It’s like you are helpless. Utterly helpless. You wish to be normal and happy. It has been years. Four years and five months and since then, nothing has been able to fill the hole inside you. You WISH to be complete. You have someone who makes you complete but the hole stays there – wide and hollow. You are afraid it’s going to increase any day. You have already lost a family member and now you are about to lose another anytime. You see harsh realities every single day. You go to school and look at teens of your age and you wonder ‘could they ever handle what I handle?’ You have stopped talking much so you just sit and smile and be nice to everyone. People would say you are anti-social behind your back. On your face they might say ‘why are you such a serious person ?’ and stuff like ‘speak up’ but all the power in the world can not make you who you used to be. It can not complete you. There will be special people in your lives or that special someone and no matter how hard they try to give you a normal life, you are dragged back into the darkness. Not just any darkness, darkness inside you. You are dull, you are serious, you forgot how to talk for hours on the phone with your friends, you cut friends off when they invite you somewhere, most of the time well, you just a fake a smile and pretend you are the happiest person with no worries in the world. Even when you smile , you think ‘ how can I even smile with him lying on the bed motionless, struggling with death every minute?’ And so the smile fades away. People will tell you to be happy and that there are others worse off than you and they will tell you to hold on to faith and never let go of it and to hold on to hope. But even when you are listening to people say all this, you don’t even pay attention because all they can do is talk, they can not and will never be willing to be in your shoes. They never will be in your shoes. Then you wonder ‘Why not them?’ Were they more precious to God? You believe this is unfair. This goes on and on and on. Then there comes a time when you seek places to be alone, when you fall in love with solitude, when you want to be the way you are with the one you love, when you don’t wish to fake anymore with anyone –especially the special someone and you wish to be loved. You wish to have answers. Yet, you still wish for the hole to be filled but only the thought of knowing it can never be possible, kills you all over again. All you can do for now is spill your feelings into words and write – something that you’re good at.