“Where’s mom and dad at?” I ask my aunt with worry in my deep blue eyes. “They should be here anytime, honey.” She replies with such sympathy in the tone of her voice. My brother and I had often gone to my cousins’ house after school. However, this time was different. My parents were hours later than usual today. Awhile later, they show up with many bothering thoughts in their head, sad and angry looks on their faces, and concern for my brother and me in their eyes. I would later find the saddening reason to why they were so late. That night would instantly become one of the worst nights of my life thus far.

I can distinctly remember that night, as though it was only hours ago. I can almost see the hurting, resentful faces of my parents and the confusion upon our little faces as our parents sat us down for a long, dreadful chat that none of us would ever forget. I had only been about 7 years old at that time, my brother being only almost 2 years older. Sitting there, nervously, with sweating palms and wandering minds, an array of ideas and thoughts filled us. The horrible news that none of us wanted to hear was just about to explode from my parent’s mouths. What was this new? The words coming out of their mouths were the terrifying words kids never want to hear. The words “mommy and daddy can’t get along and we have to go our separate ways right now”. In other words: Divorce. Upon hearing this news, I felt confused at the situation. How can any young child even begin to understand their family being torn apart? Crying so hard that I could barely speak, I asked many questions. Being so little, I just could not understand what was going on or why. My parents tried sugarcoating it by saying that were just taking a break. Days later, I heard about the actual divorce. My heart was absolutely crushed, and that week was filled with what seemed like never ending tears. I realized that was the last night my family would ever be whole again.

This divorce has been a big struggle throughout my life and still is, even to this day. A constant feeling of hurt still rushes through my mind and body. It slowly breaks me down inside to feel like I’m not a part of anything. Growing up, I sat by and watched as my parents tore each other down to the grit, throwing out colorful and hurtful words to one another, not aware that their young children were silently listening in the other room. They fought constantly, it seemed. Seeing all the fighting, resentment between the two people you look up to the most, and all the emotion is something no child should have to grow up with. So much hurt, wondeirng, resentment, and other bothering emotions fill my head daily.
I think to myself, “if only I could have my family again” almost everyday. Long happy, family vacations will never be had again. Such as going to our lake cabin in Canada. We would often do things happy families would do such as sit around, talking, and laughing, playing cards or just enjoying each others company as we sat around the cabin, just joking around. All the happy time and laughter will never be had again.

Never again will I feel like a part of a while. Going back and forth in between parents, I almost feel as though I have no true home. I may have been living in a house, but without all my family there, it would never feel as a home would. There is a big difference between a house and home. A house is just a house while a home is a nice, comforting, warm, accepting place where you feel safe and wanted. A home is a place to call your own. Sometimes I even just feel like a toy that my parents share responsiblities with, being passed around from one to the other, rather than a human being. The slight feeling of emptiness will forever be apart of me; part of my identity will be missing. Unless you’ve gone through this situation, you just can’t imagine how it really feels.

Years later, the pain has slowly repressed a bit. As I slowly regain my true happiness, I find it easier to deal with the situation that was unwillingly thrown at me. I now live with my dad, my mom being right across the street. Now, this is the place I call “home”. With not all my family being there, I don’t think it will ever be a true home for me. The situation is still hard to deal with, but a stable living situation makes it somewhat better. Many unwanted, negative feeling will never fully leave my heart, soul, and body. Divorce is a life no child wants to be forced to live. Many children are though, which is very unfortunate. Not fair, but I guess that’s life.