Sunday, February 07, 2010 about 4:30 AM

"Okay, I think she's been sleeping long enough," Autumn says. "Do you still wanna go to Cory's?"

I roll over, barely awake, and mumble, "Do you?"

"I don't care, we can go back to sleep if you want. I am kind of tired."

"Yeah, me too. Let’s just go to bed." We walk upstairs to her room to go back to sleep, and the walk wakes me up a little. "How tired are you,” I ask. “I mean, we’d only be up a couple more hours…”

She tosses me her phone. "Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing. Text them and tell ‘em we’re on our way.”

I text it out while she turns on her fan and radio so her mom won’t wake-up to us leaving.

"Ready," she asks me.

"Yup, let's get outta here."

We tiptoe down the stairs, avoiding the creaky parts of the steps. We open the front door just enough to slip out so it won't squeak. Adrenaline pumps through my veins at the thought of sneaking out.

We go out to the sidewalk and she looks at me. "Cory said to go through the garage this time.” I give her the thumbs up sign. “They saw the cops earlier. Are you ready to run from the light?"

"I suppose,” I groan.

We walk to the end of the sidewalk where the street lamp is and break into a sprint until the light ends a few yards from Cory's house. I stop next to Autumn and we catch our breaths before walking the rest of the way to Cory's.

"Hey guys," Cory says in a hushed tone as he slips out the door we just came in.

Autumn and I say hi to Matt who's watching a movie on his bed; he doesn't participate in the drinking.

Autumn sits next to Rj on the couch and I sit next to her. We all talk quietly so we don't wake-up Cory's mom.

Cory returns with two cups, a bottle of Five O'clock Vodka, and a shot glass. He hands a cup to me and gives Autumn the rest. He walks over to the other side of the room and grabs a two liter half full of Pepsi and a bottle with the left over vodka from the previous night. He sets it on the floor by our feet and sits on the couch next to me.

"Where's that other girl," Cory asks.

"Polly had to go home," Autumn replies as she fills her cup with 2/3 Pepsi and 1/3 vodka. I pass her my cup and she fills it the same.

"Shots after this cup," she asks me.

"Sounds good."

We start drinking and Cory and Rj drink whatever they had started drinking before we got here; I think it's Sparks. I feel the alcohol warm my veins as I take my first drink. I love this feeling.

Cory starts playing zombie video games and we get into a discussion of zombies invading the Earth someday. Autumn starts complaining that I'm taking too long to drink my cup full. I've only taken a few drinks and she's already halfway done.

Cory asks her if she wants to play because he's sick of the game and she takes the controller. I chug the rest of my drink to stop her complaining.

"Autumn come on, let's do shots," I whine after she’s played for awhile. Shots are my favorite way to drink.

"Hold on. I just wanna play for a little bit longer, and I still got some of my drink left."

I sigh and pour myself another drink. I have almost half of it gone by the time she decides she's done with the game.

She puts the controller down and gulps down the rest of her drink.

"Shots now," I ask eagerly as the adrenaline begins to pump through me again.

"Yeah, you wanna go first?"

"Nah, you can."

The shot glass Cory has is really neat. It has a piece of plastic down the middle so you can pour two different drinks in it. Autumn fills it with half Pepsi half vodka and downs it.

"My turn! Make me one," I tell her as excitement runs through me at the thought of doing a shot.

She fills it and I down it as well, handing it back to her afterwards.

"Let's do another one," I say.

We do a second shot, a third, and a fourth. I start to get dizzy and lean on Cory.

"Hunter, it's your turn," Autumn says.

"'Kay," I mumble and sit up. I look at the shot glass, the plastic piece has to be vertical when you drink it or you'll spill it on your face. My vision is slightly blurred, I can't really tell if it's going the right way.

"Is it going the right way," I ask Cory, indicating the shot glass.

"Yeah," he says with a hint of laughter in his voice.

I down it, and then gulp down the remainder of the drink in my cup.

Autumn gets up and walks over to Matt to talk to him.

"You need to drink," I tell Cory. I can feel my body swaying slightly.

"I am drinking."

"Not enough. Drink."

He takes a big gulp of his drink and I smile, satisfied that he listened to my demand.

He leans back on the couch and I lean against him.

"This isn't comfy," I tell him. I move his arm so it's around me, put my feet up on the couch, and lay my head in his lap.

"Better," he asks.

"Yup," I say, turning so I can smile up at him.



Sunday, February 07, 2010 about 11:00 AM

"Doctors, and teachers, and parents, and nurses, and cops, and all those kinds of people, they all lie," I tell the nurse. "You people always say, 'Oh, you can tell me, I won't get anyone in trouble.' But, it's all lies! People always end up getting in trouble."

"Alright, fine. Just rest," the nurse says annoyance ringing in her voice.

I stare at her as she replaces my old IV bag with a new one, and continue to watch her until she leaves the room.

I look over at my mom. The look on my mom’s face is one of pure disappointment. My heart sinks when I see this, I hate hurting her.

"Who are you texting," I ask her.

"Alison, she's really worried about you. I told her what happened and she's really scared."

When she talks to me it sounds as if she’s telling a stranger directions; like she's so disappointed she's pretending I'm not her daughter. Tears begin to overflow my eyes. I feel like I ruined everything. My mom is shooting looks of disappointment at me and I’m freaking out my best friend. I don’t think this one’s fixable. What am I going to do?

"Tell her I said I'm sorry."

Not that sorry even begins to cut it.

"Okay."

"When do I get to leave?"

"Not for awhile. They have to wait for you to sober up so you can consent to everything."

I groan. This is going to take forever.

"Your dad should be here soon."

My insides cringe at the thought of my father coming here. This is going to be a living hell.

