Ever since I was born, I fear when someone asks me what is your fear. This is a question that I struggle to answer all the time. During self-introductions, when the teachers ask me, or when I’m filling out surveys, etc. Whenever I think about this question, the only thing that comes up immediately is— death, but it is not something that anyone could avoid. So I’m usually stuck and will answer with an “I don’t know”. However, this all changed after a random day of me going on Instagram and clicking on the link from Eileen Gu’s profile page. It lead me to a New York Times article about Eileen Gu’s skiing career, the article flipped my world upside down.

Eileen Gu is a professional freestyle skier and model. Eileen stated in her article, “ I pursued a tumultuous love affair with fear.” She competed in the 2022 Beijing Olympics and won three medals, two golds and one silver for all of her three sports. I have always looked up to Eileen and I am in love with her bubbly personality. I have been following her for about two years now. I am so confident that she will win that sometimes I don’t even put on the TV. Her job as an extreme athlete is to overcome her fear of losing her head and performing three or four circles in the air.  Even though what it had inspired me could never be as extreme as Eileen’s, it made me think about my relationship with fear. Everyone has something that they are scared of, even if everyone’s fear is different, we all are creatures that get scared by different objects, events, or people. Fear could be a day-to-day object. For example, The Rock claims he is afraid of spiders. Or the fear could be a concept, such as loneliness, even though most people will rank these fears in believing some are not as scary as the other ones, it all results in a person’s heart beating very fast, along with the screaming and shaking. In other words, let’s imagine the concept of fear on a number line from one to ten. Even though spiders, to most people, are like a two to three, and death is like a nine or ten, it's all categorized as fear. After reading Eileen Gu’s article, I feel like it’s important to understand my relationship with fear. Is it a toxic one or a healthy one? Do I become better with my fear, or is fear getting hold of me?

I grew up as my primary school friends will call it a “shekong,” which means that I am the shy one that doesn’t talk to anyone. I admit, it’s true. During my primary school days, I only talked to people I already knew since kindergarten, and when anyone else was around I zipped my mouth. I remember in third grade when my Chinese teacher asked a question, I would raise my hand for one second after she called a classmate to answer. With this strategy, I wouldn’t be called on the teacher since I didn’t want to speak up. We could say that I have a fear of answering questions, which might be a two on the number line, or we could say that I have a fear of change, which for me is a seven. That's the main reason I don't speak up. I am afraid of new places and new people. I get uncomfortable when we have to change teachers and classmates every year and meet new classrooms, new students, and new teachers that I don’t know, so as a coping mechanism, I remained quiet around an unfamiliar environment.

We could say that I am in a toxic relationship with my fear since it is not helping me to become a better person and it stops me from experiencing what the world is supposed to be like. But back then, I didn’t care. I remember in fifth grade when my mom said to me, carefully, that I should talk to people more, I cried and threw a fit saying she destroyed my ego. I felt like nobody understood my point of view of not wanting to change. I thought, “Everything is perfect now, so why should I adapt to new changes?” Even though this was affecting my daily life and I knew it, I still chose to remain the same without at least trying to change. It is safe to say that I had a pessimistic mind, and always saw things from a negative point of view.

Then, the COVID-19 lockdown happened. It is safe to say that most people changed during quarantine, whether it was their thoughts, appearances or life choices, etc. but, during the COVID-19 lockdown, I changed completely, from a “shekong” to a “sheniu,” from an introvert to an extrovert, from a shy to an outgoing girl, from a short-spoken to a chatty girl, and from a pessimist to an optimist. When talking to my mom about this now, she says she also doesn’t know how it happened. For me, it’s like magic. Before COVID I didn’t talk in school; after COVID I talk too much. Sometimes, my friends will even joke with me that I got a twin, and my parents changed a kid to go to school. I remember returning to school and participating in group work and contributing to the group. Everyone was shocked, including me. Suddenly, I didn’t feel that nervous when speaking to the rest of my classmates I didn’t know before. Slowly but surely, I started to become the leader of the group projects assigned by the teacher. When my best friend saw how I’ve changed, she loved the new me but she also didn’t know what happened, and what changed me.

Nobody understood what happened, my mom, my dad, my best friend, my teacher, and not even myself. It has been that way for two years now until I saw the article from Eileen Gu. To put it simply, I changed my relationship with fear from a toxic one to a healthy one. I talked to fear about my issues and our relationship is now healthy and a beneficial one.

           When I went to middle school, I grew older, so my thoughts matured. Coincidentally, with the COVID-19 lockdown, I had more time to self-introspect and think about my identity. As I grew older, and as I began to discover my interests in different fields, I realized my passion when I grew up that is to be a sports journalist. A sports journalist can’t be a “shekong” all the time; they have to interview people they have never met before and talk to them professionally. Most importantly, sport journalists has to face changes all the time, different athelete which they needs to interview, different sports venues they have to go to, different match results that doesn’t fit their expectations, etc., and these are all part of being a sports journalist. So even though I never remember having that conversation with my brain before, one day during the lockdown, something must have clicked and I decided to open up and communicate with my fear. I began to have a more optimistic mind and wasn’t afraid of change. Now, I am willing to make new friends and talk to new people. Also, I try to see the positive side of things.

           In this recent school year, it is a requirement for our school’s freshmen to live on campus, and I got assigned to a roommate who I feel is a shadow of the me before. She is super shy and doesn’t like to talk much; however, with me being all happy and excited by her side, she is slowly becoming outgoing as well. When I was a primary school student, I never thought that I could influence other people positively and even make them have a positive relationship with their fears as well. I also made it a life goal to always be like a pistachio, also known as the “happy nut” in China, and try to do my best in spreading positivity. The world is so busy nowadays, and we all lack positivity in our lives. All of these are pleasant surprises, and I am genuinely thrilled about how my relationship with my fear came to be. This experience also made me realize how valuable it is to help someone discover their relationship with fear.

           As most motivated adolescents are, we all want to be better. This is the key. For me, this is what drives us to face our fears, we want to become a better person. Everyone has their fears, and everyone will be asked the question what is your fear? But in reality, the more important question is what is your relationship with fear, and how do you change your relationship with fear. For me, my fear is Change, and even though I have a healthy relationship with it now, a relationship with fear needs maintenance, just like a normal relationship. As for me, I will be experiencing a new change in my life soon. I will be moving to New York Long Island and transferring to a new public school. This is a huge change because I have been in my school for eight years, since I was in second grade. If it was the old me, I would be begging and crying to my parents about not switching schools and moving to a new country. Fortunately, thanks to Eileen Gu’s wise words, I perceive this as an opportunity to try out new things and meet new people.

            So, remember, fear is something that cannot be conquered or overcome; however, we do have the ability to change how we view it and our relationship with it. From knowing this, it could benefit you forever.