TW: self-harm, bullying, and depression

I remember being young living in our little run-down trailer: me, my sister, my stepdad, and my mom. It is an old memory from several years ago but I distinctly remember the smell of smoke seeping through the walls entering our little noses. The strong smell of mold in the walls though faint we smelled immediately when we walked into our kitchen. We were young then so these things didn’t bother us we ran carefree through the halls. The same couldn’t be said for our mother. She would always have a smile splayed on her face though we all felt the same as she had for the state of our home. We could see it when she went smoked, walked around the house, or when we mentioned it but most of all when people came over. She didn’t want anyone to come over due to this which annoyed me but I now understand why she felt personally responsible and like she was being judged. Though there was an exception to this Halee: she was allowed over whenever she felt like she would walk through a thorny gate and I and my sister would eagerly wait for her looking through our window.

Shoving for room on Zuri's bed then the second she came in we would pretend to not care so as to not look desperate. Halee my half-cousin, best friend, only friend. I knew her all my life we became friends mainly due to our homes being right next to each other. She looked out for me but wasn’t very kind. “get up haha you look so stupid”, “you’re overreacting”, “I’m not mean I’m just honest and your emotional” I hear these things constantly.  I wonder if id still is her friend if she wasn’t all I had- I’m sure I would just because of all the time I’ve been with her.

 I relied on her being there for me through thick and thin but she moved on-evolved when we reached the playground of new faces she jumped at the chance of finding a new friend or two. I tried to do the same we went separate directions and ran up to people asking to be friends though her endeavors paid off while mine not so much. Everyone loved her she made friends right off the bat with everyone while I was left she still spoke to me occasionally but no longer

had much time for me.  I would sit in the grass sigh heavily and look overhead at the clouds passing the scent of freshly cut grass and sweat. The wind blowing on my face cooled me while the sun beat down on my pale little face.  

Getting asked to get up and play with one of my friends by PE teachers and explaining I only had one that was busy. Being forced to ask if I could join Haley and It being clear no one but her was willing to let me join.  All of these things are so vivid but my middle and high school years are even more so. Walking over to the lunch tables asking for people's leftovers since my food often spoiled in the heat. Though I didn’t want to trouble my mother with anything. Having to try and sit down and people saying that I’m weird and telling me to sit somewhere else putting their backpacks in the seat next to them. Then I'd end up sitting alone at the very end of the 70-seat long lunch table eating oranges despite my acid reflux. Choking back tears from a chronic migraine I had from school life used to be a constant thing for me then I started being called a crybaby. I adapted I no longer cried even when I was suffering I stopped trying to make friends I was done with everyone judging and hating me without me having done anything to them.  While Halee sat smiling having everything I wanted social skills friends and carefree joy. My inability to make friends made me doubt and hate myself more than any bullies thrown at me. It felt as though I had been a mistake for me to be so completely unlucky.

Getting thrown at lockers, getting Indian burns, verbal abuse all of these things were bad but nothing compared to the lying. “what is wrong with you haven’t you ate enough” aw I hurt you little feeling gonna cry about it like always?” the teachers ask apathetically did you say that? “what no of course not she always lies didn’t you know that?” they’d say. Teachers would respond “no one likes a tattletale get over it or don’t lie” “I’m not dealing with this right now” “stop trying to be the victim”. Even the teachers would be against me the only thing that kept me sane was the rewards they were simple and just. An A+, honor roll, an award, or, a certificate I could achieve these things, and I would get at least some praise for my achievements. I thought If I just kept my attention on success then id get through it but I began to long to find someone like me an outcast without options then they might accept me.

 Angelina my first friend/real friend that wasn’t Halee I adored her I wanted to always stay with her she was so important to me. Everything was perfect till the following school year she changed she lost the light in her eyes “Angelina are you ok how was your summer” I’d plea “WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE! THAT’S SO PATHETIC IM YOURE ONLY FRIEND!! I don’t even like you!” she replied. Things just got worse she kept spiraling down getting worse and worse. She would jump from person to person having flings dating anyone she saw “are you ok? This seems like a little much do you want to talk?” id ask again “YOU THINK IM JUST LOOKING FOR ATTENTION!!! I can’t believe this I thought you were my friend!”. She started

self-harming I only knew since I caught her in the act behind the bleacher’s tears pouring from my face I begged her to stop “PLEASE I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU BUT YOU'RE MY ONLY FRIEND I CAN’T LOSE YOU WE CAN WORK THROUGH THIS!!!”

. She went on cutting I saw the blood fall on her lap I grabbed her and squeezed her in a bear hug she yelled telling me to let go but I couldn’t let it go on. In the end, she threatened to hurt me and then kill herself it was too much for me I didn’t want to but I told her I can’t do this anymore being her friend hurt me so much. Though she wasn’t the only person who hurt me that way I had other people I cared for threaten and manipulate me. I didn’t leave them since they were all I had and I thought they’d know what was ok and not ok to be said. I blindly trusted and supported them since they were my friends.

 Due to this, I switched to online school. All of the stress was making me severely depressed and had a lasting effect on me. I recall when I was young so young I went to playgrounds still innocent and full of untainted joy. I met a little girl we chatted and played and she told me to look at her she showed me a rather large lump on her chest and said it was her heart. This terrified me so I ran from her I now realize she had a pacemaker that child had to have been through a lot and I shunned her without knowing her and her story. It made me feel so guilty it feels like all the bullying I had was karma to make me understand children are cruel and all they know is what they're taught.

 They don’t have true free will and people change it would be irrational for me to continue hating people who hurt me so long ago. Nonetheless, I do, and denying that only does me harm. I’ve been through many traumatic experiences and I know others have it worse but telling me that only serves to make me feel selfish. I had some good influences though my father and my gifted teacher ms champ neither seem to truly understand the difference they made for me.

 I will begin with ms charlie she was the first teacher who was truly understanding, kind, and patient with me. She undid much of my brick and mortar school anxiety she taught me things I had a true interest in and made me open up to my fellow students more. “Ella, I know you probably don’t want to but we would love to hear your beautiful voice!” she would say and I did get on the mic and respond to her it was very difficult leaving her class when she was such a great influence and the one person who could make me look forward to school.

Then there is my father I remember one particular conversation that stayed with me and demonstrates how he shaped my viewpoints. “daddy who is the bad guy I understand both I’m confused?” he calmly explained that sometimes there is no bad guy and that the world isn’t always black and white it's complicated and that’s why it's so important to consider other people’s side”. We often have discussions about morality and just in general difficult topics. He is an amazing parent and he is responsible for many of the things that make me who I am. My life has been very bittersweet but I hang on for others and for the hope of change. Though I still often have depression/anxiety making life feel hopeless. Life has ups and downs and all I can do is hope because I’m not ready to give up.