Coming out of the bathroom, I was so shaky. It was suprising my mom didnt notice when I asked for the phone to call Courtney.
I hadnt grasped the action I had acted upon. Though by my shaking I knew I was goin to find out!
Laying on my floor I started to dialed Courtney's number hesitating every digit I put in, not knowing what was going to happen or how much pain this would have caused my best friend.
As the first ring came I was trying to steady my breathing. Feeling like my lungs werent working like they should have been. Two rings later I could hear her voice. Suddenly, I was frightened to speaked but telling her goodbye was my main priority at this moment. Not thinking or hoping I could possibly save myself from the hundred pain killers I took that had infested my body!
Speaking slowly I answer her hello "Cort." She could automatically hear in my low, cracky voice that something was wrong.
"What's wrong babe?" she asked softly.
At that point I couldn't hold it in anymore, tears streamed down my face as I made loud gasps into the phone.
"Amanda what is wrong!" she demanded imidiatley worried and scared to hear to here my reply.
It took me a minute to slow my breathing enough to talk "Cort," my voice was coming out in a choky whisper " I'm laying on my floor and I dont think I can move."
"Why cant you move?" her voice getting light again as if talking to a baby with a booboo.
This time I didn't even hide the fact that I was sobing into my carpet.
"I took a whole bottle of.." choking off the last words from my lack of breathing.
"A whole bottle of what?!"
"Painkillers."
"Oh, Amanda." she moaned "Why did you do that?"
"Because."
"Because...I'm a bad person! And I hate my life!"
I kept thinking ever muscle in my body was having a spasum or that was me trying to restrain my shaking.
"Amanda, who is at your house?" by the way she spoke to me made me feel like she actually was concerned about what happened to me at this point. This stunned me for a moment, like it pinned me to the floor.
"Everyone," I fianlly managed to choke out " everyone is here."
"So your mom is there?" she asked as if unsure.
"Yes." I replied, still stappled to the floor.
"Go tell your mom amanda!" her voice was now firm.
"What if she gets mad at me?" I sobbed fear creeping back into my mind again. Seeming to be the only thing that clouded my mind.
"You've got to get up an tell her!"
"I don't know if I can move." Telling my muscles to work was getting harder ever second I waiting for my mind to work.
Limbs seeming to get heavier with each quick breathe I took. In my brain I was screaming get up and all my nerve endings were screaming back in numbing pain.Slowly I made my way up to my feet, using the bed as a crutch to grab.
Hobbling to the door I let my hand rest on the handle. Not really conforted by the good in my intentions and the fact my best friend was on the other line wanted me to live.
Slowly turning the knob I stepped out into the hallway to face my mom and brother in the living room. Immediatley, my mothers eyes caught a glimps of my face making her voice go soft like Courtney's did. "What's the matter?" Slowly shifting her position on the couch. Probably getting unconfortable with my red face and shaky body just watching her.
"Amanda, what's wrong?"
"Mom?" I coughed out now unaware of the phone still glued to my ear like it was now part of my skin.
"What?" she asked again waiting for my reply!
Choking out the question that escaped my lips "Will a whole bottle of painkillers hurt me?"
That was probably the most terrifying thing I've ever put myself through. But since I got out from the hospital a week later I've gone through three weeks of therapy. My life is getting better and better every single day but I sometimes I can't get the delight of it all out of my head. Like the craving of your favorite candy bar when you are stuck in Candy Land. The thoughts of doing it again burns through my brain as an need not a want. Then a bunch of thoughts come into my mind like a reaction I can't really control. The first is about how all these people I loved coming to the hospital waiting to hug me with the little strength they had left. The other is my mom had bought me a magazine that I was looking through when everyone had departed from the hospital.
There was a picture of a really pretty girl across it was a short paragraph. The part I noticed the most and will never forget was where she said 'I'm glad I didnt commit suicide because my life is amazing now."