It almost seems as if I am just like everyone else, that when it comes to individuality, minute differences are the only thing that differentiates me from the rest of the world. The slight red tinge of my hair when the sun hits it just right, the way my eyes are never just one color, and most importantly the one person who changed my life in more ways than I could have ever imagined.  

I used to categorize time by minutes, hours, days, weeks, etc. But ever since November 17th, 2021 I have categorized time and memories by “with Drew” and “without Drew”. “Before” and “after”. It seems as if my entire life has been defined by the most important five seconds of another person’s life. Five seconds is all it takes for a life to end. Five seconds was all it took to turn my world upside down. Five seconds changed my life forever.  Sometimes, it feels as if all people can see about me are the horrible things me and my family went through. 

I think of events in my life and always pause and think whether he was here or not. Whether I had been told the worst news of my life yet, or not. Whether I was happy, or not. When I hadn’t known that something so unimaginable would happen to me.

I get my “1 year ago today” memories on snapchat and look at my face, and realize how much I didn’t know was to come. How he didn’t even know that he had such limited time left. I look at my face, I see oblivion. I look at his, I see my happiness. I see my reason for smiling and laughing harder than I ever thought I could. 

Even though seeing those memories is heartbreaking, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I will be getting memories popping up on my snapchat next year, with him gone. All of the one memories I will be receiving next year will be “without Drew”. I will see the happiness leave my eyes and my genuine smile fade. I will see me faking being okay and trying to be the support system for my family when I was completely breaking inside. Breaking so badly it felt as if someone was pulling my ribs apart in the most torturous of techniques. 

Why is it that you don’t realize what you have until it’s gone? In the back of my mind I understood what a special connection we had. I understood that what we had was something that people didn’t see very often. 

It is crazy how much something can change in just 5 seconds. My entire view on life changed, as well as something deep inside me. I am not quite sure what changed, but I can feel it. I’m not the same person as I was ten months ago and I never will be ever again.