There is a not-so-grand story that leads up to this exact moment in my life that I think needs telling. This story is the tale of my childhood. The only reason anyone would call it that though is because I was a child. My mom had a boyfriend, they had my older sister, Jessie. Then she got with my biological father, Adam. She had two kids with Adam, me, and my brother, Nick. A little while before Nick was born we lived in a small apartment in Springfield. After Nick was born we moved to Greenfield. By the time Jessie entered kindergarten, we’d moved to a place outside of Everton and Miller, Missouri. That was a great part of my life. We had horses and lots of dogs. My dog was Wimpy and he made me so happy. I didn’t know things could be as bad as they were. I was just a naive little kid. At some point, my mom moved out because my dad was abusing her. She wanted to get off the drugs she was on. She didn’t care what was going to happen to us.  We suffered from the terrible ways of our father while she went and lived with her boyfriend Thomas. She never called or came to see us. She just packed her stuff up and left us with him. I didn’t know what to think. I loved both of my parents. 

A little after she moved out, my uncle Travis moved in because he had just gotten a divorce. He was a great person. I don’t remember a lot about that time. All I knew was my dad drank a lot. We had a little secret that I couldn’t tell anyone. Now, I know he had the same secret as my sister, and I should have told someone. My dad and I always stayed up late and watched movies together. I don’t remember what happened after we watched the movie, but after every movie night, he told me I could not tell anyone or he could get in trouble. I didn’t know what to think of him doing that. I didn’t know anything. My mind was lost in life. In the awful people I was surrounded by. I knew nothing yet I knew everything. For my entire life, he made my mom seem like the bad guy. To be fair she did leave three innocent children with an awful man for a guy named Thomas but still. He told me that if he got in trouble we would have to live with our mom. He should have just left me alone, he should have left everyone alone. We didn’t eat a lot until my grandma and grandpa moved into an RV by our house. She would make us Kraft Mac & Cheese every day. That doesn’t sound appetizing to a lot of people but it was food, and when you don’t get to eat a lot it is like heaven on earth. I remember the day we kicked Travis out. I knew I would miss him because he was always important to me. Well, I’m ninety-nine percent sure he was just moving in with his mom but my dad had brought a lady named Kira in the week or so after. She wasn’t the best person but she wasn’t terrible. She had two sons. The boys would do nothing around the house and they would mess up everything. Once, my sister got a guitar from one of our family members who has long passed and the older boy tried to break it. He slammed it down on the porch and made Jessie cry. My dad got tired of all of it so Kira and her two little demons moved out.

Then we went to Shelton, Nebraska. My dad wanted to move to get away from my mom. It was illegal but it didn’t matter to him. Nothing mattered to him. My dad married a lady named Destiny. She had four kids at that time, two girls and two boys, but the two boys weren’t allowed to live with her. The girls were very young, one was a 2-year-old, Day-day is what we called her. And the other one was a baby. The boys lived with her parents. She wasn’t a great step-mom. She would leave us to take care of ourselves when our dad was out being a truck driver. She’d stay in her room and do drugs all day. The only time she ever cooked real food was when he came home. One night my dad came home earlier than he was supposed to. He’d missed my birthday which was six days before. He sat us down and told us our uncle Travis had killed himself. The words hit us all like a wrecking ball. We all cried. Even my dad cried. He decided to let us go to the funeral. We stayed with some of their friends while we were in Missouri. One guy’s name was Red. He taught us how to play a game called “Mr. Fox” to keep us distracted from the way our dad was acting. Our dad would act like there was nothing wrong. He was all jumpy and always had energy. It was like Travis didn’t die. But I guess that is truly what drugs do to you. 

When we got to the place where the funeral service was happening we couldn’t go in for two minutes because my dad didn’t want to see my mom. I saw my mom walk out. When I finally got to go inside. Everyone was crying. My cousin Hailey was crying. I hated her crying because she was always my role model. They put on songs that I now hear and think of the way Travis took care of us. After the services, I got to talk to my family while my parents went out to the car. We stayed with Red and his family for a while longer. We drove to Destiny’s mom's house to see her sons. We stayed for an hour before we had to leave because Destiny and her mom got into a huge fight. The boys were so nice. We drove back to Nebraska with two angry parents and two small, loud babies.

