If I scream, would it show? Would anyone notice, or would I be left behind? Death comes after life, as life leads to death, so is it okay to feel so…numb? Or should I scream? Everyone else is crying and my cousin says I’m the only one not to do so. I’ve also noticed; how could I not? I’m weird: I should cry or have an emotional breakdown or feel something, but instead, I’m numb. It was supposed to be about her, but I stood to the side with my friends, not knowing what to say when they said, “You look like her,” or “I’m sorry,” or one of the millions of other choice popular sayings. I wanted to talk about her, or just about anything, but everyone only said “I’m sorry,” and left the conversation, tense. My friends didn’t know her all too well either, but at least we could talk and hide away from the unoriginal and bland feelings. Honestly, the most original saying I heard was mainly the particular situation in which her ex said, “You look like her,” and how he was her old boyfriend nearly in the same sentence. It was quite unnerving if you ask me to tell the truth.

They have been trying to get me to talk to psycho-analyzers since before it happened, but I never really was all too fond of those people. They’ll forever be psycho-analyzers to me because, truthfully, for the love of all things good I cannot ever remember the difference between psychiatrists and psychologists even with my aunt being one. I just don’t like people sticking themselves into my life, trying to understand me, when they can’t, and taking my brain apart piece by piece. I went to a group counseling session recently; at least in a group I can react with others and not be forced into speaking if I do not want to, but even so it takes much longer than any other sessions I’ve been to. Homework and lack of sleep don’t really mix well with long sessions which I don’t even see the point of or want to go to.

At least Christmas is coming soon; everyone already has their music on and some people are putting up decorations. I love Christmas even if it means sharing my birthday with one of the family parties. I can’t set up a party which friends can go to without doubt, due to Christmas being oh so very close to my birthday and New Year’s Eve the next week, but who cares since it’s such a happy and jolly season. She loved it too; used to hate listening to Christmas music any time except near Christmas (unlike my dad and I), but loved the season none-the-less. I wonder if people are going to try to give me presents as a mix of Christmas and birthday in one this year. She used to be adamant that they should be separate presents. I wonder if they’ll even notice if I slip away during the party again. She was always the one to come and get me.

No matter where she is (though it is probably heaven with my young cousin who died early, my uncle, my grandmother, and our first pet who thought he was a cat or a human instead of a dog), I will never forget her. Mia madre, meine Mutter, ma mither, mo mháthair, my mother.