2/18/2009
8:30 pm

Hey Grandpa,

Why did you leave me? You I miss you beyond belief… especially right now. I need you more than anyone. School is stressing me out and I’m not sure what to do. I love this one boy… I know I do and he knows I do too but he has a girlfriend. He says he’d do anything for me but I’m not sure if that’s true. I was hoping for some advise but no one’s there to give it to me. Dad would flip out and mom has become really moody lately, and it’s one of Trevor’s friends so I can’t ask him. Trevor and I have become really close lately though. He wants to go into the Air National Guard in December for 6 weeks basic training. I don’t want him to go. He means to much to me to let him go. What if he gets hurt or something. Not to mention if he gets sent over to Iraq I couldn’t live then… Honestly I’m surprised I’ve made it this far. I have tried suicide before but I always have to stop when I think of you and my Grandma Elaine. I love you guys to much to do that right now. Plus that one boy has stopped me many times. I’ve cried many silent tears though that no one will ever know about. I just can’t take it sometimes. I wish I could but it just gets hard. Sadly enough there is really only 4 people I know I can/could truly count on and one of them left me. Thanks. The other 3 are that boy and my best friend Casey Reeves, and my brother. I can’t even trust me parents anymore. They talk to much. But really I know I’m not the ideal daughter they would like to have. I hang out with the older guys to much. They are all Trevor’s friends. And they all are like my big brothers. If I get into trouble I could call maybe one or two of them to come help me. Honestly Trevor is one of my two heroes. Him and you. I need you so much. So far tonight I have only cried once. Again silent tears no one will know about. Again I miss you more then you probably ever thought possible. Oh and I know Trev did a power point on you in his English speech. He said people told him it was really good. And if it was over you, it had to be. I thought of you the other day, and the Christmas you gave me my little green saddle. We found it and I cleaned it up. I really miss you right now. I’ve started crying again for a second. And it doesn’t help that I have slow depressing music on. I just need you right now. I don’t know what I would do if I never met you. I have got me out of a lot of trouble. And I know you’ve got me into some too but mostly out of it. Have you been watching me at all? I think you have because my sense of strength and right vs. wrong has gotten better. I miss you so much. I wish you hadn’t left me so early on but I understand why God called you up. I just wish I could see you again… And hug you and be with you for a few more decades. So PLEASE don’t forget me, please don’t. I wouldn’t be here if you did but still please don’t. You don’t understand how much you meant to me. I love you so much. And I need you every day. Just know that. Remember that.
I Love you,