as a young child, i never knew i had a mental disability.when i was a preteen, i was bullied. to get away from being kicked or made fun of, i would cut my wrists, or make suicidal statements so that i could go to a psychotic mental hospital. by the time i got into the program my self esteem was very low, and i had been into in-patient at least 6 or 7 times. from there, i went to highschool, where i had no friends, and most of my class hated me. i still had low self esteem, and i started scratching my arms to see blood and feel pain that was not caused by emotions. a year later, i made friends, and started falling in love with my therapist because i felt happy and cared for when she was there. she gave me to another therapist, and i was very hurt. i went to other people with mental illness for comfort. my friends there were very supportive, and made me feel wanted and needed. for the first time in my life i was happy. six moths later, i was discharged. i cut myself with tile to show them i was not ready, and they still let me leave. i was back in six months later. before that, i went to hope youth ranch. they were really nice, and tried really hard to help me. still, somthing was missing. so i got hospitalized again.this time, i was closer to one of the techs.I loved her. she acted like a mother and a friend. she comforted me. there were a few techs that did this with me at this hospital. eight months later, i was sent to the ranch. i didn't feel loved here. i felt like a number. i felt worthless. i had to get out. each time i got bakeracted from there, they punished me by making me sit in a chair for 8 hours a day. before the last bakeract, i was allowed to talk to my parents, i cried and told them i was losing my mind. at the hospital, i lost my mind and just started scraming and throwing things. then, they put me in an isolated, glass room on my matress and just tld me to sit on my bed all day. the next day, as i was crying and rocking back and forth singing what my meds used to be before the doctor at lifestream changed them, they handed me some kind of punishment fourm. im pretty sure i ripped it up. my grandparents came to get me the next day. pretty soon, it hit me: i turned 18. my care network was taken from me, and i was placed with someone who seemed like she just wanted to see how much emotional damage she could cause as my case manager. i'm 19 now, and the hospital was shut down, so now when i get bakeracted, i go to a different hospital. now, it's like, now that they're threatening to sent me to the state hospital, i wouldn't tell anyone, even if i do feel suicidal. i mean, i feel like cutting everyday, but i make sure to hold back. i have dreams and desires, but i still feel kinda worthless. i tried to call the person who helped me in spring brook, but it wasn't going through. i just got done crying, and taking a shower to cope with my feelings. i don't even know why i felt upset for that few minutes. my mind is just like a whirl wind.