I had a friend, once. We met on the first day of kindergarten. For five years, we were inseparable companions; for another five years, after my emigration, separation did not part us.

Two weeks ago was her fifteenth birthday. We exchanged no words.

It is no surprise what became of our friendship when we were divided by eleven thousand kilometres. Alas, it would be easy — reasonable, even — to declare that our friendship proved feeble in the trials of time and distance. But it wasn’t the billows of the Pacific Ocean alone that wore our bond thin; it wasn’t the unsynchronized hour hands of our clocks that, ultimately, snipped our bond in half, leaving my end of the attachment adrift and fluttering in a torrent of confusion. No, I know it wasn’t time and distance because days before her birthday, she had flown to the country where I now reside to commence her study abroad. Now, we are mere tens of kilometres apart. Still, we exchanged no words.

I know well that it wasn’t her, either. When we parted, had she not wept? When we were on opposite ends of the Earth, was it not her who routinely tried to video-call me in the beginning? Did she not edit my face onto the photograph with our friends, that time at the birthday party I could not attend?

And was it not I who had become enthralled with the curiosities of my new society until the novelty waned and my slumbering conscience was roused by a throbbing nostalgia? I, who kept silent after our parents’ decisive quarrel and allowed it to sever our association for good as though I didn’t know better? As though I could care less?

As though a parting without farewell was all that a lifetime of friendship had amounted to?

After so long, I cannot know how her perception of me has altered. I cannot know whether she cared to discern the full details of the incident or even dwelled momentarily to regard it with a pondering sort of indifference. If this is the end, however, I hope my name has sounded in her mind for the final time. Not because I will respond in kind, but because I wish that she would never have to glimpse the passive and contemptible figure I see in introspection.

I indulged myself in reminiscence of the past and, in my cruel negligence, pronounced a death sentence upon the future that could have sprung from the fertile foundation of this long-lasted friendship. This is my confession. It shames and agonizes me to confront this truth, knowing that my own inaction estranged one of the few persons whose place in my heart had seconded only that of my family.

It was in your company that I traversed the most radiant, untroubled epoch of my early years. I’m sorry I didn’t once reach across the yawing rift between us and attempt to pull us back together. I know I wanted to, more than anything.

14.09.2023