When we went back to Nebraska we rarely saw anyone. Destiny was worse than before. She was always sleeping and never took care of us kids. When our dad did come home, they would just take her kids to their room and have their own perfect little family, until All of this time my sister took care of me and Nick. One night on Jessie’s birthday, my dad and his wife got into a huge fight. They were throwing glass bottles and other things. The cops showed up and talked to us. It was like three in the morning. He went to a jail in the area. We moved in with a neighbor. Her name was Sam. We couldn’t take any of our stuff with us. I had a toy minion that made me smile and I couldn’t get it. It was my safe place. Anytime my parents fought I would hold the minion and it would make me feel better. Sam took care of us until my Uncle Mark came and picked us up from her house. We drove down to the jail and Mark talked to my dad. Turns out my dad and Destiny had a kid together. Which by no means is surprising anymore. 

This was when we moved to Fair Play, Missouri. We lived with our uncle for the rest of that school year. Not much happened. On Christmas, Mark said, Jessie, Nick, and I all had a surprise outside and our dad was there. I was so happy. It’s odd to think about now. I got an Olaf blanket that night. It had a hood on it. I have loved and cherished that thing since then. After Mark and my dad got in a fight over the way my dad took care of us, my dad moved to an apartment in Springfield. One day he had me come over. I went there because I felt bad that neither Jessie nor Nick would see him. In the morning we got a very terrible breakfast from Burger King. I can’t remember what we did that day until about 3 or 4 p.m.

He called a Yellow Cab and took us to the circus. We had to stand in line for around twenty minutes until we got to the entry gate. After that, I got to ride an elephant and I was sitting at the front. It was so weird for me. After that, we sat up in the seats. The show was at least an hour and a half long. A guy was selling stuffed tigers like the ones they used in some of the acts. I got one that was a foot and a half head to tail. It cost $20. I named it Tigy like any other sensible 7-year-old. When the big show was over I got tiger face paint to match my tiger. Then I got a picture with the people dressed up as Elsa and Anna from Frozen. My dad said I couldn’t get a picture with Spider-Man because he was too boyish. We went back home. He had us walk to a place called Brown Derby. There were a bunch of weirdos there. I don’t remember anything else about that night. The next day he took me to a craft store near the apartment. According to my mother, it’s called repressed memories when I can’t remember certain things normal people remember. There are good reasons for my mind to not want to remember those things. 

On the last day of school, my dad picked us up from school. All of our stuff was in his car. We drove to a cul de sac in Battlefield, Missouri. We stopped at a cute small house. That was the first time I met Amber and Cameron. My dad said Amber was his girlfriend. Cameron was Amber’s only kid. Cameron was a spoiled brat who got everything he wanted. That was until my dad and Amber started using all of their money on gaming for my dad and drugs for them both. We spent most of that summer in the Springfield Boys and Girls Club. It was terrible, although we got to swim every day. We had to go to a bunch of different classes throughout the day. We would get snacks from a vending machine and go outside. We had a writing class, a typing class, and a dance/music class. We had a lot of free time in the REC room. There were pool tables and foosball tables.  I never really enjoyed that place. I also didn’t enjoy life all that much because I rarely got to see my dad because of his job and when he was home he and Amber would fight all night. After that summer we started going to school in the Republic. We went to the Machola district. There are eight schools in the republic from preschool to high school. The school was huge. In second grade, I had twenty-two kids in my class. There were three other second-grade classes. That means about eighty kids in second grade at one of the districts. We would have a class time where two classes would be with each other. Those two classes would do activities together. I met lots of new people. I knew a kid named Grey and he was my best friend. I don’t remember a lot from that year at school but I remember a few things. We had to do spelling tests and I suck at spelling. We had weird seating arrangements. One person got to sit behind a board where the teacher could see them. I used that seat to my advantage and I cheated on one spelling test. I felt awful so I never did it again.

I hated the summer after that. My dad took my sister on a trip to the southern states. They went through Arkansas, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California, Nevada, Utah, Colorado, and Kansas. I thought it was so unfair that she got to go and I was stuck at the house with Amber, Nick, and Cameron. We didn’t do anything the entire time. Nick and Cameron went camping with Cameron's dad, Dale. When Dad and Jessie got home Amber and Dad got married. The wedding wasn’t big. It was so pretty though. There were fairy lights all over the back porch. 

