I sit backstage contemplating what is about to happen. There is something that is prohibiting me from going out there. It feels like a small little bully that lives in my brain, whispering to me that I’m not good enough every chance it gets. It criticizes my choices and knocks down my confidence. I can't overcome this power that is controlling me. I sit here and let it destroy me until it is finally time. I stand up, hands shaking and knees weak, and make my way over to the microphone. I just have to do it. I can't let this bully win. My insecurities are on the top of my mind when I open my mouth and start to sing.

Five days prior: I am sick to my stomach. It is the day of auditions for spring showcase. I’ve never been this nervous for an audition before. For some reason, my body is in a constant state of anxiety; the butterflies in my stomach fail to cease. “What is going on? You know your song, why are you freaking out like this? It will be okay,” my brain tells me. For once I am actually trying to be positive and make myself feel better, rather than dragging myself down. I go through the school day with this pit in my stomach, dreadfully awaiting the moment which has brought this feeling upon me in the first place. Finally, it’s 2:30 after school. My heart is racing harder than it has all day. The time has come for me to lay it all on the line and sing my song.

My thoughts run wild with the questioning tones of self doubt. “Why do you even try? You’re not going to get anything anyway. Why can’t you sing like her? Why can’t you get those notes right? You suck. You shouldn’t even bother. You’re never going to be good enough.” These thoughts flood my brain in an overwhelming downpour. Even when I do achieve something my brain tells me I don’t deserve it. Although I know that nobody gets cut from showcase, the thought of singing in front of so many people is what is killing me inside.

The audition is over and my body is still shaking from the nerves. I’m questioning everything. If I can barely even make it through the audition, how am I going to be able to do this in front of a full auditorium? This will be the first time anyone has really heard me sing, besides all the times I joke around. I try not to think about it, but the show is only 5 days away.

The days pass slowly, filling my body with fear. I am dreading this coming Friday. The more I think about it the worse I feel; I can’t stop thinking about it. The day gets closer and closer and in the blink of an eye it’s finally here: opening night.

I sit with my friends in the choir room anxiously awaiting the second act in which I will sing my first solo. I already conquered the opening dance and my duet with my friend Yeseul, in which I was shaking the whole time. I know that the solo will only be worse. It’s just me, all by myself. As the time passes my nerves spike to an all time high. Eventually, the moment arrives for me to make my debut.

I walk into the auditorium as I try to calm myself. The stage lights beaming down on me as I approach center stage. My heels tap the hollow ground below with a gentle thud. I see silhouettes conforming to the shape of the red fabric chairs that face me. The lights warm my face and I can hear the whispers of the audience start to fade. The music begins and fills the room with the song I know all too well. I can feel the blood pumping through my veins. My head is clouded with the overwhelming anxiety. I try to pretend like I am the only one in the room, but I can't help but notice the beady eyes staring up at me. Are they judging me? Do I sound bad? What are they thinking? The longer I am up there, the more I feel my body start to tremble. The music finally stops and hands come together, filling the room with applause.

I did it. The thoughts that control my every move were fading as I conquered the one thing that was overtaking my life. I really did it. I was so scared, and for what? Sure, I am definitely not the best, but I am working to get better and better every day. The boundaries I set for myself will cease to exist one day. This was only the beginning of a future full of music and overcoming my own demons. I realized that there is nobody else I can blame; I am my own worst enemy.