it turned out loosing her made life easier for me but it still hurts. It was happening again. It would not happen again I promised myself.

I am not cold. I am not mean. I am not untrustable. Take it the wrong way? Ask me. telll me. all I wanted to do was be nice, make you feel better, how am I going to know how you feel when you don’t tell me? MAKE YOU! YOU! YOU FEEL BETTER! I am NOT mad. But I am hurt by how you think of me. I am not hard and stone cold. How could you think of me so? If you are simply telling me to stop something how can I take it the wrong way and get mad?

Im me. blunt, straitfoward, attitude that me. I will just spit it out why build up to the point? Like it, hate it, I really don’t care I have been there before. I do not want to go back. I will if I have to.

Pain. Different pain. One that hurts so deep to stop the pain you have to rip it deeper. Not a simple healing process. One that takes time. Not a painless one, not a pain reliever, but it needs to be healed. NEEDS. I don’t know how people got this peception of me. I don’t care, well I do but my life would be way easier if I didn’t.

Everytime I enter her room, it brings more pain then good. Everytime I enter that room I feel like I am being ganged up on. Everytime I enter that room I wonder why I went in in the first place. I will not go back. Am I okay? Im not okay im not o freaking kay! Check out my chemical romance, im not okay that’s me now.

Thanks to A—who was defending me saying how should I know, Miss M------ for saying how should I know? Thank to J-------- for saying that I helped her stop something horrible because she knew she was loosing me. thank to