You can always tell how someone’s feeling by the way they carry themselves and the expressions on their face. Tell me, what did you see when you looked at me?

I felt a lot more than you could see. They brought me to you around four o’clock that afternoon of January 2006. When I first saw you your unconsciousness affected me to. I sat along your bedside until I was asked to leave you at eight o’clock nightly, and in the night I sat in the waiting room wondering what was in store next. I remember you once telling me that life should be peaceful, happy, and calm, but now in your soul boiled your uprising disease. An addiction which meant your life was no longer what you’d want it to be. You told me once that I was the reason that your life was never the same. But I refuse to believe you and your selfish ways.

Did you ever care to look at my life? Did you ever feel bad that you brought me down with you? Every time I looked at you, I stood tall with my heart broken memories of your dark and hollow path that led you here, and now you replay your life wishing you could change it the slightest bit. Do you remember that day that you pressured me to walk in the footsteps that you left on your own road? All those times I reminded you of our old family, the old you, all the times I tried to change your ways I take back, because you are your own savoir, and if you ever decide to quit your humble ways then good for you.

Every time I had to sit down and here another mistake you made my heart felt like it had been ripped away from my chest. Every time I fought for forgiveness you fought me until my angry energy turned to weakness. Every time I ran from the truth I really ran from the demon inside you. After the machine that breathed for you, and kept you alive, they found a way to get all of the alcohol out of your system, you were finally stable. And although the whole family was happy, I thought that the bed that you’re laying on has held innocent people without a heartbeat. And you, who held the bottles of whiskey, had survived, and at that point I wondered what I’d do without you? What would my life be like from now on? But know I look at my thoughts and realize that this was only the beginning. Your second chance at life you took for granted. When you got airlifted to Boston I wondered what your a**h*** friends were doing, or did the whiskey already take over their bodies in the classroom that you were supposed to be sitting in? I wondered what our mother said to your principal on the phone, or did her tears ask if you were still alive? I don’t know if you saw the loneliness and emptiness in my eyes, but I always noticed your bloodshot, glazed eyes and your unstable body stumbling on every footstep you took. My depression took over me, just like you had always wanted, and I began to fall, and eventually I never stood up to you. All those things you blamed me for I started to believe and from then on whenever you pressured me to try the things you have done, I did.

I always wanted our old relationship back, my best friend, you. So when I look at us now, nothing has changed. This story has no happy ending.
But I wonder what would have happened if you ever loved me.