“Even I Didn’t Know What a “Christian” is…” 

When friends and relatives I know come up to me and ask “ So since you’ve been a Christian since you were little, is that why you always had that amazing connection with God that made you the perfect guy you are today?” I’m telling you, when I heard that question being asked to me I burst out laughing and made a “huh?!” type of face. That's not true at all, not one bit. Growing up, I’ve lived in a Christian household my whole life. My family believes in Christ like the whole family, not just my mom and dad and siblings, the whole family… well from my mom’s side. Even my aunt is a pastor of our church as well, so yeah basically my whole life has been a part of Christianity. At first, though, I had no clue what a ‘Christian’ was or who even God was in general. So I haven’t had that full connection, or faith as a Christian during my childhood. I would hate, I mean with all honesty, HATE going to church because as a child, the services were so boring to me and in a Spanish-speaking church, it was really hard for me to understand. Before we leave for church I would always try to pretend I’m sick or even start a tantrum just to stay with my dad at home and not participate in any activities with the church (I know I was a grouch as a kid). But whenever I was forced to go to church and during the service my pastor would be talking about Jesus Christ, I’m always like “Who is that?” and “Why do we need to care so much about him?” Yes, I was a little boy who asked a lot of questions a little too much, so I sounded annoyed. Also, I would yell those questions out and my mom would give me the death stare when I interrupted the pastor (yes I got my butt whooped when we went back home) but literally, I wasn’t a fan of being a Christian at all… But as time went on and around 12 or 13 years old, that's where I started to take it seriously and started having a relationship with God, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made and it was a beautiful experience. But unfortunately, out of the church and my home, there were times my beliefs and representation as a Christian were being tested. 

“The term “Christian” was first applied to followers of Jesus in Antioch. Before that, followers of Jesus were called disciples. Today, the term Christian is more predominantly used than disciple, but in the New Testament, the two terms were synonymous. The New Testament story tells us that disciples were people who were called by Jesus to follow him.” (Leah B.)

I don’t get why people think whoever follows Christ is now considered perfect and will get anything they want and have the most perfect life with no worries and stress. During this time in our society, there is a misconception about Christians having a perfect life when in reality, our lives are the same as others. From my experiences, life was getting tougher. I dealt with anxiety, I dealt with depression, and I dealt with things that a lot of people around this whole world deal with. Being a Christian doesn’t make life easier at all. Temptations become even harder and emotions become even more tough to handle. For example, listening to music. My mom always tells me to try to get away from secular music (from the world) and just stay focused on Christian music and worship. It is SO HARD! It's so hard to stop listening to secular music because it’s really good and at times with christian music I get bored with it. It is something I’m still working on today, Especially trying to not listen to The Weeknd so much because he is my favorite artist, but I gotta learn how to lean away from it to help me (spiritually) get closer to God. Also, another example I can give was during my freshman year of high school. I tried out for high school football, and I was really good. My teammates and the coaches also thought I had so much potential, but then injuries happened. I pulled my hamstring and messed up my knees. I think I tore something in my knee during practice and that’s how my high school football career went downhill. I tried to make a comeback, but the pain in my knee is so painful that it was affecting me to the point where some days I couldn’t even walk right. When I told my coaches about my injury (who I thought were awesome coaches) talked negatively about me thinking I’m weak and that my injuries weren’t serious (but the sad part is they were serious…), then with all that happening my grandpa got very sick and it was affecting my family, but mostly me and my dad. We all thought that we were going to lose him, so from there on, I knew that family was more important than my athletic career, so I quit football and was away there for him when he needed help. Emotions had started to gain more control over me and I didn’t notice that my mental health was being impacted as well. I started to be angrier all the time, not being so connected with my family, and then the feeling of loneliness was evolving and it was those feelings that I thought I would never have. Mixing my life with all those situations happening I just kept running away from God instead of seeking him, and then I was just becoming a lukewarm Christian where I just tried to fit in and give more time to the world than to God. I cursed out badly like it was to the point where I should’ve had my mouth washed with soap because I sounded like a rated-R movie. But that was during freshman year just to make myself look cool in front of my friends and always I would make fun of people too just to ‘FIT IN…’ Looking back my behavior is so disgusting I just couldn’t believe I was like that at all. Overall, the temptation is a huge factor that can take someone away from God just to have a little moment of pleasure and just to fit into the evil that is evolving around this world. I was someone who let temptations take control of my life and pushed me away from God.  

