I have hated you so many times I’ve lost count. I have screamed and cried at the sight of your face, and I have smiled and ran towards you simply because you’re there. Time has come and gone and I have not seen you in weeks, and yet I did not hate you or love you any less.
This anger I’ve carried inside of me for the longest time has been pressing down on me. It has made me cry countless times; so many in fact, that I cry even as I write this. My heart has been broken and mended because of you with a strength unheard of, simply because I love you so much. I’ve truly hated you, I can admit to that; in fact, I have hated you with such power that the anger brewing inside of me wanes just because so much hate inside of me is impossible. Impossible because I love you so damn much.
Why do we love so much the ones who have hurt us the most? We forgive and forgive, forget and forget. For what?
I know for what, and just today I was reminded. It’s because of those priceless moments when the person you admire the most tells you that you’re their life, and that you are the most important thing to them. It’s because of that moment when they acknowledge you with the most loving look in their eyes, that you realize that every single blow and break has been worth it.
So it is today that I realize I can let go of my hate for you. I can let go of all those horrible feelings, because I finally told you that I’ve hated you countless times. I don’t know if you wanted to hear it, but brutal honesty is what I needed. This way, I have no regrets concerning you. You needed to know how much you’ve hurt me, but also, how much you mean to me.
Today I let go of all these pent up feelings inside. The intense desperation I’ve carried with me because I need you and want you to accept me, love me, and recognize me. Today, for some unknown reason, was the first day that I realized just how much I meant to you. How much I mean to you. You’ve told me countless times over the years just how much you love me, just how happy I make you… But today you told me how much I mean to you.
You’ve made me so happy, so free, so unburdened. I think, that this is the first time I cry without the burden of my neediness on my shoulders. Tonight I’ll sleep soundly, because I know that I matter, because I know that I am someone you need, because I know that someone in the world thinks I’m irreplaceable.
Today, I can finally say I’m at peace.
I don’t hate you anymore.
Thank you for freeing me.
I love you.