I've never been more scared or full of pain any other time in my life than that day. Being the oldest of three younger brothers, at the age of fifteen, with divorced parents and a totally chaotic life at the time, this one particular thing pinched my heart, and grasped at my nervous system more and more with every word I heard at that moment. I've made mistakes before, and I've felt the need to take my life during the roughest times in my life, just as millions of people have. Fortunately, I have been one of the few that has been able to overcome those depressing emotions and 'find the light'. When I heard one of my other brothers on the other line saying that my youngest brother said he was going to go kill himself I knew my mom and I had to get home. I knew that he didn't really know anything about dying, but I just knew he was upset and needed us home. He feels like he's worthless, he feels like no one cares, but the reality of it is that we all truly care.
Everything has been hard for my family, especially the past year; one bad thing after another, it seems never ending. Many people have asked me which of my brothers I get along with the most. My answer has always been, 'well, it depends on the day' but recently, I have found that the one I typically get along with the most is the youngest. Maybe I get along with him the most because he's the baby of the family, or maybe it's because he doesn't understand what is going on. It could possibly be because I see myself in him, at his age my parents first divorced, but nothing had changed. Now is when it changed, less than five years later it has dramatically changed all of the sudden. Maybe I get along with him the most because I remember how it felt when I was that age, but he has health problems, but the doctors aren't 100% sure. Maybe it's because when we figured out his blood pressure has been dangerously high I started to worry, and since I've experienced life changing experiences I understand life and death more than before. Or possibly, it is because I don't think I could be able to handle any more 'bad' in my life right now, and I want him to be happy, and I don't want him to be upset anymore.
I can never forget the time when I took him for a walk and played video games with him, and spent time with him, that night I wrote him a note that said I will love him no matter what and I care about him even though everything is bad right now. It was about midnight, so I put the note next to his pillow, and I remember how excited he was to find it. Later the next night, I was in the kitchen and he was in my mom's room talking to her, and I was on my way to the bathroom when I heard him say, 'Mom, I think Dezzy is sick'. She said, 'No, she's not sick. Why do you think she is sick?' and he said 'Because she is being nice to me and she gave me a note when I was sleeping'. He is still in that, 'ew! yuck, my sister!' stage so when I try to hug him or kiss him he runs or hides.
He is having surgery soon, and he asked my mom if I would be at the surgical center, and if I could stay home from school for a few days after to be with him. My mom responded by saying I would be in the waiting room with her, and that I could stay home with him and my aunt. This procedure is not supposed to be life threatening, but anything could go wrong at any moment. All I can really do is pray, and wait.
My hopes for him are things he may or may not know, but the only thing I want to be sure he knows is that I love him and I always will be here. I hope that he can battle through school without anymore problems. I hope that he understands God the way that I have found. I hope that he finds true friends for life. I hope that he finds a perfect wife. I hope that he follows any dreams he has. I hope that he is able to grow into a man.
Dear baby brother, I know that it's been tough; I know our lives have been rough, but I am always by your side. If you ever need to talk, I am here. I'd love to always play video games and go for walks and buy us some candy bars and a soda. Please don't be sad, there's no need to worry. Live like you are, live like a kid. Love, Your Big Sis.