I want to be an artist. A girlfriend. Maybe a wife. An author. A journalist. That’s what I would say if I was solely focusing on the material things. But will my friends get me there? I don’t know. I very simply cannot answer this question. 

They lift my mood up some days and drain me other days. I don’t know if it’s the possible neurodivergence or not, but I don’t know. I feel like I have kind of settled because of how low I think of myself. I don’t think people like me because I’m loud and like things a particular way. I even think my friends are just pretending to like me, so I disappear at lunch sometimes. I don’t know. This is why I might transfer schools so I can find my people, maybe. 

I wish I could have a more detailed answer. I wish I didn’t have this document littered with “I don’t know”s and the “I don't think”s. 

There are so many things I want to be in 5 years. 

Someone capable of showing sisterly affection. Someone able to say I love you to my family. Someone who isn’t so stiff and formal when I’m stressed or anxious. An improved writer. Someone who has the ability to pick up on social cues and body language as readily as breathing. 

A lot of these things would make my life so much happier. But will it make it more simple? I’ve never been one for complexity, but my life seems to be so filled with it. 

I suppose that’s typical, but is it actually desired? Do people desire a complex life? A complex backstory? Is it normal to want those things? Or is it just so normalized that having a simple life is looked at as not successful or desired? 

A lot of people would answer this question with something as simple as bullet points, but my brain will not simply allow me to do that. I overthink a lot, which causes me to over-complicate. Maybe that is my issue. I overthink. I don’t know. 

There’s that phrase again. It’s the most simple, yet complex phrase out there. You don’t know, but what do you not know? And even if you know the answer to that, what do you not know about what you don’t know? 

I don’t know what more to say. Or even if there is any more to say. All I have are questions that are beyond difficult to put into words. I’m not even sure if there are any words to put it properly. Should I try? Should I give up? 

Let me try it, at least. You can laugh at my downfall if you so wish to do so. 

If someone trips and falls, is it the floor's fault for being there? Or is it the person’s fault for not looking where their feet are going? Is the fault there? 

Let me try that again. 

Say there are two people. They are both each other’s downfall. Is the fault assignable or is it neutral? Is it there? Is it just floating in between the two like a feather, waiting to see which person the wind decides to blow it to? 

There are so many things I wish to be and wish to do in 5 years.

Would this question have been easier if I had just focused on the material things? 

Should I not have gone deeper into the question? 

Should I have stayed on topic and let my voice be silent? 

A lot of people think I’m weird. I’m quiet. Because I’m stressed; because I don’t know how to start a conversation without it being awkward. I don’t know how to make my voice heard, and even as I’m re-reading this, I think it’s silly and I should just get rid of it. Like it won’t matter. It is taking an unconquerable amount of strength to rid myself of the urge. Maybe I should listen to it. But would that be for the best? 

Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. 

I stay quiet. I’m afraid the more people who know me, the more people will want to stay away from me. People don’t know me and they stay away from me. Like I don’t know some people and I stay away from them. 

Will my friends help me reach my goal? Will I help them reach their goal? 

I love helping my friends, but I am not so sure if they like helping me as much. Sometimes, I feel like a pity project to them. Like they’re only helping me out because my life is such a disaster. Because of that, I don’t even tell them about it anymore. I don’t want to bring their mental health down because mine is bad some days. I care about them. More than I’ve actually ever cared for someone, but I can’t keep giving them all the little parts of me that my family doesn’t get if they don’t care. 

I don’t know. I think too much. Perhaps this is boring to read and I have wasted most of my day. But this was originally a weekend check-in from my Reach Teachers. The title was the mixing question. I chose to go a little more in-depth than I already had. They said to add more positive things, but this was all I could think of. Did I do it right?