“Billy Graham once put it this way, “A Christian is a person who trusts Jesus Christ for their eternal salvation and is seeking to follow Him in their daily life. To put it another way, a Christian is committed to Jesus as both their Savior and their Lord (or master).” (Stutzman)

“My relationship with the lord was off to a rough start…”

At the age of 12 or 13 after committing my life as a Christian through communion. During service, my pastor preached to the members of our church that being a follower of Christ is not going to be accessible at all and she told us we will have those good and bad days, but also that nobody is perfect at all. At the almost end of the service she was asking if anyone needs any prayers at all then we both made eye contact. I remember that she called me out and told me that she sees me as a preacher one day and I will save many lives too. She did pray for me and we hugged it out, but also while we were hugging she spoke into my ear saying that she believed with all her heart that it would happen. At first, I had to show respect and say thank you to her with a big smile to show that I do believe her, but from a young age I didn’t believe her at all, and I thought being a Christian would be super easy because we have God outside and he will give us what we need quickly and also Christians are always happy, right? So I thought that I would have no worries or stress at all. But for her to say that she sees me as a preacher I felt was very far-fetched. I had no idea what a preacher was or what they should be talking about, also I was a super shy kid and barely talked to anyone in my church so I never saw myself doing that. But now as an 18-year-old and looking back, I should’ve believed in what my pastor told me that day. The crazy part was that she was right, I have preached about three or four times after that and it was an awesome experience to talk and talk about my testimony. But being a Christian is hard and it does take a lot of sacrifice…

“You see, Christianity isn’t just a religion, it is a relationship born out of love. It’s a story of a great, loving God who sent Himself to solve a problem every person is tangled up in. Don’t run away from its reality.” (Stutzman, Cheri)

My relationship with God, yes it’s awesome and he is awesome in general, but when I started to try to worship him during church, I felt nothing at all which is the holy spirit inside me. The holy spirit or holy ghost is a witness of God and Jesus Christ where it is inside of us all and when you feel the emotions of the holy spirit inside you it feels like your heart dropped, can’t stand still, and emotions all over the place in a good way. I wasn’t feeling it at all. My 13-year-old self is looking at everyone else and my mom and I’m saying “They are feeling it like HOW?!” You see them dancing a little, worshiping, praising and my mom was crying with joy and I’m over here like “Why am I not feeling it? ”. So when we are at home, in my bedroom I put on worship music and try to read the bible, I tried again, and nothing at all. I was getting frustrated and I was questioning myself “Is God even real?” I have to admit, I had to lie to my friends and family that I do feel the holy spirit and feel the connection with God just to make myself fit in. I felt like a total outcast because as well they had true encounters with God and I never did at all. You know that feeling when you get older your parents finally tell you that Santa Claus isn’t real and your childhood dreams do get crushed but you have to accept it. That was the feeling I have with God, I started to believe that he is just a myth.

“Every believer has times in which they feel as though God is distant. Or absent altogether.

Many Christians assume that silence from Heaven means something has gone wrong, that the inability to “feel” God’s Spirit means God has turned His face away. But this is not what God’s Word tells us. His apparent silence is, in fact, an important part of how He works in our lives and grows us up into the men and women of faith He wants us to be.” (Greear, J. D)

So moving forward from late 2019 to 2021. Those were the worst years I’ve ever had. With covid and the lockdown, it messed up my self-esteem. Also during that time, I was bullied verbally for believing in God and also I was betrayed by people who I thought were my friends, just for them to fit in with the wrong crowd. With all this happening, Instead of taking a step forward, I was taking large steps back. I was battling depression and I hid my emotions with a fake smile while I went out in public. I felt like I was wearing an actual mask. I suffered from bad anxiety and I would get these panic attacks out of nowhere, where I couldn't breathe, I started shaking, and I started sweating profusely. It felt like I was carrying so much weight and heavy burdens everywhere with me and I was feeling so unpleasant and uncomfortable when I go out that I didn’t even want to leave my home, so I just make an excuse to stay in my room and just be in the dark and try to sleep it off, but nothing wasn’t working at all. I would not tell my parents about what I’m going through because I don’t want them to worry about me at all and just think I’m crazy too. It was tough and it was my downfall year. To be honest, I’ve never felt so alone and broken; it started to cause me to have suicidal thoughts and those thoughts, it was wrapping around my mind like chains and they wouldn’t let me go. I thought that I- you know if I kill myself that nobody wouldn’t care, my family wouldn’t care and just move on with their own lives. I was in just total darkness and I almost let my emotions win…

“In 2019, a study in The LancetTrusted Source reported that some 12.5% of the global population would have an issue with their mental health at some time in their life. In March 2022, the WHO reported that worldwide, anxiety and depression increased by 25%Trusted Source in the first year of the pandemic.” (Lang, Katharine)