When we went back to school in third grade the classes were mixed up. I didn’t know anyone. There were two kids in my class who rode the bus with me though. Zeke and Adain. I was friends with them both. I also had two other friends that I sat with at lunch because we had assigned seats. One of them was Evan and the other was Max. Evan was blonde and very smart. Max was a brunette and kind of dumb. According to Evan, Max liked me. I always doubted that until Valentine's Day. He gave me a card that had a heart between two dashes as the signature. It was so funny. That entire year was good at school. Although my teacher hated me. You can’t talk quietly even if everyone at your table is done. I had to stand close to the back of the line. We had numbers because keeping track of twenty-five kids in a line is quite the task if you ask me. I was number twenty-four and Adain was twenty-five. I loved being at the back of the line because the teacher always stood at the front. I could never understand why kids like being the line leader.

In the middle of my third-grade year, my dad started working at a feed place. He would leave early in the morning and come back late at night. He slept through the weekends. It was a very rare occasion when he got to see us. Amber was giving all the other kids attention. I was always by myself. Nobody cared except for Jessie. She always took care of me. I got tired of everything going on and being alone so one day I ran away. Not only because I never got attention, but also because my parents were fighting constantly. I just packed some clothes and started walking. I wanted to reach the forest. For what I still don't know but I was going to get there. Then a policeman stopped me. He said they wanted me back home. I almost kept walking when he drove off then I decided to turn around. When I was about 2 miles away from the house the policeman picked me up and took me home. When I got home nobody checked in on me. I was just sent to my room to wait till my dad got up. I got yelled at for an entire hour. I didn’t care about it anyway. I would just tune everyone out. There was one downfall though. I didn’t get to watch TV for a month. 

On a tiring Wednesday, I got picked up early during school in third grade. I was having a bad day at school because my friend and I got into a huge fight over something he did, but that part is another story for another time. My parents had fought the night before so I thought it was just going to be the standard “We fought so you clean it up”. Still, I was so happy to leave school, but little did I know how fast that feeling would leave. My step-grandma, Gigi, picked me and my siblings up. We drove to the Mercy Hospital in Springfield. When we got to the hospital we sat in the waiting room for three long, stressful hours. I was a little worried. My sister and I played on her phone while my brother played with the little toys in the room. I remember there being a bunch of sick people lying in hospital beds. Most of them were old people. I didn’t feel bad for them though. I felt like they had it coming. They all looked like life smokers. I felt like they knew it was coming. The nurses looked extremely tired. I felt sick to my stomach. My Gigi decided we needed something to eat and drink so we went to the vending machine. I got a very nasty Bubly that burned my lips, and I got some cookies. My stepmom, Amber, walked out with a cast on her arm. She looked like she’d been crying for hours. I thought that it was stupid we had to wait that long for a broken arm but at that time I didn’t know she had a lot more things that needed to be checked. When she got closer she looked sick. She was so pale, almost gray. I didn’t see her that morning so I had no clue what had happened. The night before I heard a lot. They fought for hours. They screamed and yelled. I got no sleep at all. The living room was like a D-Day round two. Words were firing like bullets. 

Amber and her mom talked for thirty minutes until we returned to the car and drove to James River Baptist Church. We sat through a sermon. It was very, very loud. People were yelling, children were screaming, and the speakers on the stage were giant. Everything there was so extra. It made me feel like they were trying to create something that could never be real on earth, complete happiness. No sadness at all. There were flashing lights all over the ceiling. Whoever had that idea was crazy. Lights are not great for focus.  I don’t remember the topic but I remember the guy who was talking.  Remember him being a brunette wearing a red flannel and blue jeans. In the end, I played games like corn-hole and mini pool with some other kids from that church until we drove to our grandma's house. When we got there my step-mom told us that our dad was in jail and we would move in with our real mom. Then we went to pick up our stepbrother from his dad’s house. I hung out with some kid on a bunk bed in their house. We went back to our house and packed our stuff up. 

We didn't get the choice to see our dad in jail like we did the first time he went to jail when we were alive so I was mad. At that time my father was still my favorite person on earth, now I believe the world would be a much, much better place without him. What I didn't understand was why he went to jail. My mom and step-mom knew but me, my sister, and my brother were all oblivious. I later found out he went to jail for assault with a deadly weapon. This was the charge because he hit Amber with a baseball bat. We took what we could fit in the car and went to my mom's house in Greenfield. My mom’s husband, Ethan, was with us on the way home. I’d never met him before because my dad never let me go to my mom's house but my siblings knew him. He was about six feet tall and had a very receding hairline with a brown, scruffy beard. He was quiet at first but then he and mom started telling us about the room situation. As always, I had to share a room with my sister. 

