“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned in life: it goes on”- Robert Frost. I have loved and lost, hoped and dreamed, and lost it all. Did I give up? No I did not give up; I pushed myself to the braking point. After all I have been through in life, I have learned three very important lessons: to be strong and realize that family dose not necessarily mean blood, to make the most of every moment in life, and most importantly, I had to learn to love myself for who I am.

I have a burden on my shoulders that is hard to live down, but I do it every day, not because I have to, but because I want to. My dad has been in and out of prison from the time I was three till today. He beat me at the age of three with belts, shoes, and he forced me to eat eggs of all sorts as punishment. He was in and out of prison my whole life. I remember being seven years old and having the cops break down my doors with DFS telling me that I needed placed in a safe environment. Seeing my mom go though drug court at that age scared me in to staying away from drugs or so people would think. She became an alcoholic not too long after she had me back in her custody. Then I was taken again for abuse at the age of 14.  My dad sexually abused me; he is now in prison, and will be there for 20 years. My mother and step dad physically and emotionally abused me. I was placed in the youth home on February 20, 2013 and was released to my Aunt Jennifer Rose Schwartz on the 5th of June 2014, all most a year and a half later. I had been to the point of giving up on my life. I just wanted a place in this world that made sense, a place where I could feel safe to think and open up to the world. A place where no one on this beautiful earth could hurt me and make me feel like any less of a human being. On February 20, 2013 I found my safe haven.

The first night I entered the Youth Home it reminded me of a church. White walls, the ceiling at an arch, and everyone was quiet. Someone yelled out five-second rule, all the kids took off running to their rooms. All I could do was run the same question through my head, what did I do? I sat at the long table as they did my intake. It was 9:00pm that Sunday night when I had been placed in their care. I was overwhelmed, scared, quiet, and I just wanted left alone. I got so overwhelmed that the youth home made me call the counseling center. I desperately need help dealing with my past. I could not handle the hurt and pain any more. The only glimpse of hope that kept me going was the love for my brothers, the hope they were ok. As Oscar Wilde said “Keep love in your heart, a life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.” I guess I could say my brothers were the light that kept me alive. That filled me full of hope and very little love, but enough to keep me going. When I found out that my brothers no longer wanted to see me, I felt tore down and empty. Lucky for me I had made bonds with my new family; the youth home staff members. They held me together when I was falling to pieces. They brought me hope, when all hope could have been lost. When there seemed no one who cared they were there to show me love and compassion. A staff member once told me that they were not suppose to make personal attachments to us kids but how could someone expect that. Imagine how hard it would be to love someone else's kid to spend as much if not more time with them then people do with their own kids. Then to know what kind of life they had, their troubles, and to see them want to give up on life that would be horrifying. Working for a youth home must be a hard job, so to me that is one of the most inspirational jobs that someone can have. There are other people that do the same kind of thing, and one day I would have my Aunt Jennifer to thank for the way she took care of me. These people are called foster parents. It took me a while to was understand that family is not just your biological family, sometimes humans find the love from friends and trusted adults makes more of a family. I once read a quote from someone anonymous that said “Family is not about blood, it’s about who is willing to hold your hand when you need it the most.” So my family is my beautiful aunt and my friends that stood by me in my time of need and the ones still stand with me in my life today.

I am sixteen and full of love and joy now. I enjoy every piece of light I can, from the birds chirping, to the fellowship I share with people every day. When people are living life, should they just suck up air, or make a difference in someone’s life? If they are not living every day to the fullest, then they are just taking up air. When I am not enjoying what I am doing, not making a difference, and not working hard, I feel like I am just taking up other’s precious time. When I was in the youth home, I had to find a way to cope with the pain and drama in my life. One of my coping skills is improvisation games. A few other ways of coping were talking to people I didn’t normally talk to, taking chances, and breaking cliques. I became a social butterfly, this was my daily goal. I learned every moment I waste, will be a moment that I will never get back, a memory lost. I choose to live in the moment, but I plan for my future, make goals and see where they lead my life. When I mess up I take it as a way to better myself and the path I am on. When people are young every part of their life seems to go wrong, but what if we turned those moments in to laughing and loving others with no regrets, then would we have a life with nothing but enjoyment and peace? I can honestly say I regret the opportunities that I did not take in life rather then the opportunities that I did take. Even though I may have messed up bad, I can say I took the chances in life and I learned my lessons from my mistakes.  I will never be able to change the events that have happened in my life. It has shaped me in to the person I am today, and will continue to shape me the rest of my life. I can only take each and every day a step at a time. I will never regret a moment in life, not a failed essay, not a bad relationship, not even loosing my best friend, because I still had the chance to take that the opportunity, and make it great.

When I was younger I would lie about myself so people would like me. I wanted to fit in with all the other kids in school, but that is impossible for me. I cannot fit in because I am different from everyone else. Just as they had their life experiences, I had mine. My friends have always been the “stoners” and the weird kids. I love my crazy friends, but we had no common interests. I am smart and love swimming and they don’t. I am not saying that people shouldn’t have friends different then them, I am saying that when you choose your friends choose wisely. I still have friends that are bad influences but they were there for me when I needed them. I have realized that when I found friends with common interests things in life seemed to make me happy. I could talk with people better and understand them better, because I took the time to find out who they were and I did not judge them. While finding my self I realized that people tend to act how they are expected. When I act how I am expected by others it creates a hole in my personality. I just had to take a step back to realize that sometimes people need to tell others “NO!” to find who they are. When they find who they are it creates less trouble for them selves.  When I was put in the youth home I tried to be fake for a while, I quickly learned that’s how I made matters worse for myself. I would be snotty to kids who were troublemakers or I would act better then everyone. When I did this I got in to the drama which got me in trouble. If I cannot be myself, who can I be? I love drama, music, and sports! This is who I am. I will always love that I received the chance to learn this at a young age, because I know I do not need to fake it to make it in life. If more people learned this at a young age, they would have more friends that they could trust, look up to as a role model, and see that they are a good friend. If all of the world could view the world like this where would we be?

“Someone once asked me how I hold my head so high after all I’ve been through, I said no matter what I’m a survivor not a victim.”-Patricia Buckley. This quote represents my personality well and will help me for the rest of my life. I refuse to hide who I am, because of my past and the troubles I went through. I have learned things that can save some people from killing, hurting, and even degrading them selves. If I can change even one life with my story why not give it a try. One day I will help other victims become survivors. I will help them out of their situations of abuse of every kind. I will advocate for everyone like me; I will stand for what is right and justified. I will be a teacher and a survivor, one I will make the difference in people’s lives.