As my car drifts away from my childhood home, I could feel my heart growing heavier. I didn’t want to leave a place I’d grown up in. Maybe things would’ve ended up differently if we stayed. I wouldn’t be the same person I am today… But would that be a good thing?             

I approached my new home, a massive downgrade to my previous home. Smaller, Taller, and too bright to ever fit my mood. Torrance California, a place full of wonders I wish I could’ve appreciated. I could never feel at home. I tried to make it work, I tried to be happy, and I tried to increase my happiness, and yet none of it worked. For a year I hid my emotions under a smile and of course food. Eating ended up becoming an emotional escape, I started to eat a lot. It was the only way I could truly express my emotions, at least the only way I knew how. There was barely anyone I could truly care about when I lived there aside from a few friends who lived there. I never knew I’d be so happy to finally leave it all behind.             

When I moved to Redwood City, I decided to become a better person. I decided to leave all feelings of sadness in Torrance. Things started to shape up for me. I had finally made friends in a scale I never thought I would. To the point where everyone knew who I was. Though while I finally found happiness, another issue had caught up to me. I had become unhealthy. I was no longer invincible to the wrath of weight gain. It was a plague that severely decreased myself-esteem. I had developed anxiety towards my self-image. I was somebody I didn’t want people to see. Though I thought personality would take me farther, it was clear that I needed to change.

The pain of dealing with my self-image carried over to when I moved again to Georgia. I was no longer at peace with moving to a new place. However, it wasn’t the problem with losing friends, but it was with the concept of moving as a whole. Moving to a new place, having to start from scratch, to me it was the only explanation to my sadness and anger. I could no longer hear “We’re moving” without feeling a sense of dread and despair every time. Though I had friends who could give me joy, I just wanted to stay in one spot, to finally have a constant in my life. I thought I couldn’t improve, I felt myself slowly get swallowed up in my emotions with no obvious escape. I didn’t try anything to change it. It was clear to me that I’d never change.

 My self-esteem was at an all-time low. It was the worst I had ever felt in my life. It was what lead to thoughts that I wish I could forget about. It was always in the back of my mind, what would the world be like if I simply... No longer exist. It went on like this for a while, I was too depressed and stubborn to try and fix myself. I kept telling myself that I was fine, everything was fine. Then a realization hit. Over the past summer I finally decided to see how my health was doing… I was in a spot that I wasn’t happy with. I was disappointed, I was angry, upset to the point where I broke myself out my stubborn attitude. I started to try improving myself, I started to try working out and worked myself out of my depressed state. Somehow, getting the strength to go to the gym, got my self-esteem to a place where I’m somewhat happy with myself. My life has finally started to take a turn for the better, I haven’t looked as I am in many years, and though I’m still not completely happy with myself, but it’s a huge improvement and has made me an attempted better person.