"You told dad to come here!"

"Yes, he's worried about you."


More like he’s worried about his baseball coaching job being in jeopardy.

A different nurse walks in.

"How are you feeling," she asks.

"I'm fine.

Until my dad gets here, then I’m going to be dead.

"Hangover kicking in yet?"

"Nope, you have to be sober to have a hangover."

"Ah, this is true."

"I'm real sorry I'm wasting your time with this. Drinking's stupid. I'm never doing it again."

"Yeah, well I'm just glad you're okay. You're lucky to be alive with as much as you drank."

A terrified feeling hits me and I sort of just stare at the nurse in shock.


"Really?"

How can this be happening to me?

"Yup."

I stare up at the ceiling. What did I do? The nurse goes to leave, and then turns back around. Her eyes are filled with hope.

"Can you tell me who you were with?"

I want to tell them, but I feel like I need to protect Cory so I lie.

"I don't remember."

Cory. I was with Cory. Cory!

"Can you tell me anything?"

"I don't really remember anything."

"Okay," she says and leaves the room.

"You can stop lying to the nurses, you already told the cop you were at Cory's."

Damn it! I glare at her.

My dad walks in. Here it comes. He glares at me, and then sits down next to my mom.

I start telling them how much I hate them and wish they would leave. After a while of listening to me point out every horrible thing about them they leave. I turn on my side and close my eyes to try and fall asleep.

A sort of flashback hits me. There's no visual, just feeling and voices.

An immense feeling of hurt hits me, it feels almost as if it’s so much the hurt is suffocating me.

I fall asleep with tears streaming down my cheeks thinking: I had sex with Cory.

My parents come back and the sound wakes me up. I'm not sure if my bit of memory was just a dream or not. I really hope it was a dream, but I’m almost positive it’s reality.

I look at my parents and begin to ramble again. In my drunken rambling I let it slip that I may possibly not be a virgin anymore, and instantly regret it.

"You told the cop you had had sexual activity," my mom tells me.

Her voice is cold and drenched in disappointment. It feels like someone dropped a pile of weights on my chest.

Crap, I'm going to get Cory in trouble! A horrible feeling hits me in the pit of my stomach.

I look at my dad. His facial expression is one of pure rage. I start rambling about how I hate him, and he starts yelling at me telling me how horrible I am and how I want my life to suck. I can’t believe he’s doing this right now.

"No one wants their life to suck. It's not my fault I have an alcoholic asshole for a father. Just get the f*** away from me."

My dad storms out of the room and my mom follows. With their departure comes a feeling of relief, and I fall back asleep.

I wake back up when they return. I glare at them and they glare back. My head is killing me. I try to remember what all happened, but I can't. A horrible feeling hits me as I begin to realize I could have done anything. I don't feel so good. I push the nurse button.

A nurse pops her head in. "Do you need something," she asks me.

"Yeah, something to throw-up in."

She hands me a small bucket and leaves. A few minutes later I throw-up. My dad empties the bucket in the sink.

We sit in angry silence for awhile and then a nurse comes in and asks them to leave.

"How do you feel?"

Like I just ruined my entire existence.

"I have a hangover from Hell."

"Well, you were really drunk."

I nod and my head throbs from the movement.

"I have a few personal questions for you, then the SANE nurse is going to come get you. Okay?"

What the hell is a SANE nurse?

"Sounds dandy."

"Before last night, were you a virgin?"

A feeling of anxiety hits me when I realize she wasn’t kidding when she said “personal”.
"Yes."

"Do you know if you had sex?"

"Not sure."

“If you did have sex do you think it was consensual?”

“If I did have sex I’m absolutely positive it was consensual.”

“Well, if you don’t remember how do you know?”

Imply that it was rape one more time lady...

“I just do.”

"Okay. Do you know if you had oral sex?"

A fearful feeling washes through me again as I think of this possibility.

"I hadn't even thought of that one. I'm not sure."

Tears begin to fill my eyes again. I wish I could remember.

"Can I swab your throat just incase you did? There might be some DNA."

"Go for it."

She swabs my throat, tells me about the SANE (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner) nurse, and leaves.

The SANE nurse comes and takes me to a new ward where she asks me questions and does some examining and more swabbing. I tell her everything, including being pretty sure I had sex with Cory. She questions whether or not it was 100% consensual and a feeling of anger mixed with defensiveness consumes me. I tell her I’m positive it was consensual and argue with her until she stops questioning it.

When we’re done talking the real horror of what I did hits me and it takes everything in me not to breakdown right then and there. My head swims with horrible thoughts as pain and fear hit me hard and the feeling of weights being on my chest returns.

Monday, February 08, 2010 about 2:30 PM

We get to Cory's house and he's outside working on a car. I get a feeling of anxiety in the pit of my stomach when I see him. I go up to the door, avoiding looking at him. I knock and his mom answers the door. I apologize for everything and her, my mom, and I sit on the couch. She asks me if I want her to go get Cory. I tell her no as a pang of hurt hits me. I barely even know the kid and I'm pretty sure I gave him my virginity. It would be way to embarrassing and awkward to face him right now, especially with his mom and my mom in the same room.

His mom tells us everything he told her: I didn't want to leave with Autumn, Cory said I could stay, we did have sex (and used a condom), I decided I wanted to go to Alison's, he tried to get me to stay, I refused, he went with me on my attempt to get to Alison's, I made him go back home after a little while, and that's when someone found me and called 911.

School is going to suck tomorrow. It's definitely going to be the worst 16th birthday ever, I think. I stare out the window on the ride home trying to hold back the millions of feelings that are trying to burst out of me as my mom rambles on about everything Cory’s mom just told us.