But I remember one time in the middle of the night, I woke up with pure anxiety and I was having another panic attack. I couldn’t breathe and everything around me felt like it was becoming smaller and smaller letting my claustrophobia start its alert. Also, my mind was spinning crazy to the point I was sweating badly and shaking so badly that I just wanted to jump out of my bedroom window. But through my panic attack I closed my eyes and just had enough of all this, that’s the moment where I just went on my knees, looked up at the ceiling, and started seeking God and saying to him “Why is this happening to me? God, why am I going through this, why?!” I bowed down and just started praying and glorifying him, shouting out his name, and then all of sudden I felt peace, like the peace I haven’t felt in a long time. I was crying but deep down in my heart I felt calm and this is where I heard “You are not alone Danaven. I’m here with you forever. You are never alone” …

“I need a moment of silence

I don't like change, but I'll try it

I don't wanna hear what I should or I shouldn't do

Why are they always defiant?

See, all my emotions are liars

All my emotions are violent

They don't want the freedom to find me

Mention a name and everybody riots (Change)

 Yeah, that's why I'm checkin' my vitals

They keep on working, but I know

Breathing doesn't mean you're alive, so

I bag up all of my trash and walk out on my tightrope

Positive thoughts are my rivals (Change)

I'm tryna be on their side though

Should I feel comfortable? I don't

Last year, I felt suicidal

This year, I might do something different like talking to God more” (NF Real Music)

That was my true encounter with God. After that encounter, I had enough courage to tell my parents how I was feeling and then told my youth pastors how I was feeling as well they just gave me so much love and support that I should’ve never thought they would judge me for I am and for what I was going through by myself. It was a long process but telling them to let so much relief off my chest started to help build my relationship with God more and now I read the Bible more, put on worship music, pray more, and just talk to God everywhere I go because he is always there for me. I was then baptized and baptism is an expression of identification with Jesus Christ’s death and when he was resurrected. This is when a follower of Christ goes into the water to renew from their old self. I wanted to do it so I could feel refreshed and clean. when it happened, it was a feeling I can’t explain,  just pure joy and happiness. Also, I felt so clean and the holy spirit inside me was filled with so much gratitude. Looking back at the dark moments I’ve had, it was my learning process not only for myself but also to start trusting and believing in God again.

“To be a follower of Jesus sounds like a very active pursuit, and it is. Yet, before someone is an active disciple, that person is a passive sinner. That is, the action begins with Jesus’ action, first of calling and then of justifying the sinner, turning him or her into a new person. Jesus’ historical death and resurrection provide salvation for people dead in sin. Dead people cannot get up and walk; so first Jesus must give them new life through the Holy Spirit, enabling them to begin following.” (Leah B.)

“I became an influencer…”

Going through that long process between myself and controlling my mental health, I’m happier now. I also have times when I took risks that were out of my comfort zone, and taking those risks made me proud of myself because from what I was going through my struggles, I would never take those risks. I just can’t thank God enough for getting me through those burdens and even though I do have days where I feel my anxiety, I remind myself that God is with me and that I can do this. Which is awesome to see and look at me now. With that being said, every time I look into the internet and the news, I just keep hearing about people committing suicide and that it was increasing during the pandemic, I couldn’t bear to finish the news because those families will now go through the pain and will always question themselves if they could have done something differently so that their son or daughter, mom or dad, etc. would still be alive today with them. 

I wanted to share my voice about what I went through to help those around this world to know that they aren’t alone and give them a voice, a sign of hope for them as well. I’m an artist and I love to draw and sketch, and overall I love to be creative. I got it from both my mom and my dad; they are both so talented and creative. But I’m also self-taught and made myself watch many youtube videos of sketching and I looked up at Stan Lee too. I look up to him a lot because he helped me not only get better at drawing but also made me know that anyone can draw, good or bad, anyone can! 

That’s my backstory as an artist or sketcher whatever you want to call me, but coming back to what I want to do to help people, I want to incorporate art into this situation of mental health that needs to be talked about even more, because I want people who look at these drawings that I made and let them know that whatever they are dealing with, they aren’t alone at all. Not only that but as for myself where I’m the light in their darkness. So I drew, which focused on having a fake smile, carrying burdens, trying to escape, and also I made a mask that was drawn all over with words and phrases of everything that I went through. After making all of these drawings and the mask I made, I had a hard time thinking if I wanted to post them on Instagram. The reason why is that I didn’t want anyone to think I was having a problem or they wouldn’t care about these drawings at all. But I trusted myself, trusted in God, and prayed that anyone who saw my drawings could know what I’m trying to show and speak about through my drawings and also support me as well. So on Instagram, I made a new account which is called ‘DG Artist’ and when I finished editing my drawings to make them more clean and understandable with the edits of black and white and the reason why I keep it between those two colors is that I want my drawings to be ‘REAL’. If I show a drawing where it has colors of the rainbow I feel it is not showing the true message, I want to stick to the black and white to know that I was in that pure darkness in those moments, which is what the black is representing. But also the white shows in each drawing that the color represents hope. I saw the submit button and I know what I’m doing is not for fame at all, but to help people and give them their voice to open up and not be scared to talk about what they are going through. Then I pressed the button and I hoped for the best for what was about to happen…

