I didn't know what love was.
Back in freshman year, I used to toss that word around like a used towel.
"I love you, Angela!"
"Hey, Paige!"
"Yeah?"
"I love you!"
"Love you too!"
And then one day, I said it again to random classmate and he didn't say it back. I said that when someone tells you that she loves you, you say it back. He said that you're not supposed to say it unless you mean it. and I thought I did mean it...so I was confused, but anyhow, I shoved it to the back of my mind.
As I grew into sophomore year, I started going out with a guy, and from there, I couldn't say "I love you" to anyone but him. It just didn't feel right. I loved him, and there was no way I could possibly *love* another classmate, or acquaintance.
For a good eight months, we had a damn good time. He and I had the exact same brainwaves and it wasn't just that we could finish each other's sentences, it was that we could finish each other's sentences without even having to say it. It was that we always knew what was going on in each other's mind without even having to ask or anything. He always put me first, always before everything else in his life. We always wrote each other letters and passed them to each other. Even when I couldn't talk to him (something I'll get back to in a second), we would always pass notes discreetly as a way of communication. "I will always love you forever" and the like floated in these letters, and I know that I loved him back. Goddamn, I knew I loved him so much.
Call me naive, but we were going to get married. When college was done, we were going to get married and have a life. Bottom line, we were going to die in each other's arms. There were even times when he mock proposed to me! I can't wish more that those times will return. Once, i had to eat this really nasty-like pastry and he was worried that I'd get sick from it. He said he wished that he could give me some apple cider to down it with. I said no need and we both laughed. The next time i saw him, he brought us sushi and apple cider and we had a really good lunch at home. I thought of him every night and I knew that he thought of me all the time, and I was happy. We were both very happy.
Throughout our relationship, there were obviously obstacles, but not between each other. These obstacles were between the world and us. Don't ask me, 'cuz I don't know why. For some reason, the entire world was against us being together. Maybe it wasn't God who planned that, cuz i know He was watching over us. He always said that God was constantly watching over us. He said that no matter how much the world was against it, some day, he'd take me under his wing and we'd fly away someplace where we could be alone and without the rest of the world to give us disapproving looks. My mom also almost kicked me out of home because she didn't want me with him anymore. That episode caused the worst argument in the house ever. Stress levels got so high and I almost moved out. It was like Armageddon. It was all so I could be with him. Of course, I stayed home and told my mom that I'd stop seeing him. My mom was content, but you and me, we both know that I didn't stop from seeing him and talking to him, but my conscience couldn't take knowing that I went behind my mom's back to see him. That's when i attempted to cut off communication with him. You and me, we both also know that that didn't work out either. But that was when we passed notes discreetly in the hallways. I also almost lost all my friends because I went out with him. I risked so much because I believed that we would always work out.
Anyways, I was always afraid that my fantasy was going to end, that reality would hit me hard when he graduated. He was a senior and the school year was ending fast. He always said that we'd be together, even in the future. He always said not to worry. He always said...
Summer of '09 approached and I didn't worry so much, because summer was just about two months long and that meant I would have some more time to spend with him before he left. When we were still at school before summer started, he began telling me about the colleges he got accepted to, and he always said how he wanted to go to Berkeley. He got accepted to so many schools: Davis, Irvine, Riverside, SCU, there must have been one or two more, but I can't remember. He was so smart. One day, we were talking online, and we checked to see if he got accepted to Berkeley. Well, not me, he checked, but I waited eagerly on my side of the internet for the news. After about three full minutes of heart wrenching anticipating, he said in caps, well actually he seemed pretty calm about it, but anyway, he told me that he made it, and I spazzed. out. I was so excited for him and so happy for him. I always knew he would do well.
Summer came, the hot heat, it was the best summer of my life. He came and visited me, no matter what happened, coming to see me was always top on his list and I felt so special, so happy that I would be able to see him practically five out of seven days of the week. We talked so much, shared so much, we did everything together. We walked around downtown, he took me to the movies, we watched TV together, we even played Othello together. Near the beginning I always beat him, but he caught on *real* quick. Then he started to beat me, but that was okay. I loved him so much that I'd let him win a million times. I loved him so much that saying "I love you" to my mom just didn't feel the same anymore. haha Funny, isn't it? Ah man, he had to leave for Europe for ten days with his orchestra, and when he came back, we exchanged letters and he bought me a keychain from Paris and $150 Swarovski necklace from Paris. I still have it.
School started and I'm a junior. Naturally, he became a freshman in college. Berkeley, here he comes, my GOD he's going to knock your socks off. Richard, my love, he's the best for anything and I loved him so much~ And he loved me back so much, too. His grammar was always a little off, but it was cute. He's always growing and learning. So back to school, he visited less and less because of his school work and midterms. One day he came to visit and we spent time with each other, only that day was different. He came to break up with me. I didn't understand why because his reason wasn't even legit. He pulled an "It's not you, it's me." So I still didn't understand...it seemed that college was changing him somehow. I cried for practically weeks on end; I was so heartbroken that I couldn't even bring myself to do anything. I didn't want to go to class, school, and I didn't feel like I had an obligation to be nice to anyone. I pretty much died on the inside. Everything beautiful in the world turned ugly. Before, when it rained, the water played at my feet and the raindrops tickled my face, but now, the water beneath me lashed at my feet and the raindrops hit my face with such ferocity...I couldn't bear my life; the internal pain was just too much.
After a while, I realized that wallowing in self pity wasn't going to help my life nor anything I did. After the denial stage I was going through, I went through all that anger and crap, and eventually I tried to go to the acceptance part, you know? It wasn't too hard, considering he blocked me on facebook and gtalk, but it was still difficult. After two months, we started talking again because he unblocked me on gtalk. Then he asked me if it was alright to come and see me again. I didn't mind, so I said that I didn't mind seeing him.
He came and visited today, and there was pretty much no change in personality from the Richard before we stopped talking. It was then that I realized...I'm still in love with Richard and I just went through the longest stage of denial ever. There wasn't much confusion about our relationship--he wanted to stay single and I'm fine with that, but he did say that he still loves me and I believe him. We talked about the past, present, and future, possibilities, but, like he said, he doesn't want a relationship because he doesn't want the things he does to hurt me. I guess I'll just love him from far away.
I ask myself, what is love?
It is sacrificing all that you have for the person who sacrifices much for you.
It is going to certain lengths to do what he needs, care for him when he just threw up in your sink, being there for him.
It is a reciprocating respect for each other that doesn't end.
It is a support because I made a mistake, a support because he made a mistake.
It is debates and agreements,
It is backing off, letting go, and giving him space when you don't want to.
It is pain and hurt.
But like I've learned and have come to understand,
Without pain, there can be no love, and without love, there can be no pain. It is like there can be no happiness without sadness and no good without bad.
Although the future is so uncertain, I guess that until I can completely forget about this love that has come into my life and given me as much as it has taken away, I will not let go of the possibility that my love for him and his love for me will come again one day and continue where it left off. I will not let go because I know that in his heart, he still loves me. I will move on as time moves on, but I will stay devoted to him until the day he tells me that he no longer loves me the same way he did before. And even then, I will always care for him. Devotion, admiration, happiness, and pain. That is what I think love is, but that's just me.