There are so many hurtful words out there, and some of the most hurtful are probably the ones shaming bodies and eating disorders. I’m not going to list them all, but every day I hear people shouting, teasing others and then laughing about it like it’s “no big deal”. They say stuff like, fat, anorexic, underweight, overweight, obese, eating disordered, and so many more. You may not recognize it, but when people hear this, they get an instant, complete drop of self-esteem. They become hopeless, helpless, and depressed. They may pretend that everything is OK when, in reality, it isn’t. 

Although I don’t want to divulge too much information, I’ve had one too many experiences with this. I have experienced minor anorexia, bulimia, and bulimarexia. For those who don’t know what those are, anorexia is what’s called a ‘starvation disorder’, bulimia is binge eating and purging afterwards, and bulimarexia is a combination of the two deadly disorders. I’m a normal person. I’m not any different, I’m not “sick” or “disordered” or “mentally ill”. I shouldn’t be pitied, you shouldn’t feel guilty or treat me like I’m more special than anyone else. 

Anyways, I got these disorders due to depression, anxiety, and bad eating habits. For those who may be wondering, no, you are not guaranteed an eating disorder if you have been diagnosed with depression and/or anxiety. For me, it was a choice to go in my room and forget about food. I looked in the mirror on my bedroom wall every single day. My body was distorted, my stomach was inflated, and I had a cruel voice nagging at me to starve myself, angrily assuring me to vomit up everything I ate, and influencing me to run off any calories. The mirror was taunting me, teasing me, calling me names, as if I was in a silly cartoon. But this wasn't a cartoon, this was a living nightmare. A nightmare that felt so perfect. I felt like if this mirror and this annoying, internal, uncontrollable screaming kept going, I would lose weight and I would be pretty. Most days, I wouldn’t eat breakfast or lunch, I would give away or throw away my snacks, and when I would arrive home, I could barely eat three quarters of my dinner. When I was able to eat the snacks I brought to school, I would immediately go to the restroom and make myself throw up. I lied to my mom when she asked me what was going on. I lied to her, saying that I was perfectly fine and that I ate breakfast, lunch, and all my snacks at school. Sometimes, I would tell her that I ate a big lunch at school and a lot of snacks when I got home, so that I could skip out on eating dinner. Every day, I would take in about 500 calories, which is about one-third of what I need to consume in order to function properly. The worst part is, as much as it scared me to look in the mirror and see my rib cage, a part of me would be happy. 

When my mom saw me, she took me to the doctor. The doctor asked me questions, I lied about so much and felt so guilty, every bit of myself was hurting, but the doctor wouldn’t stop asking me more, 

“How long has this been going on? Do you throw up regularly? How much do you eat every day? Do you binge eat? Do you exercise?”

Every single question asked was another lie told, it was more anxiety building up, more stress on my conscience. When the doctor measured me on the scale, it read 120.7lbs. I was still a healthy weight. I hated it. As soon as I got home, I went to the body mass index calculator, I entered my weight and height, and saw that I was “average BMI”. I kept entering different weights, 118 pounds, 116 pounds, 115 pounds, and then 113 pounds. 113 pounds was the maximum weight to be classified as “underweight”. So I made a goal, a new lifestyle, to lose 7 pounds, to be skinny and pretty, like the Barbie dolls that I played with when I was little or some kind of covergirl. 

Going back to the mirror, my weight would fluctuate, sometimes I could see my rib cage perfectly clearly, other times, I saw an expanded stomach. The mirror would always hurt me, but anorexia would always help me become more unhealthy. My friends at school would yell at me and try to force me to eat something, but I wouldn’t. I refused everything they told me to do with my weight management and eating habits. For a while I was lost. Some people were making fun of me for having “twig arms”. They were calling me anorexic, although they had no idea what was even going on. I remember one of my binge-eating cycles. It was during winter break, and my brother had gotten me two cheeseburgers and fries from McDonald’s. So I was just watching Disney+ and eating my fries, focusing on the show. Then I unwrapped the first cheeseburger, I hesitantly and shakily took the first bite, and less than two minutes later, I reached in the bag, and there was nothing. I was scared, confused, and I actually had an appetite.

 It kept getting worse, parts of my body were aching constantly. For example, my stomach was hurting, I had headaches all the time. My throat would have a gag in it from throwing up all the time, and my legs were shaking. Honestly, I felt like I would collapse, immediately fall to the floor and pass out, and I did sometimes. It's not what it sounds like. There's no life flashing before your eyes, there’s no seeing God's face. It literally feels like you have no control, your whole body starts shaking, you're aching from head to toe, and then your legs relax, you feel all the weight come off, and you fall. The world goes black, that's why they call it "blacking out". You're somewhat unconscious for a bit, like half an hour to two hours. When you wake up, you have a headache, you might be a little physically unstable, and you'll probably hurt a lot, but it'll get better throughout a somewhat short period of time.

I would like to influence you that if you think something’s going on with your friends, classmates, or anyone you know, please, ask them, try not to ask them in an offensive way, just in a welcoming, “I’m here for you if you need a helping hand” kind of way. If something is going on, keep it between you, them, and tell a trusted adult. Trust me, it'll make all the difference if an adult knows, you might even save a life. 

 I know this sounds weird, and, frankly, pretty cheesy, but it could happen to anyone. There are 200,000 cases of anorexia per year, 200,000 cases of bulimia per year, 50,000 cases of bulimarexia per year, 1.4 million cases of diabetes per year, and so many more cases of binge eating disorder per year. 5.2% of girls and about 2.0% of boys meet criteria for an eating disorder. More than 30 million people are suffering from an eating disorder in the US. Every 62 minutes, someone dies from a direct cause of an eating disorder. I always thought about that. Any hour of any day, my legs could give out, I could just fall to the floor and die.

Yes, eating disorders are mental disorders. Not mental disorders like brain tumors, depression, or anxiety. Not mental disorders that you could laugh about or notice. A mental disorder like there's actually a separate self-conscious in your brain telling you what to do with your weight, eating, and exercise habits. Having an eating disorder increases suicidal thoughts, anxiety, and depression, and so much more.

 If someone isn’t average weight, if someone isn’t as skinny as someone else, you can’t shame them. You can’t call them “fat” or “anorexic”. You need to talk to them normally, like they’re a regular person. You’ll make many more friends that way. If I had someone to talk to me normally when I was going through eating disorders, if I had some amazing, perfect friends, I would be so happy. I would've eaten. I wouldn’t have gone through what I went through. If someone doesn’t eat, though, and you’re worried, you shouldn’t yell at them to go eat something, that will make them feel confined, scared, and anxious. You should just ask them if they’re going to eat, why they aren’t eating, or offer them some food. Don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t assume the person next to you has an eating disorder just because they look underweight, overweight, or they don’t eat. Most importantly, don’t look in too many mirrors.