I'm afraid I'll never go to sleep again.
Well not in the near future.
And when I do, I know I'll drift of thinking of you.
And that scares me too.
I don't want to be so dependent. I don't want to be glued to my phone, willing you to remember my existence. To shoot me a misspelled, butchered text. I don't want to dream up wonderful plans that will never pan out. You have an awful track record, my friend. You'll never be dependable. Always just a possibly, never ever a definitely.
Is this what my life will be like? Strung along like a dumb love sick little girl? I don't want it to be, but things don't ever really turn out the way I want it to be. You sure didn't. I'm always left raw and kicked in the gut. Maybe I bring it upon myself. No, I definitely bring it upon myself. I can swear up and down to friends, to myself, that I'd never let this happen again. Next time I'd be strong. Next time I won't get dicked around or hurt. Best laid plans, right?
My friends don't like you. Clearly neither should I. Why did I ever like you? Am I not as logical as I believe I am? Why in the world would you, an adult with a life and a job and a rented house, like me? A newly high school graduate with faint traces of acne and a perpetual case of word vomit? So how did I let myself get here? A little too much hope. Too little common sense. The usual.
I can't wait for school to start, so I can be distracted. Maybe this year I'll throw myself into work, fall in love with college. All to take my mind off of you. A boy I've never been able to figure out.
Well goodbye.
I guess.
I hope.
But, let's be honest. Not really.