“The good news, however, is that God can use for good what man desires for evil. After all, God turned the death of Christ on the cross into salvation for you and me. Christianity may not guarantee a perfect, problem-free life, but one thing is certain: God promises perfect victory in the end. He promises a problem-free new Heaven and new Earth with Jesus (Revelation 21-22).” (RFTH Ministries) 

“With God all things are possible”...

It’s been almost 2 years since I posted and started the DG Artist page, but It’s just amazing to see how God makes the impossible possible. What I’m trying to say is that my account has grown! Many people have liked my drawings and even sent me a message privately saying “thank you” and “You made my day but also saved my life!” Every time I get those messages I get goosebumps because I never knew that I would impact anyone's lives at all. But also how God uses my talents to help someone is a huge testimony to talk about forever. To talk about what I’ve gone through and how people open up to me and talk about what they are dealing with and I get questions of “What I should do now?” and “How did you overcome your situation?” and the only true and honest answer I would give them is “God”. I told them about how God saved my life and opened up my eyes that I wasn’t okay at all. They asked me if I can pray for them and this does give me chills because I’ve never seen myself going through and helping people, praying for people, and being an influencer to them. Right now my account is still growing and I’ve been posting more drawings and messages for everyone to see. It’s just unbelievable to think how God uses me through my talents to help focus on mental health…

“God comforts us so that we can comfort others.

God grants us mercy so that we can be merciful to others.

God stands wholeheartedly with us in our suffering so that we will stand wholeheartedly with others who are suffering.

God never leaves us alone in our suffering so that we won’t leave others alone in theirs.” (Zuleger, Dave)

Overall, even though I am a Christian, I am not perfect. All Christians in this world aren't perfect at all. We all go through major battles physically, mentally, and spiritually too. Life is hard and you may never know when that one moment will change your entire perspective and also can change your whole life. Just like me, where I went through a major battle with mental health during Covid, and look at how God uses me now. I can say this as well, I am proud to be a Christian and you want to know why? The reason is that I have someone named Jesus Christ who died on the cross for me and for you, to give us another day of life to be better than yesterday, but do not live in the past, but to move on forward. Also, I have a God who has supported me throughout my whole life and is still writing my story and he is doing the same thing with you! I respect anyone who believes what they believe in, but giving my life to Christ was the best decision I’ve ever made and even though I still have days where it gets hard, and those temptations will come out of nowhere, I know I have God and Jesus by my side to lead me to the right paths and the right decisions. I can't wait for what comes for the next chapter of my life and to anyone reading this, Jesus loves you and I pray that this essay does open up your eyes and your heart. God bless you!

“Not a love that just comes from your lips, it will be a love of the heart. There will be tenderness and brokenness and a sense of forgiveness for those who have injured you when you give your life to Christ. There will be joy in your heart. … And then there will be peace.”

You see, Christianity isn’t just a religion, it is a relationship born out of love. It’s a story of a great, loving God who sent Himself to solve a problem every person is tangled up in.

Don’t run away from its reality.” (Stutzman, Cheri)

Works Cited 

B., Leah. “What Does It Mean to Be a Christian?” Core Christianity, Core Christianity Company, 29 July 2018 corechristianity.com/resource-library/articles/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-christian-really/

Greear, J. D. “When You Can't Feel God” Faithgateway, Faithgateway Company, n/a 2014

faithgateway.com/blogs/christian-books/when-you-cant-feel-god

Lang, Katharine. “Pandemic impact on mental health: A global overview” Medical News Today, Medical News Today Company, 24 March 2022

medicalnewstoday.com/articles/pandemic-impact-on-mental-health-a-global-overview

RFTH ministries. “Christianity Does Not Equal a Perfect Life” RFTH ministries company, 21 March 2020

rightfromtheheart.org/devotions/christianity-does-not-equal-a-perfect-life/

Stutzman, Cheri. “What Does It Mean to Be a Christian?” Evangelistic Association, Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, 24 Jan. 2022, billygraham.org/story/what-does-it-mean-to-be-a-christian/

Tommee Profitt & NF. “Change” Genius, Genius Company, 26 July 2019

genius.com/Nf-change-lyrics

Zuleger, David. “God Brings Us Suffering for Others’ Sake” Desiring God, Desiring God Company, 6 July 2015

desiringgod.org/articles/god-brings-us-suffering-for-others-sake