Mexican. Spanish. I’m familiar with the first one, but distant from the second. I am Mexican. My dad’s family is from Mexico, but I don’t speak Spanish like they do. I don’t fit in like they do. I fit out.

My dad never spoke Spanish to me when I was younger. This is one of the reasons why I probably don’t speak it. I never even got a chance to pick up on it. It was English, English, and more English for me. Spanish never gave me a chance and English never let me have that chance. I’ll never be able to say that I am bilingual, which is great to be in our country. I’ll never be able to have a conversation with my great grandparents who aren’t getting any younger. In fact, in all my life, I’ve only muttered a small hola to them.that’s why in seventh grade I decided to take Spanish.

 Let me tell you about my seventh grade Spanish class. It sucked! I was terrible at it and was always constantly behind the rest of my classmates. It was bad enough I couldn’t speak Spanish in front of my family, but now I was a Hispanic girl in Spanish class with mostly white people who could speak better Spanish than me. Most of my classmates probably thought I was just shy. Well, I was, but that soon found out during speaking tests or skits that I simply just didn’t know Spanish. It was horrible being known as that girl in class. I felt even worse than before. To make matters worse, my family knew I was taking Spanish, but noticed right away that I still didn’t know it. At first they thought I just had a bad teacher, so I went to tutors and even asked them for help, but before long we all had all given up.

This resulted in me failing Spanish two in eighth grade. Now, not only could I barely speak Spanish, but I had failed it. Me! The Mexican girl! It was embarrassing. I had failed by three points. I had gone to tutoring everyday morning and afternoon to help boost my grade, but it didn’t help I guess. I’m just not cut out for Spanish.

 Thinking back to middle school Spanish classes only makes me miserable all over again. I don’t get to be smart because I know two languages. No! I struggled just to pass, while my cousins who also didn’t grow up with Spanish, flew through Spanish class and even went on to Pre AP classes on it in high school. Just great, I thought. My cousins can do it, but I’m still the little Mexican girl who can’t. I took Spanish, so I would fit in with my family, but it has only made me fit out even more. Maybe I should have tried French instead.