Through the years, I can say that my life is blessed. This is not because I have everything I want but because I have everything I need--- my inmost needs. Since my parents raised us, six girls to be independent, we tend to take care of ourselves. My older sister and I take good care of our younger siblings--- Chay, Roym, Cle, especially Zane, the youngest.  As an Ate, I want my sisters to learn from me. I want them to be independent as Ate and I. As much as I love being an Ate, I also love taking care of other kids. But I realized, it is a paradox that I love kids but I hate being surrounded by dirty ones.

Back in 2012, my best friend had a feeding program called “Help Children Grow”. I immersed myself and help my friend feed fifteen malnourished children for a year. Well, not just feed them but to teach them how to wash their hands properly, to read and write and most importantly, to play cooperatively. Though I was enjoying every week’s session, at the back of my mind, I was not happy of what I was doing. I was ready to back out from the project until I met this boy, Rene.

Rene went closer to me as the lights of the day are starting to fade away that day. I have to feed this ragged and poor child again. As much as I wanted to tell him to stay away, I pulled him softly and gave him a cup of soup and bread. Rene is a 12-year-old boy who happens to be one of the project’s beneficiaries. He’s dark and thin like a matchstick. He was still in 4th grade in a public school that year. He was obedient, responsible, smart and cautious but I really feel nothing towards everything that happened--- sympathy, pity or sadness? None. The only question that ran through my mind was “Where are their parents?”

Then questions in my mind were overflowing but I kept silent and sat down on a pre-school chair while watching them eat the soup that I, myself cooked and prepared for them. I spent money and effort for that soup even though I was not really passionate of what I was doing. I kept telling myself that I was doing it for the sake of my best friend. As I was entertaining myself with questions, my eyes stopped at Rene’s cup and saw it still full while some were asking for more and others were already done.

I stood up and approached him. He looked at me and told me he was not hungry. But I see him so pale, he was hungry for sure. I got his cup and handed him the spoon. I assisted him in eating but he ignored. My nerves were starting to blow up and I feel like I was turning so red. I got very mad. Rene went to me with his cup still full. Other children were starting to go home already. His mouth was starting to say something but I can hear nothing but the sound of my own inner voice.

Looking so pale and tired, he calmly told me, “I’m sorry, Ate! I like your soup and I ate enough. But can I get a plastic and wrap this for my brother at home?”