The following is a matter of great importance tovirtually all women and possibly even some sumo wrestlers. I have come to theconclusion that underwire bras are the tool of the devil. Atomic bombs, chemicalwarfare, Uzis and other weapons of mass destruction are bad, sure, but all palein comparison to the Bra of Death. It's all part of a carefully crafted,intricately planned, top-secret conspiracy to take over the world.

It allbegins with the seemingly innocent-looking underwire bra, available everywhere.Bras are nasty things to begin with, and are only made worse by a thin piece ofwire lining the bottom of the cups, with no discernable use at all. The truly sadpart is that in this day and age, we have the technology to make bras withoutwire, but the underwear companies seem to insist on continually pumping out theunderwire torture racks, so every woman has no choice but to buy some.

Thelist of atrocities the bras commit to a person's body is seemingly endless:they're stiff, they rub, they bruise, they itch and are, all in all, a major painin the ... you know where. In the end, what do we receive for our loyal agony?The seams break and the wire jumps out and stabs you. The evil that is theunderwire bra doesn't stop there. They may not actually break while you arewearing them. The wire may choose instead to work loose while in the washingmachine, flying straight toward the motor and causing several hundred dollarsworth of damage.

What does all this have to do with a diabolical plot totake over the world? It's a simple truth that many people - especially washingmachine repairmen - don't want you to know. While the United Nations, NATO andvarious governments of the world are busy bickering over petty things like landmines and oil prices, the real threat is hard at work, driving half the world'spopulation insane. The daily dose of poking, rubbing, itching and bruising isjust a way of demoralizing the female gender and antagonizing intergenderrelations. (The underwire bra was obviously invented by a man.) From there, it'sonly a hop, skip and a jump to open hostilities, and the next thing you know, itwill be World War III.

The enemy is all around us. It's in all the mallsand underwear drawers near you. We may not be able to uninvent the underwire bra,but it is not too late. If we band together, we can stop this insidious evil fromspreading any further. Join with me now! Let us rise up against our underwireoppressors, for the sake of truth, justice and not getting poked in the armpit bysharp metal objects.