We stared at each other too long to be just friends. Had I known the outcome, of this relationship, I would’ve never looked at all. When I thought about my first heartbreak I thought it would be something cliche that you saw in the movies and sitcoms, you know where both people are equally heartbroken, but later realize that they love each other. But, now that I look back, I don’t think I could ever love him.
It started off as innocent and friendly, but it grew each and everyday it grew into something more. I would get so excited when his name popped up on my phone screen. He said the sweetest things, and now that I look back on it, I recoil and push the thoughts away. I still look back at the good times because sometimes I wish I could relive those days. I remember this day perfectly, it’s etched into my brain like the words to my favorite song. I remember how he smelled and how he looked at me with this little gleam in his eye. It was about 7 o’clock on a rainy Monday in July. He just got off work, and called me.
“Hey I’m about five minutes away from your house to scoop you up so be ready.”
“What?! No I haven’t showered gimme twenty.” I shouted frantically climbing 2 stairs at a time.
“Always late,” he chuckled softly.
“Shut up.”
“Never!”
“I’ll see you soon.” I whispered.
I hung up and got in the shower, and scrubbed every inch of my body. I’ve never showered so fast in my life. After I dried off I opened my bathroom door and the steam poured out and quickly slathered the mirrors. I glanced at the clock and realized I had ten minutes. Guess that shower wasn’t so short after all. I get a text saying “come out”. Um, wait, he’s early.
“No I have ten minutes.” I replied and quickly started drying my hair.
*ding*
“Come on I’m sure you look perfect let’s go”
I reread it about 4 times before it actually sunk in. I looked at my face in the mirror. Nothing bad, but nothing special; Dewy skin and rosy red cheeks tinted my otherwise pale complexion. My eyes looked bluer than usual and my lips looked swollen. I decided that this was good enough. Make up was overrated, and I never quite figured out how to put it on without looking orange. Natural in my opinion was always best. I threw on an old Sublime t-shirt and some denim cutoffs. Just as I was about to leave, I looked down at my feet. Cr*p I need shoes. I stuck on my Vans that had too many holes and stains from mosh-pits. Finally, ready to go. I see his Jeep parked in my driveway and I climb inside.
“You smell good, glad the extra time I gave you didn’t get wasted.” he smirked at me.
“Wow how generous of you.” I matched his smirk but added a scowl of my own.
“Aw don’t give me that look,” he put his hand over his heart as if wounded.
I laughed and playfully shoved his arm. I was so happy. Theres no other place I’d Rather be. I glanced over at him as he’s driving. He’s so calm.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I-I- I I’m not looking at you.” Wow I didn’t even believe myself. I know I’m blushing so I turn to face the window trying not to be embarrassed.
“Hey I didn’t mean to make you embarrassed, I think it’s cute.”
“Great” I mumbled.
“So this isn’t going to be a fun date because I have bottles to return.”
“You couldn’t do that by yourself? I showered for you.”
“And dressed up I see.” Gesturing to my cutoffs and sneakers.
“Hey I wanted an excuse to see you, and it’s the best I could come up with.” He quickly added. Giving me that award winning smile, I instantly melted.
“Well I’m here so let’s go.” I grinned and grabbed his free hand, he smiled as the other tightly gripped the wheel.
Returning bottles was actually a lot of fun. We just talked; about college, music, food. Nothing was off limits and I was so comfortable around him it was ridiculous. After that we drove around aimlessly looking for something to do.
“Hey can we go to Depot Park?” I asked.
“Sure.”
He made a couple turns and parked. He grabbed my hand and put his arm around me As we walked through the deserted park. The air was windy but smelled fresh. The trees swaying back and forth. It’s like the universe itself was at peace. We stayed there in silence for a while. Just looking at each other and studying our faces. We sat there until I had to go home. Then we raced to the car, laughing all the way home.
When I got home, I laid on my bed just thinking about him. I struggled with wanting him all the time. I’m pretty sure he mistook my silence for indifference. It’s just I have to hold myself back because I feel too much. Too often.
Within a week of this blissfully ignorant moment, it was all gone. No more texts, or phone calls. Nothing. I replayed it over and over in my head and I just couldn’t understand how his feelings changed so fast. Unless however, they were never there to begin with. It never occurred to be that there might be someone else. Or two other people to be exact. I should’ve seen it coming. He dressed up his words with cute nicknames and sweet sayings until he got what he wanted. It was never meant to last: only fizzle and fade away. I cried so hard until my heart was physically tired. It felt like he broke me. I guess in a way he did. The trust I had instilled in him has since disintegrated. I should probably delete all our messages, but that would mean I don’t care. I wish I didn’t but I do, I really really do. We used to talk everyday all day, and now I can’t even get the words out. He looks at me with confusion when I don’t return his “Hello” in the hallway, but the confusion racing through my brain every night keeps me from uttering a word. He never meant anything he said. Not everybody is who they say they are. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they leave you. Looking down at my those same Vans I wore on our date, I can recall the degrading comments like , “Why do you wear those shoes? They’re so dirty and beat up.” Or he would say, “Mosh-pits are for guys, you participating is dangerous and just stupid.” I should’ve recognized the disapprovement and disgust in his voice. He didn’t want to accept anything I liked, everything I liked was stupid, or wrong.  I learned a lot about accepting myself- stuff I needed to figure out on my own. That first betrayal will always have a special scar on my heart. He was the hardest lesson I ever had to learn