I did it. I can't say that I'm very proud of it. Great. What is my mom going to say? This is bad; way bad. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. What have I become? What will become of me? Everyday after it happened, I just lay in bed and closed my eyes, hoping that when I opened them, it would all be a dream. It's not a dream ... it's not a dream. I would cry and say to myself, “It's not real; I'm just imagining things.” They said it would be worth it. They said it would make me cool and make me feel like I'm a “somebody,” I guess. They didn't say it would feel like ... this.

Can you tell what happened? It's probably exactly what your thinking. Who knew that such a simple thing could leave someone in so much pain? I definitely didn't see it coming. It was like an avalanche of emotions, a typhoon of regrets, a tornado of pain; all coming down on me at once. When it first happened, I couldn't figure out why I would have done it in the first place.


Just three little letters; letters that we don't even take a second glance at: S-E-X. We used to giggle about it when we were kids, but now we're adults. It is so easy to just do it. The world makes it easy. But the world also makes it hard not to. These days, it's the “norm” to have sex before you're married. It's acceptable to throw away your virginity at the first attractive person to come into contact with you. We tell ourselves that because society accepts it, nothing's wrong. We try to justify our actions by convincing ourselves that because the world does it, we can too. And if we don't try to defend our doings, we'll spend our whole lives hating ourselves. Right? Sex before marriage has become normalized in our culture. In fact, believing the opposite could give those a free ticket to ridicule and dissension for the rest of their lives. The pressures from society has corrupted our views of sex, and made us believe that waiting for intimacy is a thing of the past. The “old fashioned” mentality has become obsolete, even taboo. Those that believe that a couple should wait until marriage to engage in intercourse are frequently scolded and mocked, causing them to turn away from their own morals and join the cult of premarital sex.

The world is not the only lurking force in the causes of having sex. A major contributor is the one within ourselves. Our desire for physical contact and our craving for physical intimacy blinds us in seeking a partner. They say that all it takes is one touch. It doesn't have to be anything major; a hug, maybe. It could start with holding hands or an arm around the shoulder. But then what? A quick peck? Alright, that's acceptable. Then what would it be? How far is too far? Before I even had time to answer, it was already too late. It was already done.

Now everyday, the pain of guilt overcomes me. The agonizing discomfort of wondering what could be strangles my thoughts. What if I caught something? If I did, it's all over. It will never go away. Everyday I will have to live with this curse, this disease. How is that worth it? How is that fair to my future spouse? It's not. If everyone ceased in his or her evil ways, there would be no sexually transmitted diseases. STD's would be in crazy fiction novels, not in the real world.

Sex is an intense emotional experience; one that has effects on us that we could not begin to comprehend. Engaging in premarital sex causes many to have feelings of resentment, guilt, anger, embarrassment, lack of respect, and so on. I went into sex believing that it was my right as a human being to be pleasured, to have recreation. I told myself that love is sex and sex is love. Leaving, however, was quite different. An enormous burden was placed on my shoulders, one of guilt and resentment. I can't do anything without remembering my mistake. Not a single ounce of self-confidence is left in me, it was all wiped away. A giant cloud of depression hovers over me, reminding me, yet again, of that day.

I can't say that I'm proud. I can't say that I am glad I did it. It's eating at me. I'll just close my eyes, and hope to wake up from this nightmare.