“They're all so pretty,” I said as I was scrolling through social media. I wanted to be as pretty as they were. They were like flowers in a field standing there so pretty. The sun shining on them with the perfect radiance to blind us from all the problems that stand with them. I felt unseen compared to them. I was only 12. Why did I think like this? 

I thought it was all a joke, mental health, eating disorders, depression. I mean I was just a little girl, right? Then the pandemic hit. I was always stuck at home sitting on my phone. I've seen them all over, everywhere they wouldn't go away. I tried to ignore it, but I wanted to be like them so bad, so I just thought as though maybe if I lightened up my intake of food, my body would be just like theirs, So I did. I wasn't eating like I should've been, I was starving myself to feel pretty, yet I still felt unseen. Sleepless nights staring at the ceiling, no energy. It was like someone sucked it all up. I couldn't stand up and not feel as though I was a feather. I was always so light. Just floating there in the air.

Every time I looked into the mirror I saw a girl who was unpleased, disgusted, and disappointed with herself, never happy with her body, and upset about it causing what I thought was a never-ending sadness. I wouldn’t eat anything unless I knew it would affect me, eventually, I just didn't eat at all.

Everyone always complimented me about my body saying “you have a very nice figure.” But I didn't believe them because I didn't look like them. Even though I was getting all these compliments, I didn't stop not eating. I started from skipping one meal a day to two, three, and then I just stopped eating full meals and ate when I felt like I needed to, I found myself feeling guilty about eating and sick when I ate but sick to my stomach when I didn't eat. Binge eating was something I did very often.

I never did get the complete help I needed but I had my one friend. . I remember she said to me, “Nora I want you to know that you are so much more than your body, you are way more than just a girl who doesn't like her body your my friend. You have me and your family for support”. I questioned if what I was doing was okay for me and my mental health and I slowly realized what I was doing wasn't just hurting me but it was hurting my friends and family. I did start going to therapy to help me get better and it helped a lot, I stopped skipping all meals and eating better, I was less tired and more energetic, and when I stood up I wouldn't get light-headed anymore.

I know I’m better and I'm happy about my body. I am still struggling with depression but not as bad, I have a healthy body and better eating habits. I'm very proud of what I have accomplished but disappointed at what I had put myself through to get here, I know how hard it is for the girls struggling like I was, I know how they feel and what they're going through I still have a ways to go with getting a better diet but I'm moving along the best I can. I'm proud of myself for that.