This is the story of how I became too attached to something I won’t fully obtain. It’s not a pitiful love story, or a sob story. It’s more of something I hope, wish, and want to happen. You know what I mean? Something you can’t have, but you’d do anything to get it. Something you aren’t allowed to hold, but you want to cling on to it forever. Something you wish will happen, but it most likely won’t come true. This is the story of my unfulfilled life.

To be honest, I don’t know what type of writing this is. English teachers might call it an essay, or a first person story. Well, it’s more than that; it’s not an essay, or some assignment to turn in for points. In my mind, my life, it’s me. “Me,” sounds pretty conceited right? Well, for once, I will be selfish. My whole life I’ve been trying to make everyone else happy. The only way I can escape from that habit, is in my writing, my art. And I can make it so that you might not believe me, or you just might. Who knows?

I don’t know when it started, but I’ve been feeling déjà vu lately. I feel like I’ve experienced everything already, drugs, school, even marriage. And I thought I was happy, but turns out I’m not. How are people so happy? Why are they so happy? What’s their secret? My mom told me, “They don’t hold grudges, but they don’t forgive so easily. They simply don’t let things get to them.” That’s also my problem, I’m too sensitive. I’m too serious. I guess the thing I can’t have, is happiness, but I’d do anything to get it, experience it. Not halfheartedly, but fully.

Everyone has had at least one relationship, if not then that’s okay, no rush. Truthfully, I’m very needy when it comes to my boyfriend and me. I want him to talk to me all the time, hang out with me all the time, and just be with me forever. We all know that most relationships don’t last forever, but I really thought that he and I would. I ended it. It wasn’t exciting anymore; there were too many issues with his parents especially his dad. His dad didn’t like me because of my religion, which is stupid, but if I wanted to stay with his son, I would have to deal with it. We were so happy together, we barely fought. One day, I just woke up feeling single again. The whole day we didn’t talk, later that night I called him and I ended it. I don’t know what reaction I was going to get, but it wasn’t the one I wanted. To be honest, I wanted him to fight for me and tell me, “I don’t want to break up. I promise I won’t ever hurt you.” In reality, all he said was, “Why?” And he told me that my reason wasn’t a reason and then hung up. I wanted to cling on to him, I wanted him to hold on to us, but I guess we weren’t strong enough to.

When my parents got divorced, everything went okay for the first couple years. And then I found out all of these secrets kept. My dad went to Taiwan and got married. I found out through a PowerPoint he was making for his wife that I have never met before. I didn’t even know he was dating anyone. My mom got a boyfriend too. I remember she would go out late at night on some of the weekdays and some weekends dressed up nicely. I’d ask, “Where are you going?” She’d say, “For a drive.” I should’ve known that she dressed up nicely because she was going on a date, but I guess I liked to think that my mom was single; same with my dad. Later, my sisters and I met her boyfriend. While we were in summer camp, I guess he moved in. Pretty fast, huh? My dad came back from Taiwan, with a wedding ring, and a woman. “Girls, this is my wife,” he said. He just dropped the bomb on us. I’m not so disappointed in them for not telling me, but just keeping it a secret you know? I never thought that it’d happen so fast. I wish my parents weren’t so secretive, but that ship has sailed, far, far away from me. A lot of wishes just don’t come true.

I wouldn’t call my life a sad one, but a thoroughly experienced one. I’ve experienced almost every emotion I can think of and every scenario, except death. As I told you before, this story isn’t about love, or feeling pity towards me. I’ve wanted to hold on to my wishes, my love, and my happiness, but as I said, “This is the story of how I became too attached to something I won’t fully obtain.”