This is a story based on some of my traumatic moments and regrets in my life. Some of this is true but not all. This was a very emotional time in my life, it was very hard to keep myself alive. While I was writing this, tears were brought to my eyes from the remembrance of these events in this part of my life. This story has some events related to broken hearts/ being broken and some traumatic events that you don’t really think will happen until it happens.
“I loved you, you made me hate me,” leaving me with all these regrets and pain. I thought I wouldn’t have to turn to drugs, but it’s the only thing replacing your love. You call me to tell me you never loved me. That I was only in your life to keep you busy. The tears came pouring down my face, my eyes roll back. I stand up, to punch through my wall but it wasn’t doing enough. I throw myself through the wall collapsing in the next room. I lay there crying and screaming in silence, asking myself “what’s the chance that I will survive? Don’t sugar coat me because I feel like suicide. Just give it to me straight because I’m running out of time. I need an antidote.”
It’s been five months. He’s dating my best friend. He calls me during the school day. No one was paying attention so I answered. He says “I love you, I need you, please come back to me.” Telling me that our last kiss actually meant something to him. I hang up, grab my bag running out of the room, down the hallway into the bathrooms with tears running down my face. I’m scared to leave the bathrooms because I’m crying my eyes out and I can’t stop them from pouring down my face no matter how much I try. My makeups running down my face. I pull out my phone and see myself with black streaks of eye liner and mascara all down my cheeks. My face is red I look down at my wrist realizing that I was scratching my wrist. They were almost bleeding so I stopped. I look back at my reflection and see how ugly I look. Why would anyone want me? I put my ear buds in and take out some pills, I didn’t know what they were but I didn’t care I just wanted the pain to be gone. “I’ve had enough, a voice in my head says I’m better off dead.” I empty the bottle of pills into my hands taking every last one I had. I feel my eyes roll back as the room fades away my phone drops. I passed out for a few hours I wake up I grab my bag and walk out of school going home to shower.
I have blood running down my wrists makeup all over my face smudged together with the blood on my arms. I look at myself in the mirror, “I’m not okay I’m really not okay.” I’m broken and torn apart. My life is a mess. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I get in the shower washing all the blood off then sit at the bottom of the shower, looking up whispering “cut me open and tell me what’s inside. Diagnose me because I can’t keep wondering why and no it’s not a phase because it happens all the time. Because I’m going of frequency, can anyone respond? It’s like an avalanche. I feel myself go under because the weight of its like hands around my neck.” The water runs cold I stay sitting because the water has been cold long enough to make my body numb. I turn off the water sitting wondering how long until I will have feeling back in my body to be able to stand up again. I get dressed and throw myself into my bed, playing my music hoping to drown out the thoughts and voices of these demons. Between each song I hear the wind blowing the branches against my window sounding like knocking, bringing me back to the night that someone tried breaking into my house to get me when I was home alone at night.
I was drawing when I heard pounding on the door “Katie open the door!” it was a really low male’s voice. It’s been almost a year and his voice still plays in my mind when I’m scared or worried. I call my puppies into my room and give them a big hug as the tears of remembrance start running down my face. My teeth are chattering, I’m shaking and twitching uncontrollably. Music is the only thing keeping me close enough to calm. Music saves my life. The things that have happened to me in my past is why I am the way I am now. I’m an outcast because people scare me. I’m worried that if I say something someone doesn’t like, that they will hit me, push me, or yell at me. I’m worried that someone might try to force me into doing the things that I’m not comfortable with and that is not okay in the first place.
These things have happened to me before with people from school. Sometimes during school and others were when I was walking home from school. “ To cure the ache with absence but the whole was still a hole and my mind kept playing tricks on me feeling older everyday took everything I had to not crash and burn.” I wake up after a few hours of sleep. I feel like someone is trying to control me. I don’t feel like myself. I’m scared I start crying. I feel my arm getting forced over to grab a knife. It’s getting forced into my skin I’m trying to hold back but the force is getting to strong for me to stop. Feels like it’s not me that wants me dead anymore. The knife is pushing harder into my veins. The voice keeps telling me that I will be so much happier after I end it. I scream at the top of my lungs. The voice stops. The knife drops. The tears are rapidly pouring down my face. I’m so scared. My parents and brothers run into my room. They all hug me but after a bit my parents say they are going to try to find me some help so I can stay safe. I hear them on the phone with the cops. The ambulance is going to be here soon. I grabbed a bag and starting packing. I know it’s what I need, because I don’t want to end my life, I just want the pain to stop.
What changed my mind from wanting to die was my grandpa. He fought through so much pain and suffering. The last 20 years of his life was filled with pain and suffering. The doctors gave him the chance to have his life end but he didn’t. He fought till his very last breath until the end. He has died many times but on July 10th 2017 was the day he just couldn’t fight anymore. He woke up screaming in so much pain asking god to take the pain away, to just take him that night. Around 5am that morning he was dead. I remember my grandma running over to my house crying. I ran out the door into their house. I see my grandpa lying dead on the living room floor. My grandma crying her eyes out. I burst into tears. He was my best friend we understood each other like no one else could. That was the worst day of my life. That’s the one day I will never forget.
I’ve tried weed, cocaine, “heroine my sweetest sin, I can’t seem to get enough. Pull me under, wake me up, feel the rush morphine lover make me numb make is so I can’t get up.” Soon enough all the drugs and alcohol in my body that my lungs were filled with black tar for smoking. My liver and kidneys gave up. My heart was weak. I heard my grandpa’s voice asking me if I’m ready to come home. The doctors were talking about how I don’t have much time to live. Maybe a few hours. I say yes to my grandpa. The heart monitor stopped. One continuous beep is all that’s heard. I was gone. When it came to it I didn’t want to die, I was just in so much pain that I filled myself with poisons until it was too late to stop.