Fishing in a pond of your own mistakes pulling out the regrets of your life one by one. You can’t seem to get off
the boat, no matter how hard you try. Can you free yourself from the darkness
that covers your face? Darkness use to seep into my head, quickly turning me on the
wrong street. On this street I stood alone. Gray clouds quickly filled the
lifeless sky. Everyday wouldd pause for a moment, take a deep breath and keep
pushing through. Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to.
The smell of rain crept through my nose, reminding me of
crystal clear water, palm trees and snow cones with my family. Not my new
family that came upon me, but my old one. The thought of paradise quickly left my
mind, body and soul. It was almost as if I were believing my own lies. I began to feel drops of rain on my dry pale skin. As I stood alone
waiting for somebody to notice me or maybe glance out their window, nobody
did. A street
filled with such loneliness.. I have been walking it for years, but I could never seem to
reach the end. Wearing nothing but my red tank top and my ripped, muddy blue
jeans, I set off to find shelter or a slight bit of comfort. I was never raised
to run away from my problems, but wouldkd swallow my pride and run rather then sit
and let anger slowly eat me from the inside out. My shelter came fast, but I couldn't stay for long.
As I laid my head down on the cold, harsh concrete, a chill came to my spine.
The kind of chill that makes the hair on your neck rise and your skin turn to rough, hard bumps. Every now and then, I can’t help to wonder if it was life kicking me in the ass.
Maybe it was the tears that never stopped, like a ghost that lingers around looking
for acknowledgment and love. The bitter, salty taste of my own regrets and
broken promises always found a way to escape from my eyes. When the rain had come
to a hush tone, I set off again. Only this time I had left things behind. Besides
the shelter that helped me through the stormy day, I had also left my past. I moved
on, and I grew from the experience. My name is Josh. Day by day wouldd run out
of things to live for. My excuses were no longer within me. For a total of fourteen years I have been breathing, I have been a part of this planet. When my days would
feel like years, my heart would become dark like the night sky and hard like the steel men use to create a single bullet. Sometimes if you took the time and listened well enough, you would here it cry out to you like a new born baby
taking its first breath. They say the eyes are the windows to a person’s soul.
But looking into mine was like looking through a telescope in search for movement in space. Once in a great while, you might catch a glimpse of something to remember. Though I did not enjoy parts of my life, I do not
regret it anymore because it made me who I am today. With the
thoughts that went through my head after the experience of molestation, living with a drug addict, and never meeting the people who gave me life, I still find light in my day. It is stormy in my life
and it has been for a great deal of time, but that time will run out. Your time
will run out. A wise man once told me, “Take this ball and throw it as high as
you can. Shoot for the stars. Every object that goes up will come back down. So
catch it when it does and take advantage of the moment. Once in a great while
it might slip from your palm and knock you down. When this happens, pick it
back up and aim for your goal again. Just play the game of life. Don’t let it
play you” The wise, young man who told me this was my conscience, he used to drive me insane. My heart
still pumps, I am still here. I know right from wrong. Indeed knowing what to
do and actually doing it is a whole different story, but have faith in
yourself. I know behind the dark clouds in your days, someone is always
watching out for you. As you grow up, the person you once were gets left
behind. Not to far that you won’t remember him, but far enough to where you can
no longer feel the hands of that child. You can sense him, you can hear him in
your head, telling you the right thing to do. Although you hear him in
your head, he lives in your heart. Your head is just his shelter, it’s where it
all begins. Every breath you take along with every step you make leads you to a new door. Will you open it?