When we got to the house it was about 11:00 p.m.. My mom had us head to bed. I could barely sleep that night. The next day we went to the school and checked in. While we were sitting by the front office a girl my age walked by. Her name was Addi. She was tan with dark brown hair. Her mom was one of the fifth-grade teachers at that time. She was super nice to me. She went to the nurse's office to get some medicine for a headache. After we got signed up we went to our old house to pick up the rest of our stuff. That was the last time I saw two of my favorite dogs. One was my stepmom's dog, Kia. She got her name because when Amber got her she threw up in her car, which was a Kia. The other dog was my dad's dog, Athena. She was gorgeous. I hated her so much though. One night, it was just me and my dad at the house so I went outside and Athena bit me. The next day I had a huge bite mark on me. To this day I have no idea whatever happened to those dogs. That was the day that Amber left the house. She and her son Cameron moved into Gigi’s house. After we went back home we had to put everything up. I was distraught when we got there because I hadn’t been to their house for almost an entire year. They picked out everything for me. I don’t remember everything they got me but I hated most. I never realized till now they were trying to be nice.

My dad stayed in jail for nineteen months. He got out sometime during my fourth-grade year I believe. He rarely came to see us for about six months. Whenever he came to see us he looked awful and skinny. I didn’t understand at that point that he was on methamphetamines. He had been on them since he was sixteen and started smoking at age twelve. He was always getting moved around but usually stayed with family. I think there is no excuse for getting on drugs and hurting people the way he did. No matter how bad life gets you shouldn’t go to drugs. Go to a professional, not something you buy from a guy on the side of the road. 

One weekend I went to stay at my dad's house which was when he was staying at our grandpa's house. He took me to a hairstyle shop but not for a haircut. He had a girlfriend. We went to hang out with her for a while. Her name was Misty. They knew each other from high school. He asked what I wanted to do that night so I picked to go watch a movie. I picked the real version of Pinocchio that sucked. The day after we went to meet her parents. Misty’s mom's name was Tammy and she had cancer. Tammy’s husband's name was Rusty. They had an adorable dog. Her name was Baby Girl. She was a black lab mixed with a pug. We stayed there for about thirty minutes. Then we went back to the house. I hung out with my dad and Misty a lot. After he and Misty couldn’t find anywhere else to live they lived with Tammy and Rusty. We would go over there every other weekend. I hated it there. Their house was never clean. I also found out that I could not trust Rusty. My dad brought home a Catahoula and named her M&M. She had a litter of puppies and they were all so cute. My mom said we couldn’t have one. After Misty got put in jail, My dad and Tammy would fight every day. I hated going over there but I felt bad for my dad. He always expected me to be the one to take care of him. Like, my sister would cook him food but I had to hang out with him. Even if Tammy and Dad would be nice to us sometimes. Other times she would go off if we ate something we weren’t supposed to. They stayed together up until the last I heard from them, which was about a year ago. Misty wanted kids but couldn’t have them. Misty was a great person though.

When I was about to go into 7th grade at Dadeville, my dad had taken my sister's phone because she had a boyfriend. I found a bunch of stuff and then I started remembering things he had done. He called us the day before school started. We fought for hours. My mom was on the phone with the cop the whole time. They said that they couldn't do anything about it though. Every time he said something to my sister I told him to shut up. I don’t know what was happening in my mind, but I wanted him gone. It didn’t click till after he called again that I didn’t want him in my life anymore. I left the room while he tried to apologize to Nick and Jessie. He treated my mom and said he was going to come get us. I thought he would always be my dad. I thought he was the greatest for the longest time. We were scared he would come to the house and try to take us with him. My mom and her husband would fight nonstop until he finally left. I knew they were having problems anyway. He has attempted to connect with us a few times in the past few years. The last time he tried was my brother's birthday. As far as we know, and as far as I care, he is living somewhere in Springfield, high on drugs. I have heard of people seeing him more often. Sometimes I think about it and remember that I was always there for him. I will cry if I think about it too hard. I sometimes regret my distinction but then I remember that there are better people that want to take care of me. There were too many times when I fought my mom's boyfriend's off because he wasn't my dad. I regret that now. I feel like if I hadn’t pushed certain people away my mom would have been happier. There’s a lot more to my dad than I know. He’s not doing so well but that doesn’t matter to me anymore. My mom has been doing her best to take care of me and my siblings. Our little family is much more settled now.