I walk towards the building. My hands are shaking and my feet are trembling. I'm barely able to stand up from my lack of balance. I can't do this. I'm not prepared. My thoughts on everything I've been taught over the last five years building up in my head. One steps, two steps, sparring, three steps, takedowns, throws, punches, grabs, terminology, everything. My mind can't handle everything at once. Full of stress and nerves I enter the school. I bow at the door as per usual and as I look around I see the crowd of students getting themselves ready. The smell of sweat and terror overwells me. Seeing everyone so prepared and excited completely contrasts with me and I try to tune them all away. I put on my belt and I walk onto the floor to begin my stretches.

As I pull my leg up the bar to stretch I think back to why I’m here. I’m bettering myself. Only a few years ago I was a completely different little girl without any morals and an extreme lack of respect for others. I juggle the thought of how I could actually pass but my self-doubt only escalates.

After stretching I move on to practicing my forms, starting with my white and moving through each belt. I made sure to go slowly through each one and express each stance and punch. As I go to my higher ranks I start to grow even more nervous. If I mess these up they definitely won’t pass me. I do those several times. Each time I feel I’m getting worse. I decided to ask for assistance from one of the instructors, Sir Mike, who was nearby. He said he would review and watch each form and give me feedback. He looks at me after seeing my forms and says “Emily you have worked extremely hard and have given this your all for months. Just show what you already know and do your best.” I listen and just for a moment I begin to relax and gain back some lost confidence. Before we start I take a drink of water and breathe.

I hear two claps meaning it is time to start and I run to line up. We line up in lines of five like usual with the higher ranks in front and the lower in the back. I took my place in the very front spot and we get warmed up. We are wished luck and everyone goes to the back of the room, takes a seat, and we begin.

The lower belts always go first so their names are all said first. As their names are said they reply with “yes sir” and run into the line. Once all of the white belts and the two yellow belts have been lined up they start their test and the upper belts continue to sit in the back. They do their forms several times, making sure that everyone knows them and understands the stances and techniques. I watch making sure to do each form in my head. They march up and down the floor. Throwing different techniques of kicks, punches, and strikes. I watch continuing to do every single technique alongside them in my head. They are questions. “Define your form.” “What do you plan to get out of martial arts?”  They finish that portion of their test are told to take a seat. Next up is us.

Since only a few people are testing there isn’t many upper belts. So next up is the two orange belts, a green belt, and the two brown belts; me being one of them. I’m shakingly nervous but ready. My name is called and I yell “yes sir” and run into the line.

We start with our white belt form. I’m reminded of when I first came into martial arts and I walked in unknowing of the struggles I would face. Unknowing of the love and passion I would develop in this small building. I remember how nervous I was at the very beginning and the doubt I had then versed the doubt I now had. How did I get myself to do this? Loads of questions swarm my thoughts and I realize that I have to focus and that if I got over that fear before I could do it again. We finish the white belt form and moved through the belts starting with yellow up to brown. My belt. It is just me and the other brown belt up in front of everyone. We are put into ready position and told to begin. I go through every move and stance slowly and as accurately as I could. Making sure to show and portray what I have learned about this form and its techniques. We finish the forms and it was time for marching. We march up and down the floor just as the lower belts had, not thirty minutes ago, the only difference being that our terms are said in Korean not English. We finish. 

Now that half of the test was over I was feeling better. I’m almost done. We now had sparring and board breaking left. Sparring is one of my least favorite things to do. When it is our turn (the brown belts) we run to our partners to spar, bow and begin. I end up fighting a friend of mine. We are both doing great and I start to be ready to take on the other students. I fight a few other people, one on one, until it is time for two on one. For two on one, I fight an orange belt and a blue belt student who is just here to help. We all bow and they rush at me. My first instinct is to just get away. I fear that I will be trampled or hit or embarrassed in front of everyone here. So I move quickly and keep my distance, throwing kicks and punches only when I must. I kick the blue belt and he topples over. I feel terrible but I still have the orange belt on me so I keep moving. The blue belt doesn’t get up so an instructor starts to come and join our fight. I fight them both for about a minute and the blue belt starts to rejoin the fight. Now it is three on one. I’m terrified. If I wasn’t struggling before, now I would be. The instructor starts jabbing me several times and I start to panic so I just grab his leg and we roll. I get up out of the takedown and time is called. Finally. It's over. I survived.

Since I finished with sparring I am able to watch the other brown belt finish up. He starts to get in his head as I did but he falls apart. He gets hurt and when the time is called he becomes enraged. I worry for him because this isn’t the thing to do at a test. Keeping a level head is what the instructors try to take away from the students and he had just fallen part to it. I remember how a few weeks ago I was taught about the machine. The idea that we are just living inside the machine and that you have control over it and not the other way around. The machine has flaws but your mind has to be stronger than those flaws. His mind isn’t helping him at all at this moment and I worry he may not pass.

When breaking board time came I was ready. I had done all of the difficult things and all that is left is to break four boards. Easy. My mind was in control, not the machine. Before we even started breaking boards through, the brown belt who was testing with me goes in front of the class and apologized for the way he had acted. Everyone was proud that he had the respect to apologize for the time he had taken from the rest of us. The chief instructor tells him to jump in line and he follows in behind me.

We watch the white belts break their first ever boards and we continue to watch until our turns come around. Unlike the belts, before me, I have to break more than one or two boards. I have to break four. I’ve never had this many but I’m excited to take on the challenge. I’m told to break two with a front kick and the other two with a sidekick. I bow and then go for it. They all break on my first try and I am done. We finish and line up at the front of the room to bow out.

Each instructor on the panel says what they want to say to each of us. They are proud and I’m proud. I had done it. I moved a step closer to my black. Now that I’m full of confidence I’m ready to take on anything in my path. The days of conditioning and being punched are worth it and I now understand the importance of perseverance and working hard. I’m ready to have more classes where I can become worn out and stronger.

All that is left is to prepare for what's next in my journey, my black belt test.