We kiss like people who are trying to remember something. You search for something in my touch, but I’m too lost to be your compass.
You tell me, “I was in 2nd grade when 9/11 happened. I remember being really confused. Everyone was rushing around me with really serious looks on their faces. I didn’t understand what the big deal was; it was just a plane crash”. We kiss. You search. I wonder. I wonder where this will get us, this relationship we both insist on coming back to, even if it’s only because the loneliness becomes unbearable and the isolation too quiet.
You tell me, “I loved California. It was an ideal childhood of more sunny days than cloudy. There was enough time in the world to do exactly everything that I wanted. I wish I could go back”. We kiss. You search. I wonder. I wonder what it was like to live a continent away from my ideal childhood. I couldn’t imagine a year without the pureness of a first snowfall. As we move in rhythm with each other’s heartbeats I think about how much I hate the sunshine.
You tell me, “I was in kindergarten this one day and this kid told me something was ‘sexy’. I didn’t know what was supposed to mean. It took me a long time to figure out what it meant”. We kiss. You search. I wonder. I wonder if we ever figure out what “sexy” means.
You tell me, “I went back to California this summer. There was a girl there who I had known since I was a kid. We talked over the years even though she was there and I was here. She was perfect. We shared so much, we grew up separated by highways, and forests, and mountains but we remained so wonderfully alike. Anyway, I went back there and I saw her. We spent a day in San Francisco. It was a perfect day spent with stories, and memories, and a sense that this should’ve been my life all along. As we rode the train back, the sun setting behind us, we kissed. It seemed as if the pieces had finally fallen into place. The next day I tried to hold her hand and she wouldn’t let me. All she said was, ‘I don’t think this is a good idea’. I haven’t talked to her since. She broke my heart”. We kiss. You search. I wonder.