You know how sometimes life throws up all over you and you're kind of left suffocating without being given the chance to find help from others. I guess because no one else can understand, or privacy matters. I guess.
I guess it happens when it's not just a bad day, but a bad week or a bad month and it doesn't even have to be monumental. Like the smallest things.
I just feel so old. Last year, I was already afraid of David turning 18. I guess everyone looks forward to turning that age, but I just don't. Now that he's 18, he's not a child. He's not the 4 year old who hit me for getting more attention than he did. He's not the 6 year old who made me pretend to be one of those badly designed villains from Power Rangers so he could kick my butt. Not the 8 year old who I played stick wars with in the middle of the woods. Not the 14 year old who decided he should be mean to be popular. He's just David. Who turned 18. And I feel like I can't play with him like we used to do. When we had our deep insightful elementary conversations in the middle of the night while tossing my beanie baby rooster back and forth.
Like we just can't be kids again. And I don't think anyone is really out there who wants to be a kid again. So many people don't want to play red light green light, tag, red rover, hide and seek. Or run around outside and fall into the grass. Running through the sprinklers, playing imaginary football, finding amazing shortcuts that go through the woods in the back. Building that fort made out of pillows and blankets in the middle of the playroom, climbing trees, playing by the bridge over the creek, tying bikes to cars and see how far you can go before crashing. Everyone just has to know who's going to be there, where's it going to be, if it's completely lame or not, when it'll be, and worry about these things that I don't understand why they have to know. Who cares if you don't know anyone - you can make new friends. Who cares about what it is you're doing; I'll stop doing whatever I'm doing if it means spending time with someone. It would be so much easier if everyone stopped judging each other, distrusting each other, and didn't have to overthink and just do.
And maybe two years from now, I'll be the same. Maybe I'll stop wanting to do these things. Maybe I'll be that person that says no to running down the street and back just to feel the rush.
Maybe I'll be the person who would rather sit and talk about overdramatic problems instead of rolling down hills. The person who would rather go to the movies over kiteflying and picniking. And maybe I'm already that person.
But who wants to be a kid forever