"I'm tired of this. I can't take it anymore. I am a part of the reason she broke up with him in the first place; I'm already involved. I talked to her about it, though...she knows I'm sorry, but nothing will be the same between us ever again, and I regret that. They loved each other! And what I did - what I didn't do - it ruined their relationship! She's hurt; I can see it in her eyes, I can hear it in her tone, I can feel it in her presence. Somehow, I don't know if he still loves her. But him...no. I don't know if he still loves her, but, nevertheless, someone new has entered his world, and it's not me. No, of course not. I'm just a girl to him, just a friend, nothing more; I never have been, never will be. But this newcomer is instead one of my friends. She is oblivious to what he feels for her, she can't see five feet in front of her own brown eyes if she can't see what he thinks of her! And if she likes him back...that'll be the end of me. I've watched one relationship-gone-wrong (twice) and I almost wanted to jump in front of them and yell, "STOP! Remember, you love each other!" But it's too late now. I can't change the past, so there's no point trying. But if I watch one of my closest friends fall in love with the boy I'm in love with, I'll grow crazier and crazier, day by day, night by night. And in the end, I'll be insane.
Purely insane."
I wrote that on a piece of notebook paper during Literacy class on October 29, 2012. I should've been paying attention, like the good girl I had been assumed to be. I hadn't intended for anyone to read it but me, but in case I accidentally dropped it or left it somewhere, I didn't include any names, not even my own, anywhere on that one sheet of college-ruled notebook paper. I just wrote that brief outline of my story, and then scribbled the date at the top.
That same day, four-something hours later, I wrote another note to myself.
"How long do they think I can do this? I haven't yet shed a tear for this whole situation, but that might soon change. I'm a strong girl; I fake it every day. No one in their right mind should have to pretend like I do. Day by day, night by night, I pretend. And the new girl...oh, her! She's so...everything! But what does she have that I don't? We both have curly brown hair and brown eyes. But besides that fact...we are nothing alike. She is one of my best friends, and I love her so, so much! But that's it, that right there; I love her, and he's not allowed to! He loved another girl, a pretty, musical, athletic blonde, and he's loved many before her. But out of all the fish in the sea, does my best friend really have to be his Nemo? The thing is...she knows I love him...so does he."
Again, I hadn't intended for anyone for me to read the notes.
But I was tired of pretending! He loved girl after girl after girl, treating them special for a point in time, then after that treating them like trash, showing no respect. But I still love him. He makes me feel so special, and it's all just a trick, a game of his. But I fell for the trick, his carefully played magician trick.
And who was he to blame? He had shown the trick to plenty before me, and they had fallen, too, but they had all managed to get back up. Yet, I sit here, day by day, night by night, remembering how I was the only one that stumbled to the ground and lie motionless.