Failure. Success. Right. Wrong. My mind teeters back and forth between the positive and the negative thoughts. My own worst enemy is my mind. “You aren’t good enough,” my mind tells me. My job is to drown it out and prove it wrong. I find the words “I can” and “I will” to combat the things it tells me. The battle continues and I start to wonder, “will I win? Am I right, or will my brain win the ongoing battle?”

As my mind roams down the streets of failure I try to steer it away. I continue to get ready for the last day of tryouts and ignore the thoughts nagging and nipping at me like a toddler clinging to its mother. Today is the day, the day that we see who made varsity and who didn’t. “You aren’t good enough, there is no way you made it,” the voice in my mind says. I try to ignore it once again, but this time it finds its way back into my anxious mind. I get into my mom’s light blue minivan and leave to go to tryouts.

The white cement walls trap us inside the poorly lit gymnasium. The gym is silent other than the light thud of lacrosse balls hitting the walls and the floor. Everyone within its washed out walls eyes are glued on their tiny ball that blends in with the lights. Waves of concentration and focus beam off of all of the hopeful girls. The loud strong voice of my coach resonates off of the cement walls; “ Catch as many as you can and we will time you. If you drop it you have to start over.” A Mistake won’t be left unnoticed.

The room goes silent for a minute while everyone gathers their thoughts. Most are probably about the task at hand, but mine are of presumptions of failure. The soft tweet of the whistle pulls me out of my thoughts and I begin. I drop the ball and my body goes into a panic. “Oh no! Now you did it. You aren't going to make varsity now!” my mind shouts at me.

The coach yells stop and records the number and says we are going to do it one last time. This is the last thing they are observing for the night and the last chance to make a good impression. He tells everyone to get water for a minute before we do the drill again. I slide the grey facemask off my sweaty face. As I walk over to get water, my mind scolds me because of the little mistakes I made during the last drill. I run my sweaty fingers through my chestnut hair and try to stop thinking about every single mistake I have made. With a shaky breath, I put the mask back on and walk back over to the wall. The whistle blows and I start throwing the ball once again, the light thuds of the ball hitting the wall relaxing me and getting me focused. I feel good and confident My coach blows the whistle and tells us to stop. I didn’t drop the ball this time and got a decent number. Relief floods my system at the fact my number is with everyone else.

Tryouts are over and the waiting game begins. The coaches have to discuss the rosters and we will find out first thing at practice tomorrow. My mind is persuading me to believe that I don’t have a chance. In reality, I do have a chance and a pretty good one at that. Every defensive player on the team is either a junior or a senior. With that fact, they need to pull up one of the two good sophomore defensive players. With this in mind, my thoughts still wander away into the darkness of doubt.

I nervously walk into the gym and sit down in the middle with everyone else. In just a few minutes I will find out of my mind was right all along.  My coach hands me the letter and I sit there gazing at the neatly sealed envelope. Do I open it up or should I have someone else? My fingers anxiously tear through the envelope and I grab the letter. My mind tells me again to not get my hopes up before I slowly open the letter. My eyes scan over the letter quickly until I pinpoint the words I am looking for. “Congratulations welcome to the 2018 Varsity Lacrosse team”. I can’t help the smile that spreads to my face. I knew I could do it even with the deepest part of my mind told me I couldn’t.

Self-doubt is something that many people face. Dealing with it can be hard, but by keeping positive thoughts I was able to do something amazing. I accomplished a great thing in three days. I beat the voice in the back of my head and drowned out the negative thoughts holding me back. All it took was believing in myself and not getting overwhelmed.