The pain of loss was yet unknown to me. A close relative within my family had not died up until this moment. When my parents informed me of deaths, I believed that he/she had simply escaped on a vacation to an exotic location on the globe. Death never seemed to be considered as a permanent departure. The thought of a loved one abandoning me was unable to penetrate my juvenile brain. Awaiting the return of the ‘deceased’ began to perplex me after the death of my great-aunt. With this confusion, I was initially introduced to heartache.

The teacher firmly pressed her nails against the board as she explained the latest math lesson to the remainder of my second grade class. While I copied notes into my binder, I felt a tap on my shoulder. My best friend, Jessica, was attempting to get my attention to share a joke with me. Although I wanted to avoid getting in trouble, I turned my body around to face her. Suddenly, the sound of the marker hitting the board stopped.

“Alexandra, you need to pack up your things,” my teacher announced.

My heart dropped. I was about to be sent home for creating too much noise during class. With my head toward the floor, I ashamedly walked to the front of the classroom. My teacher swung her arms around my body and I found myself in a restricting hug. At this moment, I was incredibly confused. My mom stood directly outside the door with tears streaming down her reddened face. It was obvious that I was not in trouble.

“What’s wrong?” I whispered as I grabbed her hand.

“Do you remember Auntie Maryann?  She asked.

I nodded just as she replied, “She hurt herself very badly earlier and she couldn’t get better. God had to take her to Heaven where she could see Nonna again.”

As we walked to the car, I smiled. Auntie was so lucky for God to have taken her to visit Nonna. I began to wonder how long the visit would last, but my thoughts wandered. After school I was supposed to go to Jessica’s house along with a few other friends. Within the next few hours, my mom would surely stop mourning. This meant that meeting up with my friends later was still an option. The ride home was unusually silent. My mom did not attempt to make conversation with me. Since I missed such a large portion of class, I had no homework to complete. My mom ran to her bedroom as I jumped onto the leather couch. Television shows could not drown out the sound of crying down the hallway. Outside the door of my parents’ room was a pile of used tissues. Convinced that the crying would eventually end, I turned up the volume on the television and continued watching. 

Several hours passed before I grew restless. School was about to end and a group of my friends would soon be together without me if we did not leave the house within the next few minutes. I eventually gathered enough bravery to turn the doorknob on my parents’ door. There my mother stood with watery eyes.

I politely asked, “Do you think you could take me to Jessica’s house now? Everyone is supposed to be there right after school ends.”

Turning her head in the other direction, my grieving parent motioned me to leave the room. Anger flowed throughout my body. I stomped over to the couch once again and sat there in complete silence. My parent was punishing me for no apparent reason. Now all my friends would be able to have fun without me. Within a few minutes, the sound of a door creaking open could be heard. I refused to look my mom in the eye when she faced me.

She apologized, “I didn’t mean to be so rude just then. You just don’t understand how much pain I’m in right now.”
“She’s going to be back soon. You don't have to cry anymore,” I reassured.

“Auntie Maryann is not visiting Nonna, she will be with her forever. When one’s body can’t work properly anymore, God takes him/her to a special place in the clouds where the pain will end.”

For the first time, I felt as if I was suffocating. My cheeks grew very hot and tears fell uncontrollably down my face. I fell into my mom and  began to grieve along with her. Throughout the course of the day, I had caused my mom to become more upset. I was not there for her when she needed me most. A feeling of shame swept over my body. Just when I was about to apologize for my selfish actions, she whispered a reassuring message into my ear. I laid in my parent’s arms until the pain began to fade.

Learning the concept of loss was a traumatic experience, but a greater lesson was brought from it. Life is a precious gift and can so easily be taken for granted. Death can be so unexpected, so it is crucial to spend as much time with loved ones as possible. Although my great-aunt may not currently be in my presence, I will never forget her. The warmth of her heart will forever linger.