Last night, as I lay in the comfort of my bed, something inside of me finally shifted. It was as if a switch had finally been flipped, or maybe it was the fact that it has now been long enough for it to stop hurting when I look at all the pictures. But I realized I had truly let you go. Not in the way I used to say it to appease my friends, but in a way that felt real. For the first time since August, it no longer hurts to see you in the halls. When I look at you now, I no longer trace the memories of that night, or even the memories we once shared together. Or even feel the weight of what we once were. I had really let you go. 

I've always had this urge to help people—maybe it's just how I'm wired. Even after everything ended between us, that instinct didn't fade. I still wanted to be there for you, to offer whatever support I could. I remember hearing from one of our friends about everything that had happened to you since we last spoke. At that moment all I wanted to do was reach out—send you a message and remind you that you’ll always have someone who cares, someone who's there to listen. It took more self-control than I’d care to admit to hold back from sending that message. I knew that reaching out would only add more to your plate, and that was the last thing I ever wanted to do. And if i'm being honest, I don't think you wanted to hear from me either. 

The truth is I knew we werent meant for each other, or even to last—nothing does, after all. But the real question that still lingers in the back of my mind is why I allowed myself to fall for someone I knew would hurt me, even if it was never his intention? I’ve spent the last four months trying to answer that question, but no matter how many times I ask myself, I know I’ll never find the answer. I was chasing someone who was running from me, glancing back just often enough to make sure I was still behind. I know it was for the best—finally letting you go I mean. And I know deep down, it was what you wanted too. Still, I find it difficult to let go of things. But more than anything, I struggle with letting go of the people I once loved. Everything I ever let go of has claw marks on it. Everyone I’ve ever loved has taken a piece of me with them as they walked out the door. 

That's exactly what you did—took a piece of me with you. When I met you I thought I was ready, ready to fall in love. I wasn’t looking for much but that’s right when you happened. I am so tired of writing about you, and here I am again, doing just that. Every “On My Mind” and almost every prompt has somehow circled back to you. Every page that I wrote you were on it. 

If this was your plan all along, I wish you wouldn’t look at me like you could maybe love me again. Like the thought of children that weren’t my own—having the brown eyes of the boy I loved at 17 didn’t rip my heart out. Like I didn’t drive to your house when things were falling apart on my end. Because, honestly, when I was with you, all the chaos in my life faded, and for a moment, I knew everything would be okay, because at least I had you. I still remember spending hours running my fingers through your blonde hair while you rested your head in my lap because I thought you were the best thing that had ever been mine. I don't understand how all the moments we shared together turned into longing glances in the hallway. Was it all just a waste? No, it wasn’t. Because loving someone is never a waste. And you definitely weren’t. 

Every moment with you felt like a breath of fresh air in a world clouded with smoke. Each moment we shared was never wasted—whether it was sharing both of our first kisses together, or meeting each other's families, or even watching you talk about football with my dad. Even in the bad moments, when all we had was each other. I just enjoyed being with you, because you were my best friend and that was the worst part. When my car got hit last night, you were the first person I called, and you came right away to make sure I was okay. I don’t understand it either; but the first thing my mind went to was you.  It had been a while since we’d spoken, but in that moment, I knew you still cared enough to make sure I was okay. 

I know we’ll always care for each other, but it's best for both of us to let go.                                                                                                Letting go of what we were, and more importantly my best friend was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. But deep down, I know you deserve more than I can offer. And someday, I’ll be everything to somebody else, too. I'm terrified to fall for someone again because I know I’ll compare every person to you. Every time I look into brown eyes, see someone wearing the same glasses you did, or hear a song you used to play with me, I’ll be transported right back to you.

We were just two kids loving each other the only way we knew how. You’ll always have a place in my heart, and loving you was the experience of a lifetime. Together, we made broken glass glisten. I hope you find what you’re truly looking for, and I believe one day you will. We were meant to be, just not meant to last. But I can't let our past be the thing that keeps me from finding happiness. I know you’ll treat the next girl with the same kindness you showed me. And who knows what the future holds—maybe one day, I’ll watch it begin again.